I feel like I can't breathe ......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
I feel like I can't breathe ......
4
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 3:54am
Hi to all who read this....I have not been here for a long time so here goes....I am confused in every sense of the word. I don't know why I can't just leave this man, I don't know why I still have some feelings left that make me stay and have some small hope that somehow I will wake up and things will be better. The fact is after 14 years of being with my H he is just never going to trully change. I know that he has proved it time and time again, so tell me why can't I just go. We have been doing the DV councelling for weeks infact months and the other day he raised his fist at me and what do i do stay, he called me a c of a thing during another argument (a new one even for him) and i stay. He accuses me of putting my job before him and our family this is after having a row and i have to leave for work. i don't show him love i am treating him as a convenience I am using him etc etc i could go on and on and on and I am sure this doesn't make any sense to any of you I just don't know how to get out this situation. My whole life is a mess and I stay. I actually rang the shelter and they had a place at a hotel for me and the girls ( i have two girls 5 and 11) and I just couldn't walk out the door. He is killing me little by little. I feel like I am drowining and no-one can see me. I just feel like screaming until I can't scream anymore. I am so tired tired of being sick tired of feeling dead inside, tired of hearing all of his venom. I wish I could just jump
on a plane and fly away from all of it. Please help me I don't know what to do anymore. Is there anyone that has been through this and if they could go back and say something to themselves to get themselves to leave what would those words of wisdom be. I have slept a total of 2 hours in the last 24 and my head hurts i can hardly breathe i just don't have the strength to fight him. I laid there last night while he had his arm around me and all I wanted to do was cut my arm off and run. I know this all sounds extreme but thats how I feel...... I am so numb....this would have to be the worst torture imaginable.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 5:13pm

Hi,

My advice to you is to get yourself and your children into a shelter ASAP. Then, work with the shelter to get help with your immediate needs. Don't look back! Look forward --you have your whole life ahead of you!!

I survived a long-term abusive relationship with my companion. On 11/07, his last abusive act on me was when he put his hands around my neck, and I had to hit his hand hard (I was holding keys in my hand) for him to let go. It was actually the 2nd time he had put his hands on my neck. The 1st time he did it, I was 1/2-asleep and unable to call the police. But, it did scare me enough to realize that I would NEVER allow him to do that again, and get away with it!! I calmly walked outside the apt., called 911, and the police came and arrested him. That was the last time I saw him. Since then, I got a Temp. R.O., then I just got another R.O. that's good for 3 years. The only reqret I have is that I didn't call the police a long time ago!

Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 5:33pm
When you have hit your breaking point, then, and only then, will you be able to leave.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 6:27am

hurtylots,

I have been trying to post but have been so busy. Tracey is right when you reach that point you will leave. As I read your post it brings up memories of about this time last year. My date of freedom was Nov 20. The upcoming months till that date were so unbearable I cringe when I think of them. When I'm talking months, I'm talking possibly a year or two. I can't remember when it went from bad to unbearable. I was like you numb and finally got to the point that I never even spoke unless I really had to. I question this DV counseling. When Wendell and I started counseling together and issues were brought on the table, the abuse only intensified.

I didn't think I could leave either. In fact I had gotten to a point where I felt that I was truly worthless and the things he told me were probably true. Actually, he was the one that asked for the divorce. He would tell me all the time I didn't love him enough, I only think of myself...the list goes on.

What I can tell you though when the time comes, the first year will seem like pure he@@ until you start straightening out your thought processes. You will have to deal with the anger and hatred from your kids that they learned from Mr. Lovely.

The first month I put myself on autopilot and did what people told me to do. I didn't think for myself, I couldn't.

It will be okay, so many people told me and I would just look at them in disbelieve. Guess what, it will be okay. No, better than okay...a whole new life!

Hang in there.

Terry

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:16pm
If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your girls. It is imperative that they have a positive male figure in their lives, not an abusive one. It will set the pattern up for the rest of their lives if you stay. All they will learn is that they have to put up with it. Your girls deserve better and they deserve a happy and healthy mom and dad. It's sad that he doesn't even stop and think of what he is doing to his own flesh and blood, bad enough you have to deal with it, what will happen when he turns on them??? Don't let that happen. He has got you so mixed up right now and that is exactly where he wants you. He has beaten you down and you feel powerless to do a thing. Write a list of pros and cons and the consequences of each, weigh your options carefully, and then get to a safe place, if he is indeed the type to hunt you down and really hurt you or the kids, get safe. We were not put on this earth to be treated like that. Don't let him take away the part of you that knows better, the strong part, the part you were before you met him. Take back your power and let him know that respect is demanded, not requested. If this is something that would cause more harm than good, don't say anything, let your actions say it.....leave for the better of yourself and the kids. Maybe after that, he will realize he needs help because staying is empowering him to continue this way and he won't ever have to acknowledge that he needs help, if you leave, it will better everyone in the long run. Peace. :)