Hello, long ago I used to post here, but
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| Fri, 12-03-2004 - 1:08pm |
I went to the Dealing with Alcoholics board because I thought it was more of an alcoholic problem than purely domestic abuse. I am coming back because this is more related to abuse, and less about alcohol and it involves my alcoholic husband's treatment of my family and my younger son's reaction to it.
I'm not going to go into too much history, because it would take too long, but quickly, DH is an alcoholic, he's verbally abusive and has a history of being physically abusive (pushing, shoving) in the past to me. This was worse when he'd been drinking, but the agression is definitely a pattern throughout his life. He has not been physically abusive to me in about a year, but he continues to threaten and intimidate our 2 sons who are 6 & 9. He still spanks the younger one and will threaten to spank the older one, but he's learned how to "fly below the radar", so he hasn't been spanked in a long time.
What I'm concerned about right now is my younger son who is 6. AH is very hard on him and gets very angry with him when he doesn't eat fast enough or doesn't pay attention to him or interrupts him...little things. AH will pick him up, spank his bottom and throw him onto the couch. He'll threaten to do it as well, which just terrifies DS#2, even though he doesn't actually get spanked. He makes him eat his dinner on the floor in the next room in the dark when he doesn't eat fast enough, calls him (and all of us really) horrible names that a child his age shouldn't even know exist.
Anyway, here's my situation: DS#2 was called to the school nurse's office to have a hearing check with another boy in his class. DS#2 sat down in the chair and proclaimed "my daddy hits me and throws me". The nurse called me at work and asked me to come in to talk. In the back of my mind, I sort of knew that something like this had happened from the way she spoke. Also, I had read a book to the boys about a week ago about a character who has seen something "terrible" (it doesn't say what so it's applicable to many situations) and how the character was having tummy troubles and feeling bad all the time. Well the character ends up talking to the school nurse and she helps him feel better by talking about his situation. I wanted them to know that it was okay to talk about things, not really thinking (stupid me) that one of them would go to a relative stranger. So anyway, I met with her and the school guidance counselor privately for about 1/2 an hour. I lied a lot about the truth of our situation, because the truth is just too horrifying to say out loud, but they heard a lot from DS#2 so they pretty much knew basically what is going on. I minimized the drinking and the abuse, but I did admit that he yells a lot and that he has no idea what he is doing to his children. I also said that this is the way he was raised and that if he could see himself for what he really is, he would be horrified. I do believe that.
So there we have it. My family's dirty little secret is now out in the open. Bless my poor son's heart that he had to go to "strangers" to plead for help. I don't know what to do now. Do I confront AH with the situation, tell him that the nurse spoke to me? The prospect of that terrifies me. Do I just work with DS#2 teaching him about alcoholism, etc. to bring up his self esteem either on my own or with counselling? I can't let this continue because DS#2 is begining to behave with classic alcoholic/abusive reactions. He only knows that he's scared of his dad and confused about why.
Sorry to dump this on you all, but I'm hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice.
Hugs to you all and thank you for reading.
Mel

I used to pray that my kids wouldn't say what their dad put them through, and it was so horribly unfair to them to lie about what they went through.
Hi there and hugs to you and your children. I have to jump in here because of two things. One, I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years, free for about 4. Secondly, I am a social worker and work with families with multiple needs/issues. Unfortunately I deal with domestic violence alot.
I have to say that reading that book to your children about talking about feelings was hands down the best thing you could have done to help them know that they can talk to someone. It wasn't stupid at all. You empowered your son to reach out and seek help when you couldn't. There is nothing wrong with that. I think he is a very brave boy. It must have taken a lot to talk about this stuff. On the flip side, he is dealing with so much and probably just wanted to feel better and letting this stuff go was probably very therapeutic for him.
As far as your meeting with the nurse and counselor. Let's be honest here, hon, I am sure that they realized you weren't being entirely honest. I am sure that they have a little bit of training in dv. Since they are mandated reporters, they might have reported the concerns. I am not sure how much your son said.
