update

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
update
2
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 2:11am

I was on a short trip but spent this morning reading over the latest postings. It helps so much to hear other people's stories and how they make it through. If I may just bother everyone with an update (thanks for letting me ramble). Again, comments are more than welcomed.

While I was away, the spouse has been calling every day to speak to my son. My mother informed me that a couple of times he called sounding seriously depressed. I believe that even a 4 year old can pick up on that and so my son quickly said he had to go to color or play. This peeves me to no end that he would call to try to pour out his sorrows on a 4 year old boy. It also peeves me that for the little boy's entire 4 years, his father has incessantly asked him every day if his son 'loves him' or 'are you my buddy'. Little children should be told they are loved and not required to boost the ego of the parent.

Now, as a regular habit, the spouse has been calling every day, sometimes twice a day, being quite short with me and then asking to speak to my son. Then the spouse passes the phone to his mother, whom he is staying with, who speaks to my son. They end up saying good bye without asking to speak to me again. No problem, but I have this little nagging feeling like impending danger, just from their tone of voice and the things they say. For instance, my spouse's mother keeps repeating how she (and the spouse with his brother) is staying with me over Christmas for three weeks and getting my son excited about it (even knowing the horrible threats my spouse has made against me). As I have said in a previous posting, I was planning on leaving before Christmas. Here come those feelings of guilt again.

I have spoken with two counselor's, several friends, and relatives all of who insist that if I stick around for Christmas, the chances of something disasterous happening are too great. He is already flip flopping between depression at potentially losing something, and elation at thinking he is causing me pain (either by threatening to leave ME, or by telling me how much more money than me he makes). My only pain would be for him to do some act of violence or to try to kidnap my son. Of course trying to destroy the house or anything inside has also been a possibility suggested by the counselor as well.

Am I right in thinking that allowing this to continue over Christmas is too risky? Do I have a legitimate right to take his son away and bar him from his own house over Christmas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 8:07am

Hi, Hg, glad you made it back.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
In reply to: hglucky
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 12:07am
This is so similar to what happened to me and my kids when H and I were separated. At one point I had to get supervised visits only with the kids (because of some dangerous things he did in the house). He would keep calling both my kids in school/daycare. He would cry with them, pour out his sorrow (real and imagined) on them that they woud feel so sorry for him and try making cards for him and other stuff to make him feel better. It was so ridiculous that he is supposed to be looking after them and they have to do this for him. More recently when he was at home, and in a rage, he would tell them things like they would never see him again if they went with mommy (when I wouold try to take them away from the chaos, somewhere out). It is like he hadd the kids just so they are a support to him. And just like you wrote - constantly asking if they like something he bought, or if they love him, etc etc. If I tried talking with him about this (not in front of children), he would say he has a right to speak to the kids ay way he wants. I think children should be allowed to be children, and not obligated into such adult-roles. I have an update on another post about my OFP, and hope that you can get some peace soon in the future. When my kids asked questions, I would answer honestly, but in terms they can understand. I also told them that if dad talks to them about his problems with mommy, or his sadness, or anything that makes them feel uncomfortable and sad, they can tell him that this is adult stuff, and they don't have to listen. In a supervised visit setting, he couldn't do any of this, they were happy and I think he was happy because of the structure. I am hoping he will change his behavior toward the children at least so they can have better contact with him, and none of this instability.