Feeling very weak and ashamed
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| Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:06am |
I was really trying to be strong trying to stay away from my ex. Hes in jail so that was a good thing. His mother came by yesterday to get some of his things. She is just horrible. She really pissed me off. I wish I had told her off but I didnt. She told me that she had visited my ex and that he looked good and that he wanted me to come see him. Then she tells me that she told him she didnt want him to put my name on the vistitation list. Wait till you hear this one. She said that they can only have two visits per week. And that you have to call up to the jail the day before you want to visit and tell them who you are and when you are coming. And if you dont show up for that visit appointment someone else cant see him for that day. So she tells my ex that she is afraid that I will be vindictive and call up there and make an appointment and then not show up just so she couldnt go visit him. This woman actually thinks that I would do that. I couldnt believe she was telling me this. I said to her I would never do anything like that. And shes like well Im just telling you what I told him. I was really mad. I dont understand why this woman thinks I am like this. My ex must tell her all kinds of crap about me. Im so angry. I cant stand his mother. She acts like shes this proper lady but she is really sick in the head. Where would she even get that idea from? She must be the vindictive witch that she thinks I am to think of something like that. Then she tells me that she doesnt want me to lead her son on. I have no idea where this woman is getting this crap from. She obviously doesnt know anything that her son has done to me and thinks that I am this horrible person that has hurt her precious son so bad. Then she actually has the nerve to tell me that I can visit him with her. I wanted to tell her to F off!!! