Am I letting him do it?
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Am I letting him do it?
| Fri, 11-19-2004 - 7:00am |
Well, its been another long night for me and I thought maybe I could get some unbiased advice from the people here. I don't know how I got into the mess I'm in and I have no idea how to get out of it either. I've owned this computer for 6 years and have chatted on and off during that time. I met someone a year ago in October and I really fell for him. I've never met anyone through the internet before and never desired to meet anyone. Noone ever caught my attention the way he did. He seemed secure and mature in the beginning but he began to change once he knew I had strong feelings for him. We could talk for hours and hours. I felt so close to him. I told him everything about my past which included being sexually, mentally, emotionally and physically abused by different people and at different times in my life. His concern and the love he said he had for me felt so genuine. I thought for once that maybe I found "the one". Then he started to want more and more of my time to the point where it was taking time I needed to be with my son. He had been lied to in the past and was very leary of women but at times I felt like I had to make up for what the other women had done. I don't know why I felt guilt for things I hadn't done but I did. He became suspicious more and more but it was for things that normal people do everyday...like get some sleep. He thought if I was tired or wanted to just rest or take my son to a movie or anywhere that I was automatically cheating. I tried to assure him that I wouldn't do anything like that but it didn't matter what I said. He was SURE I was cheating. Sometimes he would call me names and throw my past in my face as if I had control over the situation whether I was a child or not. He said that I would never have been raped when I was 23 if I hadn't been at a club with my friends. It didn't matter that I wasn't drinking and I was the designated driver that evening, he simply said it wasn't a place I should have been at for any reason. I flew out to his city to visit him in January and even that turned out to be a mess. I missed the phone in the hotel because I was in the bathroom and I couldn't hear it ringing. I picked up the second time he called and without a hello or anything, he started cursing at me and asking me where I was. I was floored. He actually believed that maybe I met someone in the hallway of the hotel or that he wasn't the only person I flew out to see. It took me forever to calm him down. I noticed when we went out anywhere that he was giving certain people looks that could kill. When I asked what he was doing, he said it was one thing to have another man admire me but it was disrepectful if they looked too hard or too long. We wanted to have a child together and weren't using any protection either while I was there. I thought maybe if I was pregnant, he wouldn't be so worried that I was going to leave him. He always said he wanted to trap me with a child and in the beginning I actually thought it was sweet and romantic. It turned out to be a huge mistake, when I got home and got into my apartment, the phone was ringing and it was him cursing me out when I picked it up. He asked why I hadn't called the minute I walked in. He obviously wasn't listening when I told him what time I would be landing and I had to scan my plane ticket and send it to him to make him believe me. A week after that, he told me that he had an STD and it was from me. I've never had one before and was panicked. I denied having one and immediately went to my doc to see what was going on. She tested for everything in the book twice. They were all negative. He didn't believe me and again I had to get a copy of my results and e-mail them to him. He still didn't believe me. The situation finally got to be so stressing that I decided to just disappear. I told him that I didn't need to be called names and made to feel bad for things I hadn't done. Sometimes he would have me turn my webcam on and keep it pointed at my bed just so he would know I was alone at night. He also forbade me to leave my home after dark. He didn't want my family near me or in my home period because he said all they did was bring me down. I think I'm making this too long so I'm going to try sum it up. He made me feel like crap and that everything bad that ever happened to me was my fault. So I disappeared from being online, thats when he began threatening me and my son's life. Some days he e-mails and says how sorry he is and other days, he rants and raves about how my time is coming. I've only kept the e-mail address he uses so that everything he says is documented. Now what I'd like to know is, is that abuse? Is it intimidation? Is it bullying? And why on God's green earth would he want me if he treats me like garbage. Why would he want someone who's "so-called" tainted, or used and abused? I mean it took me a long time to not feel like all the abuse was my fault and now I'm right back there wondering if he was right. Did I ask for my son's father to beat me? Did I ask to be raped just by being in a club? Am I not worth the air I breathe as he says? I feel so down and out and don't know what to do. In the year I've been with him, I've actually felt suicidal. I didn't even know it until I took 17 sleeping pills in one night because I couldn't sleep and I just wanted to turn my mind off for a few hours. I took 2 and couldn't sleep, so I took 2 more and so on and so forth. Before I knew it, it was 17 and I immediately went to the hospital. What's he doing to me? Why does he insist on torturing me? Why won't he just leave me alone? How did I let it get this far when I know better?

What happened is that he spun his web of lies and deceit so well that you didn't realize you were caught until it was almost too late.
You might be in a better position than most since you're not living with this guy (thank goodness). I think you know you need to end this relationship. It's unreasonable and unhealthy, and if you have a son, this guy is the last thing in the world you want to expose him to. I'd recommend cutting off contact completely, changing your e-mail address, ignoring his requests to see you on Web cam, etc. Does he know where you live? If so, I'd talk to your local police ASAP and let them know you're dealing with a potential stalker. They'll at least know to take any 911 calls from your address especially seriously.
This guy's preying on you. He smelled your weakness and he played into it big time. End this before it's too late, and definitely be careful.
Take care,
A