Narcissist?
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 5:34pm |
Hello again, I hope everyone is doing well and keeping their chins up! ;)
Just popping in for a quick question, some of you may remember my story.
Recently he told me a few strange and downright scarey things about her.
a) She heard about a certain problem in my city and said to him "I hope they all die". He asked her why and she replies "You know why!". (Because I live there - she would like me to be dead. (Don't worry, she won't come near me!)
b) They were walking outside and passed a young woman sitting nearby, crying her eyes out. As they pass her, she starts mock-laughing "he he he" because she thought it was funny that the girl was miserable. He was shocked and asks her why she's laughing at that and she snaps, and for the rest of the day she goes on and on and on about it and how there was nothing wrong with her laughing at it.
c) Again, they're outside in a public area and a little girl is playing by a little pond, stepping on stones in the water and the little girls mother is warning her "Don't fall in now!". She said to him "I hope she falls in". He asked her why she'd say such a thing and, you guessed it, she snaps at him for questioning her, and the next few days mean that she's going on and on about how she said nothing wrong.
Isn't this odd?? Doesn't that sound like a narsissist? No empathy at ALL for other living beings?

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Hello, good to see you again.
Mama Harmony
Hi Mama :) Thanks for your reply.
I'm no expert on mental disorders, but yeah, there is clearly something very off in her head. She leaves me absolutely speechless.
He is definitely not realizing the depth of the situtation, he's so good at putting his head into the sand. She has him gripped by the throat and he is very confused. She does the whole "I'm sorry I can't help myself"-thing almost every month and I'm afraid he just really wants to believe that THAT is really her speaking.
I know there is nothing I can do but be there and listen and help him if he asks me to. But it is so helpful for me to be able to come here and post things here, to get your perspective because I trust that you know what you're talking about. So thank you for that.
He has started hurting himself when she is "raging", to get her to stop. He has cut into his arm, stapled his leg, and knocked his head in the wall. He was nearly crying when he told me this. This is my biggest concern in the whole situation.
Thanks girls for your opinion.
I agree with you, I've been reading about this online, pretty much all day in work (my boss would love me if she knew... ;)). Now, reading about this online is clearly not making me an expert, but there is not a doubt in my mind that she is a very very disturbed person. Which might complicate things even more, even make her more dangerous. I guess I was just wanting a second opinion to back me up.
But like I said, I'm more worried what he will do to himself rather than what she might do to him (although clearly, she is the force behind it).
I wonder if all abusers don't have at least some sociopathic tendencies. The fact that they intentionally hurt others with no genuine remorse seems to indicate a fundamental lack of human empathy. In addition to making them quite dangerous, it also makes them unpredictable to us non-sociopathic types. Trying to apply a normal person's though process to an abusive person just doesn't work and is very frustrating. I noticed this intensely this weekend when my sister wanted to pick her son up from his dad's house early because road conditions were really bad and she wanted to make the 250-mile drive back to her house while it was light. He would only allow her to get her son an hour early, at 11 a.m. (Should not that sister's X was very abusive) My dad was puzzled by this. Why would he put his son in a dangerous situation? He just didn't get that his son's safety never even entered his mind. The only thing he thought about was him being the one who decided when she picked him up.
A thought, anyway.
MG
I've been thinking just that mgnorth.
I've noticed alot of "they are NOT sick", and "they are just like that". I find that so hard to swallow, that some people just happen to want to make others unhappy. Why would someone who is "well", and "normal", willingly make someone feel bad, let alone a loved one?
What I'm guessing (and understanding) is that this is said so that victims/by-standers/witnesses will NOT find a way to excuse the treatment and accept it because someone is "not well." Obviously, there is no EXCUSE for abuse, but perhaps an explanation of such behavior.
I would say it is to do with power. They fail to recognize the fact that with power comes responsibility.
It is also to do with being tought certain values to be able to recognize good from evil, if a man is tought that he is superiour to women when he is a boy or his views are corrupted this way the chances are he would like later in life to excersise these beliefs to prove hes a man . One has to be tought the rules . But i guess if ones insane one is insane cannot do anything about it.
My mum always said that she is the one who has given me life. Thats her belief. That no matter what she does she always right because shes the mother. Than she laughs because she knows she just said a thing that bring up the fear reaction in me. I think you call it a sadistic streak...
Yeah it's definitely all about control.
But that is also a sociopath's "trait", they need to be in control, I from what I've read. Some other traits of "Antisocial Personal Disorder" (sociopathy) are;
* callous unconcern for the feelings of others;
* gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules and obligations;
* incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them;
* very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence;
* incapacity to experience guilt and to profit from experience, particularly punishment;
* marked proneness to blame others, or to offer plausible rationalizations, for the behaviour that has brought the patient into conflict with society.
Sounds alot like an abusive person, doesn't it?
You can call them callous, inconsidered, with hard past experiences etc. but i think it is proactive behaviour that makes them win. They are so absorbing and engaging that they may at times appear and b confused for exciting. They usually play games and appear threatening and cruel without any remorse. It is their status quo. It is almost on a verge of being ingenius yet their only creative work is the degree to which they succeed to irritate or hurt.
My mother has a tendency to make people look like idiots for pure fun. And yes it works and it can b histerically funny. Never forget when frustrated ex wing-commander of the Polish Air Force association came back from the shopping trip extremely worried that something happened to my mother cos she had told him to wait for her outside the store and she had never come back. He had been standing there for an hour and was convinced something bad must had happened. Meanwhile my mother came back home by bus laughing her head off. Unfortunately it is in the genes.
My great aunt got married to a very wealthy aristocrat and used to come to my grann to pour a bottle of vodka on herself to make her husband think that she has turned alcocholic. Later he was coming very worried and crying on my gran's shoulder only to listen to my gran demistifying the whole situation to him and my aunt's yet another stunt. The list is endless.
My other aunt in London offered to keep my books when i was moving house but when i arrived in a taxi with them she said "Sorry my dear child i forgot i was moving too in couple of days" of course that was supposed to b a briliant joke and i was supposed to b an idiot. And i know i am supposed to forgive her cos she had hard life with all her five husbands she had, last of which had passed away one day after the wedding. ETC., ETC.
These are obviously only the mild examples.
Not quite sure I understand your point adri :)
You don't think that abusers (generally speaking) have a mental disorder, that they just *are* like that?
Again, I want to clarify that I am not suggesting that having some kind of a mental disorder excuses abuse, ever, or gives ANY reason whatsoever to tolerate it.
I just can't quite come to ... grips, I suppose, with the idea that people can be so cruel to their partners/families, yet having a sane mind. Maybe that's naive of me.
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