I'm back - husband's in jail

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
I'm back - husband's in jail
3
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:02am

Hello everyone,

I'm back again.... I've read some of the posts and find them VERY helpful. My husband has been in jail since Nov. 2nd for slapping me. Fortunately the neighbors heard and called the police. God Bless those neighbors for calling the police. I also hope they gave the police the necessary infomation so they can come as witnesses.

After my husband went to jail. I thought...Now he has a chance to realize that he does have a problem and he'll change. Which still may happen, but for now it hasn't. I had an EPO for a week and after that I talked to him on the phone. He was very apologetic and said it wasn't my fault. That God put him in jail to help him quit smoking/drinking/using drugs, etc. God's way of getting DH's attention. Then he was moved to a Christian Block where he does bible study and says he prays for our family. Next, he wrote me a couple letters and asked me to write back. Also I went to see him during visitation hours. I didn't subscribe to "no contact" because I'm hopeful this incarceration will change him.

Unfortunately, in our first visit and in one of my letters, DH didn't like that I "pointed" a finger at him about his drinking, etc. Although I have HUGE Faith in our Lord and Saviour, I also know that reconciliation cannot occur without repentance. Which requires talking about the hurts. And I also thought since he said he was walking very close to the Lord that dh could handle me expressing my hurst. No so. DH got very defensive. and instead of understanding me, he fired back at me like I was the enemy.

This past visit he said to me "Do you know the consequenses of me being convicted of a felony?" And I was thinking he should have thought of the consequenses BEFORE commiting the act. Now it is clear the only thing on his mind is getting out of trouble. And to make matters worse, he's denying that he even hit me. His story is that he doesn't know how I got hit (an open hand slap, btw). That I was coming at him and he was blocking in self defense...or some bull. Also he's claiming that I was drunk.

I got so angry after hearing him make those claims. And I was confused...what happenned to what he said earlier. Sounding almost thankful to be in jail and having alone time with God. Saying he felt convicted by the Holy Spirit. But now he's refusing to believe he has a problem or that he hit me. RED FLAGS all over the place.

Well, thanks for letting me vent. And as I write these things, it helps me to clarify my thoughts. No, I'm not ready to believe it's over or that it's hopeless. But for now he's in jail and my family is safe. I pray that God continues to work in him and that he will have a breakthrough. Or that I find strength to see the end or press on, either way. I'm thankful that I have Jesus who gives me strength and guides my path. And I pray for the ladies on this board. That they will find peace amidst the storms. that each lady will find personal strength and know they are valued in Your Eyes.

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 12:54am

Hi loony...I'm sorry that you're still going through these same things

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:12am

Glad you're here, bunny. Watch him. He's going through the cycle even now while locked up. Acting all repentant and sweet, saying everything he knows you want to hear, using religion to get hold of you, drawing you in for a 'honeymoon' phase. Then when you didn't totally fall for it, he was upset. Wouldn't face his own fault in it. Laying the blame for his criminal record on the very person he hurt. You didn't hit yourself! You're absolutely without reservation RIGHT; he should have thought of the consequences before. He just thinks you're his mop and ought to clean up the mess he made.

From a Christian standpoint, you're right again. God is trying to get through to him through the consequences of his behaviour and the help of others. And God can change him if he really wants to change. He's saying he wants to but not living it. 99 percent of them never choose to change. What I would suggest, though, is that you're not the one God will work through. Your word doesn't matter to your husband, so when God speaks through you, it falls on deaf ears.

Stick around, please. We're here to vent, and hugs and attagirls are plentiful. Take really good care of yourself. You're doing great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 10:55am

Very funny that you would say I hit myself....because in our "fight" during visitation last saturday... that's exactly what I said to him. I was like "I suppose I hit your hand with my face."

Thanks for validating me. I felt guilty for a little while about walking out of the jail. Like I was leaving him hurt. But I felt like the conversation was just getting worse and that my words were falling on deaf ears.

The cycle, huh. Even if he's in jail, we can still go on the cycle? Thanks for pointing that out. I guess I kinda thought that would happen, too. I just wasn't sure what it would look like. But him screaming through the window with all the same accusations and "stinkin thinkin". I was very frustrated.

Plus, I have his mother coming down on me too.

I've been doing searches for support for wives of imprisoned husbands. And also looking for constant validation that he put himself there. Or God put him there. But that it is in NO WAY my fault.

Sweetdreams is right and thanks for that validation. That my husband has been commiting this crime for some time. If only his mother could see that, because she makes me feel like I call the cops for any reason and that a "simple" fight shouldn't warrant someone going to jail. People on the outside just don't know.