seeking outside opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
seeking outside opinion
3
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 7:00pm

Well I'm feeling like a slightly cracked nut... definitely need some outside perspective.

A little background, I have a 20yo daughter and an 8yo son, both born September 3. Been on a rough ride with the 20yo, biggest problem being she's a drug addict and living with a drug dealer. I have no contact with her, but she has phone numbers of people who will help her get straight and sober if she wants to. My in-laws don't quite understand, to say the least. On the kids' birthday in 2003, they had a birthday party - for both kids. I had a hunch, but when I asked hubby, he lied about it. Day of birthday party, he went without my son. I called a little later, and he said everything was fine, I could bring him over. So I did. And at that point was thrown off my in-laws property. I asked hubby if the 20yo was there, and he said no. But she was. He and my son stayed, I left. Can we say HURT?

Between then and a couple of weeks ago, absolutely no problems in our house. Of course there were little annoyances, little verbal barbs, but nothing I chose to battle over, and presumably the same on his end. Then just before Thanksgiving, which we have spent with my family since the 8yo was an infant, he told his mother he and my son would be there. He did this last Christmas too, left me home alone... a couple of my friends couldn't stand it, and invited me to spend the holiday with them. I did. And that may have been the end of it, except when I got home I was met at the door with, "What are you doing here?" followed a couple of minutes later by my son asking why I was trespassing (not a word in his vocabulary). A little while later I had to run an errand and asked if he (my son) wanted to go with me - but he was scared to get in the car with me, said he thought I might steal him. I asked *DH* why he would think that, and he said he had no idea. And the 8yo said, "Remember Daddy, we talked about it." It's been rather cold in our house since then.

Last night we went to a marriage counselor - this is our third shot at it, and this time I insisted he set it up and pay for it. He blames the other 2 times not working because I picked them out so they were on my side. The paying part is just a necessity, we have separate accounts and I jugggle to pay 100% of our bills with my paycheck. Doesn't always stretch far enough. I explained why I was hurt and spent the holiday with my friends, and that I'm left wondering how he could go on and do something that I've told him hurts me. And I said the absolute marriage-buster as far as I'm concerned is him introducing adult problems into our child's head. He dug up juicy tidbits from the past 15 years, complained about me spending time and talking with friends, and laid all blame at my feet. Conveniently forgot the promise he made last year to explain to his parents why we don't want our young child to be around his older sister. I was determined not to take the bait, and refused to talk about ancient history. Counselor decided we need to learn to 'communicate safely' together. He must have seen the hesitation on my face. I told him my husband is jealous or threatened by me talking with my friends, and yes there are things I talk about with them that I don't talk about with him... because you just don't hand a bullet to someone who's willing to point the gun at you.

No sooner did we get home and I left the room, he was telling the 8yo to tell me that he didn't have much money and needed help. Forget about the money, it's such a non-issue for me - none of this has ever been about money. I just blew a gasket that he's talking to our child about adult problems. At the very least it seems like I'm dealing with really childish behavior here; at the worst, I see how this could add up to emotional abuse. Sure feels abusive, but am I overreacting? I'm really at a crossroads. I don't want my son to learn this behavior is okay, but on the other hand divorce is hellish. Doesn't seem like this counselor is the type who deals with the issues at hand, he wants to 'build our love relationship.'

I would really appreciate any words of wisdom...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 8:34pm

Your first sentence hit the nail on the head.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 7:11am

Tracy is right...the man is nuts. In fact, he reminds me of my STBX, whom I affectionately named Wendell. Wendell did the same things with my children. He used them to solve his problems, to validate his way of thinking. It's a very dangerous game and destroys the minds of children. An 8 year old should be laughing, playing and loving both parents.

Please seek DV counseling ALONE immediately. Go to the resources here and read. Marriage counseling isn't going to fix this problem. When Wendell and I went to a marriage counseler, it was the same story. Things just got worse. Don't put yourself through it.

I agree divorce is hellish, but it sure beats being in hell all the time. I was married 27 years and felt the same way as you. Many days were tolerable, so I just went with the flow because I felt like that was where I was suppose to be and really didn't think I had other options. I have now been free for a year and NOTHING would make me go back to the life is use to lead. The road has been bumpy, but well worth it.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 9:19am
Your counselor doesn't get it. Build a love relationship and communicate safely is a good goal but it takes two, not just one. I think at best the counseling a waste of time and money.