I feel like I can't breathe ......
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I feel like I can't breathe ......
| Mon, 12-06-2004 - 3:54am |
Hi to all who read this....I have not been here for a long time so here goes....I am confused in every sense of the word. I don't know why I can't just leave this man, I don't know why I still have some feelings left that make me stay and have some small hope that somehow I will wake up and things will be better. The fact is after 14 years of being with my H he is just never going to trully change. I know that he has proved it time and time again, so tell me why can't I just go. We have been doing the DV councelling for weeks infact months and the other day he raised his fist at me and what do i do stay, he called me a c of a thing during another argument (a new one even for him) and i stay. He accuses me of putting my job before him and our family this is after having a row and i have to leave for work. i don't show him love i am treating him as a convenience I am using him etc etc i could go on and on and on and I am sure this doesn't make any sense to any of you I just don't know how to get out this situation. My whole life is a mess and I stay. I actually rang the shelter and they had a place at a hotel for me and the girls ( i have two girls 5 and 11) and I just couldn't walk out the door. He is killing me little by little. I feel like I am drowining and no-one can see me. I just feel like screaming until I can't scream anymore. I am so tired tired of being sick tired of feeling dead inside, tired of hearing all of his venom. I wish I could just jump
on a plane and fly away from all of it. Please help me I don't know what to do anymore. Is there anyone that has been through this and if they could go back and say something to themselves to get themselves to leave what would those words of wisdom be. I have slept a total of 2 hours in the last 24 and my head hurts i can hardly breathe i just don't have the strength to fight him. I laid there last night while he had his arm around me and all I wanted to do was cut my arm off and run. I know this all sounds extreme but thats how I feel...... I am so numb....this would have to be the worst torture imaginable.....
on a plane and fly away from all of it. Please help me I don't know what to do anymore. Is there anyone that has been through this and if they could go back and say something to themselves to get themselves to leave what would those words of wisdom be. I have slept a total of 2 hours in the last 24 and my head hurts i can hardly breathe i just don't have the strength to fight him. I laid there last night while he had his arm around me and all I wanted to do was cut my arm off and run. I know this all sounds extreme but thats how I feel...... I am so numb....this would have to be the worst torture imaginable.....

Hi,
My advice to you is to get yourself and your children into a shelter ASAP. Then, work with the shelter to get help with your immediate needs. Don't look back! Look forward --you have your whole life ahead of you!!
I survived a long-term abusive relationship with my companion. On 11/07, his last abusive act on me was when he put his hands around my neck, and I had to hit his hand hard (I was holding keys in my hand) for him to let go. It was actually the 2nd time he had put his hands on my neck. The 1st time he did it, I was 1/2-asleep and unable to call the police. But, it did scare me enough to realize that I would NEVER allow him to do that again, and get away with it!! I calmly walked outside the apt., called 911, and the police came and arrested him. That was the last time I saw him. Since then, I got a Temp. R.O., then I just got another R.O. that's good for 3 years. The only reqret I have is that I didn't call the police a long time ago!
Barbara
hurtylots,
I have been trying to post but have been so busy. Tracey is right when you reach that point you will leave. As I read your post it brings up memories of about this time last year. My date of freedom was Nov 20. The upcoming months till that date were so unbearable I cringe when I think of them. When I'm talking months, I'm talking possibly a year or two. I can't remember when it went from bad to unbearable. I was like you numb and finally got to the point that I never even spoke unless I really had to. I question this DV counseling. When Wendell and I started counseling together and issues were brought on the table, the abuse only intensified.
I didn't think I could leave either. In fact I had gotten to a point where I felt that I was truly worthless and the things he told me were probably true. Actually, he was the one that asked for the divorce. He would tell me all the time I didn't love him enough, I only think of myself...the list goes on.
What I can tell you though when the time comes, the first year will seem like pure he@@ until you start straightening out your thought processes. You will have to deal with the anger and hatred from your kids that they learned from Mr. Lovely.
The first month I put myself on autopilot and did what people told me to do. I didn't think for myself, I couldn't.
It will be okay, so many people told me and I would just look at them in disbelieve. Guess what, it will be okay. No, better than okay...a whole new life!
Hang in there.
Terry