My H and I just got back from a weekend at his parents' house. Very interesting. I've always known that H's unhealthy behavior seemed like it could be traced back to his dad, but oh my goodness. I don't think I appreciated how bad my father-in-law is until this weekend. His "nickname" for his 14-year-old daughter is "bitch baby." He told her to get off her fat, lazy ass and open the door. He instructed her to hang up on her mother when they were on the phone together. Just unbelievable stuff. At dinner, he was appalled that his wife had told the daughter that she couldn't have a mini fridge in her bedroom, so he told her -- in front of the mom -- that he'd get one for her. He pretends he's kidding, but all of this, of course, has translated into a not-so-great relationship with his wife, my H's stepmom. FIL slept on the couch when we were there. And his daughter naturally treats him with no respect. He flicks her off; she flicks him off. He calls her "bitch," she calls him "loser." Very healthy family dynamics.
H *says* it was an eye-opening visit. He has his therapy appointment this week, so I'm trying to wait things out and see what happens. I told him that his parents illustrate exactly why I can't go forward with him unless this stuff changes now. I will not end up like them when I'm 50. I'm not happy with how things are now, and if he doesn't get help and really work to change, there's a 99.9% chance things will get even worse. I can't risk that kind of future, I told him.
I see him trying now. I don't buy that it'll be long-term, but I see that he's genuinely trying to rethink how he approaches me. Trouble is, I'm sure he's doing that because he doesn't want to tick me off, not because he truly believes that's the way I deserve to be treated. So, again, the guard's staying up.
A
The other option he sometimes chooses is rebelion by walking around the house singing very loudly (can't carry a tune in a bucket) "this world is not my home, I'm only passing through" or he'll sing "Amazing Grace" the line about the 'retch' over and over to drown her out. I don't know if he's just used to her attitude and it doesn't affect him or if he just doesn't let it show. I've been watching this for years and she always made us all believe it was his fault when she nagged and nagged at him. NOT!
I've been embarassed for both of them with some of the things she says about him and to him in public. It does come down to a lack of respect for him as a person and the need to control him to be what she needs him to be, good or bad, as opposed to encourage him to be the best 'him' he can be. Why does she do this? I think it has everything to do with her being abused by her father and sexually abused by an Uncle, as a young girl. She's even admitted that that has affected her ability to be emotionally and physically intimate with my father. (yea, TMI, at the time but, I've always been the 'ear' in my family) She says she's too old for counseling and admits that she really doesn't want to change anyway, she does what works for her. They've been married for 48 years and dated for 6 before that. He loves her deeply and she loves him as best she can at the shallow level on which she is capable. I love them both but, I can only handle a day or two before I feel the uncontrollable urge to step in and say something in my Dad's defence, which always makes things worse.
My sister has the exact same relationship with her husband. Learned from Mom's example. Poor BIL, he's like my Dad only more complacent. She once 'grounded him'! It's true. He ran into me and stbx while running errands on a Saturday afternoon. We all stopped for a beer, 45 mins max but, I guess he didn't tell her about it. A couple weeks later I mentioned it to my Mom who told my sis and bam, Larry was grounded! Me and stbx were blacklisted as bad influences, too.
Stbx used to call me by my mother's first name if I ever stood up for myself against him. Even he saw the power imbalance, though I did not back then, I just didn't like being called a nag for mentioning some inappropriate behaviour once.
I do hope your H sees his father's actions as wrong but, I'm also glad you are not letting your guard down. There have been many posts on this board telling of abusers who find abusive behaviour in others intolerable. I recall one abusive dad who could not stand his daughter's bf and described exactly what behaviour it was he did not condone and counseled his daughter to dump the guy because no one should be treated like that. Everything he described was exactly how he treated his wife! They always have the excuse and it's never them.
Keep looking up^, Susan.