Can an Abuser Change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Can an Abuser Change?
8
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 5:06pm
I've been wondering about something. My husband was very abusive, in every way possible. We were married 7 years, we've been divorced 3 yrs. Now he has been with this woman for over a year and it seems like they have a pretty good relationship. I just wonder how can he be decent to her but so extremely abusive to me? They don't seem to fight, the kids would come back and tell me if something ever happened over there. I guess she just tolerates a lot more than I ever did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 9:18pm
Jody. Read Tracy's reply to my post (New Member). I don't that a year is long enough for the obvious abuse to start. Think back to when you were with him for just a year. Would outsiders get the impression that you and he had a good relationship? He may be on his best behavior around the kids. Also, she could be a lot more submissive than you are. She may be in agony on the inside, but not fighting back (yet). There are probably already a lot of red flags that you could see now a mile away. However, she probably cannot see them. I have finally learned that abusers choose to be with the people that they are with for a reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 10:40pm

I copied and pasted this one from the bery bottom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 11:49pm

Reading this has just confirmed for me for tonight my reasons of leaving. I was having one of those "pity me" days. I had to go to work because I needed the money. I could have stayed home without pay. To do what? Think? So I went to work for four hours and came home to see if anybody called. Nobody called. So I went back out, went to the tanning salon, Walmart, bank, etc., stopped at work again, came back home to another empty caller I.D. So there I sat. I made leftovers and sat in silence eating them. Thinking, I'm alone. I never say I'm alone; I say I'm by myself. But right then I felt alone, wondering did I do the right thing? I started crying thinking of the current a**hold that I let screw up my head, crying over the other a**hole that I let ruin my life for 27 years, crying over my 83 yr. old mother that I left yesterday wondering if she'll be here next Thanksgiving, and I cryed. Until I finally got up, moved my furniture around (all two pieces not five), put up my little 4' Xmas tree (not the 9 footer that had to be "perfect"), put out my few decorations (not the zillions), washed one load of clothes (not seven), turned on the t.v. to what I wanted to watch, and damn, didn't I feel better. Then I read this post, cut and pasted the bottom half so I can save it for when I'm having another one of these days, and now I'm on the computer without anyone asking me what I'm doing. I had my moment there for a while, but now I'll go to bed at peace. Yes, I did the right thing. I just need reinforcement sometimes to realize it.

Thanks, Wishful, you made my night without realizing it.
Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 9:42am
Hi, Jodyann, I'm with the others.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 2:03pm
The reason I think about this because I always wonder if it was me who had the problem in the relationship. So far everything seems to be going well for them and I start to think maybe it was me who had the problem in the relationship. I noticed though that she is a lot more submissive than I would be. It only took a couple of months in our relationship and he started to become physically abusive. But because of my own problems and self esteem issues I always thought I was the cause of our fights.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 2:10am

Jody,

Most everyone has some sort of self esteem issues or doubts about themselves. Remember that abusive partners are great at projecting whatever they are feeling onto you. If you were not submissive then you had a lot more self esteem than you thought. Someone that is very submissive and says "yes" to everything to the keep the peace will make an abuser furious also. It will just take a little longer. I remember the first time that I told my husband that I felt like I hated myself. That was about 3 years into the marriage. I did not realize what was happening. I had already started blaming myself for something being wrong in my relationship. I could not put my finger on it. I even went to a psychologist and said "I have everything that I want. I should not be unhappy"
. Anyway, that gave my husband just what he wanted. He became my teacher/therapist. He said "How can someone else love you (meaning him), if you don't love yourself"? Little did I know, I was taking the advice of someone that was deepy troubled and had more self loathing than I ever imagined. He was also probably deeply depressed. He just came across as the big strong guy that never let anything get to him. These abusive relationships are designed to make us feel that it is our fault. I am fighting the same battle. I still have days where I cannot convince myself that I was not the cause.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 8:52pm
Happy -
After reading your post I want to say "YOU GO GIRL - YOU AREN'T ALONE" !!!
I too have some days like that. But I keep myself busy and it passes. Then He will say something or do something and I think YES that is why I'm leaving you!!! We are in the process of a divorce and having to live in the same house till it's final.
My dd was home over the holiday from college. He saw her a couple of hours on Thanksgiving day and then worked all weekend. She left today before he got home - I think she did so she wouldn't have to listen to his pittifulness. She knows how he feels about her and it hurts me so much to know that she has accepted the fact that her father dosen't know or care how to be a father to her.
My mediation is scheduled for Tuesday and hopefully we'll be out of here before the end of the year!!
Keep up the good work and positive attitude about yourself. We all have to start out with baby steps!
e
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:07am

Thanks "e" for the support!

Good luck with mediation on Tuesday. I don't know when our divorce will be final. We haven't even got a court date. However, last night after my DD and I got in a fight over something that he thought was stupid but it wasn't stupid to me, I thought "this is one of the reasons why I left".....lack of communication and no support. I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum, he'll do anything for his DD and I got put to the wayside. So the fight is over, and her and I are fine again (that mother/daughter relationship), but I just never get and never have gotten any type of support from him when it came to discipline or who was right and who was wrong.

Baby steps....I'm getting there.
Happy