I keep taking it

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I keep taking it
3
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:48am

I have posted my story here before, and was told my H was emotionally abusive. I looked at the list of things that abusers do and my husband scored from 6-10 of them. I still am in denial I suppose but at the same time believe there is a good chance he is abusive and knows it. We keep getting into a "discussion" about the co. I work for and his insecurity about the fact I MAY end up making more $ than him.. He thinks I will meet a wealthy man and leave him. I told him if he kept treating me this way you couldn't blame me. Last night while I was sleeping he snuck into the room, packed a bag and left! I woke up but didn't do anything just preteneded to sleep. I am so worn out after 20 years of trying to make him happy that I just didn't have it in me to get into another "discussion" that late.

He came back early this morning before our kids left for school and we talked again. It wasn't as heated as our last exchange because he felt bad about leaving and didn't even know why he did. He is very insecure and I am full of resentment. He wants to control me in every way. He said he wants to know where I am during the day and he wants me to work locally instead of for a co. that might even send me over seas for short periods. I might have to be gone overnight in our state as well. But I could really make a major impact on our financialy situation and he is holding me back.

We of course didn't solve anything because I don't see where we can unless he changes. I have to get to work and be able to finacially take care of myself and my kids not because I want to leave him.... just in case he forces me to.

Is this emotional abuse or what??
dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 6:38pm

I went back and checked a few of your old posts.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=24047.1&ctx=128

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=23836.1&ctx=128

It sounds like you have been having this struggle with him since before you were married. Surely you understand now that he isn't going to change?

It's my understanding that an abusive spouse can begin to become much more volatile and unpredictable when they see that their power in the relationship may be coming to an end. Some may not escalate to physical violence until the first time their victim attempts to leave. So I hope you will stick around (on the board), keep learning, and take extra care of yourself and your safety.




Edited 12/10/2004 6:39 pm ET ET by rosemile
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to:
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 10:16am

Hi deedee,

Hopefully I'm not reading too much between the lines here, but your post sounded so much how I felt at times. I have been out a year now and sometimes would think back and wonder what I could have done to make him happy. I now know there was nothing I could have done to make him happy how he expected to be happy. I don't remember alot of times in our 27 year marriage that was truly peaceful. Something always had to be going on. He was always mad about something. It didn't matter what. If I was even remotely attached to the problem, I was considered part of it. During the first years of our marriage, it always baffled me why he would get so mad about things. When I would have a party for the people I worked, he would always get wasted, so I quit having them. It was a slow process that went on, that for the last couple of years, no one has visited unless they had to. I became worn out like you. They wear you down. No human being is strong enough to handle the load forever.

You will know what to do when the time comes. I will tell you that counseling and this board helped me figure out exactly what was happening. I couldn't really see it myself.
When I look back at what I was, I can't believe that I stayed so long and allowed this person convince me that I was that unimportant and my whole purpose in life was to center myself around him to keep him happy.

Hugs,

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
In reply to:
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:39pm

Honey, this is called "financial abuse." I didn't know that existed either until my ex-husband did it to me.

The most common form of financial abuse is where the husband controls the finances, checkbook, etc. and gives "handouts" to the wife in the form of an "allowance." However, it can take other forms as well. In my case, he insisted that I handle the finances, pay all of our bills for the week, and then we would evenly split whatever money was left over after paying the bills. However, he did not spend *just* his half . . . he would constantly use his debit card to pull out more money and/or make charges on our checking account. So, I was always scrambling to replace the money he took so that our mortgage/heat/electric bill checks wouldn't bounce.

In your case, your H is trying to keep you financially dependent upon him. He doesn't want you to get a pay increase because he *knows* he treats you like crap, and he doesn't want you to be able to afford to leave him. Also, he wants you to stay at home so you can wait on him and take care of him, which you can't do if you're away overnight or overses. Mine was the same way. Good luck to you, DeeDee.

~Emm