Mother
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| Sat, 11-27-2004 - 1:36pm |
My mother has called. That is after two weeks when she reacted to my pregnancy scare by saying " Very good! You will b alone and nobody will help you. You will see your own beetroots" She did not know anything about what was my boyfriend attitude when she was saying this. I was feeling depressed for over a week.
She instigated in the meantime that my dad would call me to give me a big grief and agrovation that i do not want to go to a concert on the Christmas day. I never said that and m easy on these things in order to avoid physical combats. He shouted at me and interrupted my every sentence.
She keeps calling my granny to say nasty things about anything i do. Me and granny agree on that. I am under pressure from work. She said to granny that she will pay for my ticket to fly and visit her to pick up some documents which is to do with my mum's work. I am the last one to know and cannot go which makes me look as if i do not want to see gran. Gran understands that. Mum suddenly calles and talkes to me sweet. I said my beetroots are fine. What beetroots she asked? Than she says thats very bad I cannot drop everything to fly to Warsaw cos her documents are v importnt. I say she can use UPS. She claims UPS works only in USA and gets me involved in disscussion about it and cannot admit that she could use the secure delivery post and finishes conversation abruptly says she cannot disscuss that and that she has to go puts the receiver down. As far as i know she is in debt from exessive spending. Later she wud say its because of her buying my air ticket. This is the usual.

Unfortunately, my mother is the same way.
Dear Wishful,
I know exctly how you feel. I also lived with my mother from the age of 24 till i was 29. Good thing about it was that I could finish my studies without getting seviously into student loans. The bad thing was that i started slowly turning my heart into a stone in order to survive every day abuse which was severe. My parents are divorced since i was 3 years old so my dad did not share the abuse which was absolutely horrendous.
First of all my mum would do anything to interupt me in my studies. She wud come in to my room to get into the garden all the time with an anourmous chip on her shoulder. She wud slam the door and than she wud start mowin the lawn. Every day! The moment i wud come back from the university the gardening started. There was no grass to cut but she wud ride the mower backwards and forwars till dark. I had to start to study in the library. If i put the toothbrush in the wrong holder it would b carefully put in the middle of the floor. It was like a Far Eastern torture. When i had gastric flu once my mum gave me something to drink that made it much worse and laughed. I cud go on and on.
The problem was that we lived in house that belonged to a trust that we were both eligible for at point of the sale of the house which was a very complicated matter but if i left earlier i wudnt get my share (it did not mean that my mum wud get less). Thanks to enduring my torture i was able to purchase a flat later so i guess it payed off. Sometimes though i regret those years although they were not completely lost.
My mother switches from a very nice person to a monster. Everybody knows that. Her sister is even worse. My dad was engaged to both and married my mum. It is an awful scenario one usually sees on the Jerry Springer show. I do not have anything to do with it yet i am constantly being involved into most ferocious quarrels. I am sick of my dad telling me how my aunt had broke his heart, and who slept with who, and who betrayed who. Now they are going to remarry after 27 years of being divorced. I cannot wait when this will be finalized so that my mum moves to LA and leaves me alone. You see even when we live apart now she still has the power to hurt me. When I do not see her for some time i feel strangely relaxed and happy. She plays games all the time.
I am just very worried what this Christmas will be like. It can b nice or it can b hell. Dad is coming to London for 2 weeks. When he came for my graduation ceremony they both abused me phisically at the same time. This was to do with the money and the fact that i did not want to sell some of my pictures. I had a commission for portrait once that was going very badly bacause my models kept changing ideas about the background they wanted and the light all the time. I was very naive to ask my mother for emotional support. She said that my work was s****t and that i did not know what real work was about. When i started work as a lecturer at the university she suggested i should sleep with my 60 year old boss to secure my job. When i lost control during my dads visit on the graduation day cos i tried to defend myself and i quoted what my mum had said about my work i ended up with bruises! My dad was holding me down and mum was hitting me. I really did not know what did i do in my life to deserve this I only just finished my postgrad and wanted to keep some of my pictures for a potential gallery.
I even cannot get angry about it it froze me so much at time. Basically i started walking with a whisky bottle in my jacket's pocket for the next two weeks but i quit cos it is not really in my nature to drink. I had to though as i started having spasms in my chest and whisky helped. So yea, i had some awful experiences and yes i also fantasized of killing her and cutting her hair with the skin but at the end of this fantasy i always felt as if i hurt myself. The list of horrid things she did or said to me is neverending. I cud start writing a novel ( or a thriller ) Sometimes though she is wonderful.
I am so sorry for all the difficult times you had to go through, I absolutely feel for you and please do not let her hurt you again. She probably puts you down cos she wants you to depend on her. My mum wants to treat me like i am her possesion. I believe we should work to make them understand that we would not really keep in touch with them should the abuse continues. First step is total and absolute financial independence. My mum wud do anything in order for me to loose my flat and come back to live with her.She currently is getting in terrible debts situation partly cos she knows it freaks me out. She is particurily destructive if i look for a new better job and she subjects me to overflowing criticism on the regular basis on my abilities and my potential. She mastered character assasination techniques in order to do that. She tells me i am good for nothing. She is very inquisitive and intrusive.She paints an image to my granny and my dad of me being lazy. She lies. When i bought a chrystal chandolier to my room she said she can picture me laying in bed and looking at it for hours etc. Total and utter nonsense.
I hope you are ok and that you having peacefull weekend, united we stand,
Love and hugs
Adriana
Dear Adriana,
What a great name...I wanted to name my daughter Adrian...in fact when she was little she used to call herself Adrian. Her name is actually Nicole. I guess I'm going to give you some advice you may not want. You are old enough to be on your own. Do it. You no longer need your mother, nor does she need you. This is a time in life that you both should be self sufficient and just love each other. She has been through enough in her life and you have been through enough, but the bottom line is to be totally free you gotta do it yourself and find yourself. It's hard, but so worth it. The growing curve you will experience is worth a ton of gold. I'm sorry if this came too coarse, but I have learned until you live your own life how you want to you will never be free.
Terry
Dear Newcam,
Thank you for your complement, my name comes from antiquity and means Soldier actually ( from Roman Hadrian).
I absolutely agree that me and my mum we should lead separate lives and we do already for 2 years. I am only worried about Christmas time thats all. It was very difficult for me to move out cos in Catholic tradition daughters usually move out by marriage ( i have made numerous attempts before). It is one of those things. Its a bit like my muslim friend who is constantly denied that her university degree is worth anything cos where she comes from people only appreciate doctors. She has gone through terrible traumas with arranged marriage thing when she was mocked and turned down by a bunch of horrible matchmakers for acomplishing an art degree. You cannot really say one should cut oneself completely from family and tradition. I am going to have children in the future and they will need grandparents.