You are in such a horrible position because you want to protect your kids. You know that if H finds out about this, he will blame the son who told the nurse. You know that this could be very bad for him. You also know that if he does find out, he will probably get on your case for how you handled it. But I also know that it has to break your heart that your sons are being treated so horribly and you feel helpless to do anything.
If Child Protective Services comes I suggest that you play dumb and let them just do their job. They are legally not supposed to say where the report came from, so you can just pretend like you have no idea.
Although it doesn't feel like it, this big secret coming out is the best thing that could have happened. Domestic Violence thrives on silence, secrets. Your H can only continue his terrible behavior if you all keep it secret. If the secret is out, he starts to become accountable for HIS choices, HIS actions that hurt his family. I know you know this, but the nature of alcoholism and DV is to blame everyone else around you rather than blame yourself for negative consequences. As long as you and your children keep quiet, he gets to continue his tyrades and such awful behavior.
Find some support for yourself. Maybe that counselor at your son's school could be of support to you. I know you are doing the best that you can do. I know you love your children and hate that all of this is happening. Keep posting here, keep learning about the dynamics of dv.
Hang in there
Liz
Thank you everyone, for your responses.
I'm a little concerned about where this might be going with the school nurse and counselor. Monday, my son fell off the monkey bars and went to the nurse (I presume that was why he went, but he said the counselor was there too, so I don't think it was entirely just about his fall) and he told me that they "talked" again about his dad. I asked him what they talked about and he said it was "too long" and the only thing he mentioned was that they talked about how his dad doesn't like the school.
ADH thinks they are too interested in teaching things that are a family's responsibility for teaching like fire safety and nutrition and health, and yet they aren't teaching the basics. He calls them idiots in front of the boys. They do sort of go overboard with some things for example, our older son wouldn't eat a cookie for about a month when they were teaching about hidden sugars in foods! He's not a child who has to worry about being fat, yet he was taught that sugar was bad, so he didn't dare eat a cookie.
Anyway, back to the nurse/counselor. I am so afraid that they are interviewing DS#2 about things at home and then they are going to take my children away. I don't know what to do. I feel like I don't dare go into the school for fear of what is going on and what people think. I don't know what they are thinking or doing or what they might or might not know. This morning I met DS#2's teacher walking down the hall and she said "hi" and smiled, and I automatically think "she said that a little too cheerfully, does that mean something?" I'm going to make myself crazy! Do I speak to the nurse/counselor to see what they are up to? Do I kick ADH out? HOW? He has no idea this is going on...Do I tell him? What sort of reaction do you think I would get from a man who drinks everyday and by the end of the day is half in the bag and in a bad mood thinking everybody's against him? If I try to talk to him about things in the morning when he's at least not had anything to drink, by the end of the day when he's had a few, he's worked himself up into a really bad mood and takes it out on me even though it might have been okay in the morning. I hate this.
Please, help me figure this out.
Mel
Edited 12/8/2004 10:57 am ET ET by melsdone
Hugs again,
Ok, clearly the school is concerned. He spoke to the nurse AND counselor again because they are trying to figure out how to help him. This is what I meant about when you spoke with them. I am sure that they feel that there is more going on than you are telling them.
The school nurse and counselor cannot and will not take away your children. However, they can report to Child Protective Services. CPS can take your children away. AND they do take kids away when there is DV involved. BUT, I am not entirely sure that is what is happening here. What happens is, I will use your situation as an example. Your husband hurts the children and you, and you protect him. You could be charged with "failure to protect"...the kids. He could be charged with hurting the kids. Now I am not saying that is what will happen. It is what I have seen happen. So, if your husband is unwilling to make the changes needed, then you absolutely have to. My boss always says to me, "Change what you can change, control what you can control." In this case, for your kids, you have to take control of the situation.
