Beginning of forced exile
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| Thu, 12-02-2004 - 11:52pm |
Today is the day I begin my forced exile because I lived with a man that has made it clear nobody crosses him, and has no problems with 'killing' as he said just before he left for his temporary trip. The idea of my leaving him with my son, just before his mother and brother come to visit him for Christmas at the house, just before he could show off all the things he has acquired to them, will cause a fury that I never want to witness. If he was to read this message, I am sure he would feel immensily proud at thinking he caused so much fear and awe over his fury. It was always something he considered a 'strong point' in his character.
It has been very hard this week. I had to tell the director and supervisor about what I am doing. No less than four times in one day did I fall apart in front of people at work. I thought I was pulling everything together yesterday and could even have a reasonably normal day. Then I was asked to join a business lunch. The Director asked me what I wanted for desert. I said I was too full for it but he insisted and ordered a cake to split with me, saying I needed something sweet. I guess it almost made me burst into tears knowing he said that because he knew what was happening. And I can't say that I am used to someone trying to comfort me. After all, I lived with a guy for 9 years that needed so much comforting that there was no time to BE comforted myself.
I go to work for half the day then try to wrap up things at home before setting off. It seems like a nice place I am going to. It's a farm in the countryside with a little appartment. I wanted a nice place to spend Christmas with my son away from the anger and rage. I just hope I can come back home soon. But it is eating me up inside wondering what will happen when he finds out everything. He has a plane ticket back on Tuesday, but I would hope he realizes there is no point in coming back and just stays where he is.
