new and uncertain

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
new and uncertain
5
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 6:32pm

Well I have been in this relationship for the past 6-7 months. When things first started out they were wonderful. The man I was involved with was so amazing. He payed me compliments, told me I was wonderful and beautiful. Things haven't been going so well lately. He gets really agitated and angry. He yells at me a lot, telling me that I just frustrate him so much and that I act immature. He then started atacking my family because of things I had confided in him about my family life growing up. Next thing I know he is always telling me that I am unstable because my family is screwed up.

Before him and I were officially a couple I acted in a sexualy free maner, and he knew how I was. This makes him say that he can not trust me because sex means nothing to me and that I have no morals. He has called me a slut before.

The smallest thing will set him off. He will tell me that he can't handle me because I'm screwed up and have mental problems. I do have a learning disorder and sometimes I can be a bit dingy, but he plays on it and tells me he doesn't want his kids having my problems and tells me that my brain is damaged from the ADD drugs that I took before. I am no longer taking these medicines.

Well the other night things escalated and we were arguing AGAIN....he breaks up with me often. Well he told me he was going to go inside and get all of my stuff and bring it to me. I started to follow him inside and he shoved me. I was shocked and just stood there. He came down and threw all my stuff on the ground me and stormed away.

He came by today and I was on the phone with my mother telling her what was going on. He stood outside the door and listend to our conversation before coming in. He got very angry that I was telling her what was happening with us. If I can't talk to my mother who can I talk to???? But then proceeded to tell me that I am devicive, that I cause problems with all of my friends. He made me feel as though I had caused all of this.

This is why I am here. I know in my head that his behavior is not acceptable, but I feel so sad and hurt and betrayed. I feel like I have done something to bring this on. I just feel so alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:58pm

Your boyfriend sounds posessive esp when he spies on you making phonecalls. The thing about you being a "screwy" may b his " freudan projection." He obviously has issues himself he cannot admit to , may be his dad is cagy?. He should learn to distance himself from you now and let you breathe if he isnt into free/open relationships why did he get involved with you in the first place? Probably he was craving some fantasies and now feels guilty and puts the blame on you. Its a bit like my recent ex (i just broke off) who painted a picture of himself as free, experimental etc. and later suddenly said "You are sex-starved" which i thought was quite opposite actually. I should have recognized his willing to control me this way earlier when during foreplay he was massaging my feet after dancing and I started feeling vyry sexy and have made one sexy noise. He has raised his finger up and said "O!'" like "I caught you enjoying yourself" No matter that he displayed all signs of enjoyment himselve it was me who had to be a slut obviously. And than his suggestions of spanking again to make me feel i am the naughty girl and wind me up and later " you are sex starved" My God am i supposed to be a statue carved in stone. What does he want? No matter that he had chased me for months suddenly he got what he wanted and im a slut. I dont know what kind of lesson im supposed to learn from this confusing experience ? that life is unfair and women are always to blame? Surely these were the red flags of emotional abuse .

Hugs

Adriana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:18am

Hi kathrynlea…welcome to the board.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:27am
Thank you so much. Your words were a huge encouragment. Its different to think something, and have the reasurance of hearing someone else say that you are ok. After all of his behavior I feel as though I don't know who I am or my worth. It is wonderful to be here on this board and hear things from others. You are right, he would always get very mad if I talked to my friends about our problems. It is wonderful to talk to others who have gone through the same thing I am and to hear that there is hope!!! It is hard and I am hurting and in a strange way missing him, but I also have this feeling of relief since I've left. I am greatful that I came here for help, or I would very likely have gone back to him again. I am glad to have support so that I will not let this get worse or go on longer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 3:01pm
Already he is apologizing, saying he doesn't know why he says the things he does, that he doesn't mean them. Saying he loves me, that it will be better once hes not stressed anymore. Telling me that he misses me so much, he never wants anyone else. Telling me how good things are when they are good. AHHHHHHHH!!!! I don't know what sort of spell he has put over me, but my heart is breaking and I want everything to work out. I know better but its sooo hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 9:59pm

Hi, Kathrynlea,

Mama Harmony