Here is my suggestion to you. Please don't hide from them. The school is a wonderful advocate for your children. I wonder if you could go in and have another talk with the nurse and counselor. Go in and say that your son said he had another visit with the nurse and counselor and you want to talk with them about it. You aren't going in there wanting to know every detail about what they talked about. You are saying you just want to have a discussion about their concerns. Look, people are now involved. You can't take it back. So, go in there and talk with them. Yes, that is asking a lot. But you want them to know that you are concerned about your kids. And that you want to work together with them. You don't want them to think you are protecting your husband over your children. The impression that they are getting here is that dad is completely unapproachable. From the way your son describes him, he sounds mean and critical. I really think you could make yourself approachable and work with them.
Also, you said in your post that you are afraid of what people think. You are not the only family dealing with this. Please try not to be ashamed. You are not a horrible mother. They will only make judgments on you if you give them reason to. That is why I suggest you go talk with them, open up. Take responsibility for your part in this and ask for help.
I know that this is not easy stuff. And it goes against your family culture of keeping the secret. At least think about what I have suggested. Remember, I do work with families all the time. I advocate for them with schools and CPS. I do know what I am talking about. I also know that for the most part CPS are not monsters, they have a job to do. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are problems with that system, as with other systems.
Hugs and check in when you can
Liz
Thank you Liz, you are a voice of reason in my troubled world! I agree, that if I hide from them, they are only going to think that I've got something to hide. You're right, I should go back to speak with them, just to "check in" after what DS#2 told me. I really need, for my own sake, to know what they are thinking. I'll try to get a few more details from my son(s), they may have spoken to my older son too, and then I'll call to set up an appointment.
But what do I do about my "husband"? Would you advise me to say anything about this to him? I know that it would be hard for you to say, not knowing exactly what my situation is, but what is your gut feeling? And why, do you suppose, the school called ME when it was my husband that my son said hit him and yells at us? Why wouldn't they call HIM?
Thank you again Liz, and all of you.
Mel
Well, I think you have an excellent plan. Go back and speak with the school. I think that if you open up to them you will find them to be supportive. I have to caution you about questioning your children. They are children, you are the adult, you need to take care of this. Does that make sense?
As for talking with H about this. You are right because I am not in your shoes. You know him best. Given what I know about people who abuse and people with alcoholism, they don't usually like to take responsibility for their actions, so I don't know if it would do any good. Again, you know him. My gut feeling is concern for your safety and your children's safety. It is a tough situation however, because the school is concerned about the well being of your children and normally when the school is concerned they like to talk with both parents about it. In a perfect world, he would hear this information and stop his drinking and work on changing his behavior. However, I don't think it would go that well. Again, you know him best.
I also strongly suggest that you get some more support for yourself. I wonder if you would find Alanon helpful??? Have you been in counseling? Do you have any family around or friends that you could talk with?
Bottom line, his drinking and his behavior is effecting his relationships and the well being of those he loves. He is putting his children and wife at risk and the sooner you guys are not at risk anymore, the better.
Nobody can tell you what to do in this situation. You have to do what your gut tells you to do. Trust in yourself, believe in yourself, and believe in your mommy instincts. Only you know what is best. You must be a strong woman to be handling such an awful and stressful situation. Yep, the spotlight is on you. Not too much pressure there! LOL. You can do this. Baby steps, start with meeting with the school. Give yourself credit for being a smart woman and a good mom.
Hugs again!
Liz
"I lied a lot about the truth of our situation, because the truth is just too horrifying to say out loud, but they heard a lot from DS#2 so they pretty much knew basically what is going on. I minimized the drinking and the abuse, but I did admit that he yells a lot and that he has no idea what he is doing to his children."
By serving as your husband's apologist, lying to authorities and allowing this abuse to continue, you may be paving the road to social services taking the boys away from you. You must have reasons why you have stayed in the marriage, but I hope that you will find the will to start working your way towards independence. Because you may end up keeping the husband and losing the children.