Article: should this upset me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Article: should this upset me?
9
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:47pm

I went to a memorial / vigil tonight for victims of domestic abuse in one of the counties in our area. My sister was one of the people being memorialized among approximately 8 or 9 others. There were several speakers and also a candlelight ceremony among other things. 9 people came from my family to this event and it was attended by I would say well over 50 or 75 people. I am horrible at estimating things like that.

Anyway. I talked to the Assistant Prosecutor of that county after the ceremony for a while along with my mom and discussed with him this website(Ivillage) and also the book Why Does He Do That? He seemed very enthusiastic to read the book to help himself understand abusers and how he can help victims of abuse. He is supposed to call me tommorrow with information on umbrella projects for domestic violence for the state and for the national level. I want to do something but just dont know where to start. I think alot of people feel this way. So many things need to be changed.

Anyhoo onto why I am posting hehe. I wanted to look up a site my mom had suggested for the Quincy criminal justice system model which she said she had found a page and this model showed a town/city that was very successful at reducing DV / DA . So I did a Dogpile search and came upon this website.

http://www.mensnewsdaily.com/archive/c-e/davis/04/davis070604.htm

I dont know if that will have a link but maybe it can be cut and pasted. Basically what I got from that website is that this man wants to minimize domestic violence against women and he takes great offense at someone saying that men are the main perpetrators of DA /DV. Maybe it is late and I am tired and reading it wrong but that page just rubbed me the wrong way. I am sleepy and have been up about 20 hours now so will try to post more in the morning.

Please let me know what you think of that site and if I am wrong about my first impression.

Hugs to you all

minnow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:10am

Well, a lot of men feel that way.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 1:06pm

Hugs blue! While the statistics do show that more men abuse women, try to move past who does this or that and in what numbers. Abuse is someone who needs total control and power over others in their lives. Abuse has no gender, it has no race or ethnic background, it happens in all levels of society. Abusers readily choose to act the way they do, nothing makes them do it, it is their choice. Both men and women choose to treat others in this manner.

Try to come to see abuse for what it is, try not to put a label on it other than it is abuse, one human abusing another. To say abuse this or that is to say all men are bad. To others, all women are bad and this type of thinking will more hinder your healing than to help.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 2:11pm
He just says what it isn't, but he doesn't say what he thinks it is or give his ideas for programs he think would work to treat abusers or victims.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 2:16pm

"Abuse has no gender, it has no race or ethnic background, it happens in all levels of society." Yea right , nice sentiments but very far from the truth. We live in societies that privilage men and violence does happen more at the financially challenged homes. As long as a professional woman in the city is payed less for the same job as a professional man does we will have abuse. As long as a hard ard working woman is coming home from work and is EXPECTED to hoover around the privilidged huband watching tv and than bring a spoon and stir sugar in his cup we will have an abuse. It is a moral abuse at the outset. These are trades of widespread inequality. We have to deal with myths in the society that demean women.Sexual herassment towards women at work goes widely unreported. Women who were raped are regarded dirty and guilty by women who go to church and treat their men with awe and veneration. There should be a partnership in relationships with a special recognition of hardship intrinsic to womanhood and not a dependancy or regime .

There is no time to yawn and be tired about it . The man who wrote the article is an as**hole and a buffon as well as possible crypto - abuser and defenitely an abusers apologist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 12:25pm

Men are abused by women, but are less likely to report it because men are seen as the dominant creatures and should be able to fend for themselves.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 5:09pm

Yea im sure abuse touches milionaires families too and i reckon especially around the time they make bad investments.

Anyway thank you so much for the bit about lesbian/ gay relationship. It is soo true. And especially if one has changed the "gear" already it is so difficult to talk about it. I never had any phisical violence in the lesbian experience i had, but a lot of emotional abuse and medling. It was also connected with the fact my ex girlfriend's very well off and has a very big head about it. But when she faced having to take equity loan she bacame very abusive.

I wish i could wipe off my past sins , yet, before an abused man points his fingers he should try to be honest.... There are always two sides of the coin.

Despite the fact my ex was 7 years older to me I could not talk about the abuse in the bedroom i had been going through and he knew that . He has a right to claim he had been abused physically by me to the point of having bruises. I have a right to claim he attempted murder by pushing me under the car while shouting " Be careful!"after final breake up. He also kept calling me for months wanting more of this hell. Unsuccessfully.

The only remedy i see from the time perspective is improvement of the society that eliminates potential of abuse by enabling women to speak up at any circumstance and stoping mysogyny by not continnuing giving privilidges to men and especially making a woman into a men's accessory.

Lets not be duped by canny man in disguise of the sorry face .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:14pm

Hello Buffphone,

I just want to thank you for posting a reply to the original topic. It was good to see you here. You've been popping up in my mind lately when I'm on this board, even though I know very little about you. :)

It seems to me that many feel that the discussion on female abuse against males in some way minimizes the abuse, hurt and pain that millions of women suffer. It absolutely doesn't. This isn't gender vs. gender, it's abusers vs. victims. It's as simple as that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 10:22pm

Today i went to see my mortgage adviser. He called me "darling" and touched me dozen of times while discussing the deal. Your views are from coocooland.

Today i also went to see Paula Rego at the Tate Britan. Would you care to search her on a webside? I have to warn you though you might get deeply disturbed just as dozens men and women who went to see it when i was there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:25am

Thanks to everyone that replied. I want to address Buff and Sweet and try to make myself more clear on what I meant when I originally posted. I wholeheartedly agree that abuse is horrible no matter who it is against and I believe that it is minimized in society for all groups. ( I am thinking of the what I percieve as the comments such as "well why didnt she just leave him?")

I also believe that abuse is especially difficult for men and those in the gay community to come forward with since there is a stigma or stereotype associated with those areas already. Such as it isnt 'manly' to admit being abused.

I guess what I was trying to say in the middle of the night while I was half awake was that it upset me that this person was minimizing abuse at all. At least that is what I see he is trying to do on his website. I guess I should move past that like Sweet addressed but it just bothered me that night because it is the people that have those opinions that we have to confront with the reality of abuse. It is the people that minimize abuse in any form that need to be educated. I dont think a man woman or child should have to endure any form of abuse...be it emotional, physical, financial, sexual, or verbal and I am sure I can go on with other forms but wont.

I just want to help to effect change in our society some way, some day. I am sorry if my message was a bit garbled.

Hugs to you all!

Minnow