New Here- Just so tired of fighting it
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:55am |
Hi,
I am so glad I remembered about ivillage's boards, because I have been so lost lately. I have been married for 10 years this Dec. and it has been up/down the whole time. My husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder after we have been married for 5 years. He was extremely verbally abusive at that time. I left him and he went into counseling and got on medication. Since that time he cycles up and down, which causes our family to go into a tailspin everytime this happens. When he is "up" he is happy and generally everything goes smooth. When he is "down" everything sucks. We (the kids and I) end up walking on eggshells all the time, he flies from rages to tears at the drop of a hat. This happens month after month and year after year. He goes to therapy and then he doesn't as soon as things get better.
For years he tore me down and made me feel like nothing. I or the kids were/are usually to blame for his problems and emotions. Recently, I went back to school to finish my bachelor's degree, and I found a whole new world for me. One, where I am a success, my friends and teachers encourage me. Then I come home and he hates my newfound self esteem and tries to tear it down. He is struggling in his career and constantly feels like a failure and I have tried to support him over the years, despite everything because I love hi rather I loved him, I don't know what I feel now, except numb. I feel so empty and alone when I am not at school or with my school friends. At home it is just more of the same. I think I am ready to make a break for it. This is so hard for me and the kids, plus my 10 yr. old son is really starting to show problems with the stress of home.
I recently have made a renewed effort to try to save our marriage and got myself into counseling, but I am really wondering if it is worth it. He says he really wants us to stay and be a family, but he isn't making that much improvement. Can much longer can I fight this? So often I try to remind myself that things are part of the disease, but it is isn't working anymore. I am so tired of trying to make things work, I just want to live and have my kids live without any drama for awhile. I can't really afford to leave either, but I know I have to do what is best for me and my kids future.
Sorry this is so jumbled, I just have so much on my mind. I am really struggling to make heads or tails of all of this. Has anybody out there dealt with verbal abuse from someone with a mental disorder? Or just any advice or support would be nice.
Thanks so much,
Kelli

Kelli,
I recently posted here for the first time as well. I can relate to many things mentioned in your post, especially your jumbled thoughts. Sometimes I just have no idea what to think about my relationship. I wonder if I should stay, believing he'll change or standing back and taking a hard look at everything and knowing that nothing has really changed in 3 years. Wondering what's my fault and what's his and knowing that deep down, almost every issue is his that he projects on to me.
I too decided I'd make a "renewed effort" to try to work it out and started counseling in August. Out of 7 sessions he has missed 3. The only advice I can give you is what I'm giving myself as well - set a goal/time limit that you will go to counseling, based your progress, if any. Then, you need to make a decision. Will you stay or go?
Just letting you know you're not alone. Hang in there.
Lisa
I too just started to post here. My H is verbally abusive. I can relate so well to thewalking on eggshells feeling. I am in therapy and H won't even consider it. I feel liek I don't know how to help it anymore. Things can go great for weeks at a time and then bang he gets into a mode and I am every awful thing in the world. It makes me feel like we will never recover and I get tired of even trying. This is not my problem. It is his. But I have to live with it every day.
I too wanted you to know I can relate and wish you the best
Hugs, Kelli and welcome to the board.
Mama Harmony
Oh boy.
My husband is also diagnosed with a mental disorder and needs to take meds. But just as the others, he stop/forgets to take them when he starts to feel better. Or stops taking it to set me up. His disorder is ADHD and Depression. Which is very similar to Bi-polar. The ADHD causes the manic phase and the Depression then causes the lows. When he was first diagnosed about a year ago. I thought "great now the medication will take away his anger problems." And maybe it could if he took his meds regularly and saw the doctor like he's suppose to. He's just so into "selfmedicating". I guess that's the control freak in him and abuse is about control. So he would rather medicate with alcohol or street drugs than prescribed medication. Go figure.
I can relate to all the new people. Even though I'm not new...I've left my husband 3 times this past year. I can relate because I have done a lot of self-healing, support groups, and therapy. Tried so many different things to save the marraige. Took on sooo much of the responsibility even though he's still saying that I'm not taking responsibility. or that when he tries to talk to me, I'm like a child. The worst yet is that I'm being falsly lead spiritually. Give me a break....I feel so close to the Lord and I have a peace that I rarely have and he says...falsely lead. That's just another form of abuse..spiritual abuse. He's trying to attack my center to have me be the insecure victim and I won't go there again.
Keep working on yourself, but don't believe him when he says this or that is your responsibility. Work on yourself because you will gain a peace that he cannot destroy. And the more you get your true identity back, the less jumbled you will feel.
God Bless,
Loonybunny
Hi there,
I have bipolar and can relate to how your husband is. I was also in an abusive relationship for 5 years and am still dealing with it so I can relate to what you are going through as well. Your husband has a horrible mental illness and its not his fault. But you cant live your life feeling the way that you are feeling. If you and your kids are this unhappy you have to do whats best for you and your kids. I have sympathy for your husband because I know how this illness is and it sucks. You loose the people that you care about because you always end up hurting them. There is never an excuse to hurt people but its so hard with this illness because it is so unpredictable and very powerful. I dont know what your husbands history is so I cant give you too much advice but I can give you a link to a great site and I think you should check it out. Its a website dealing with mental illness and they have a message board for people with a mental illness and also for people that care for someone with one. Go there and check it out there is a lot of information. And you can post messages and get advice from people that are dealing with the same thing that you are dealing with. Its so hard to live with someone with Bipolar and you need to he happy and take care of yourself.
Here is the link: http://www.dbsalliance.org/Forums.html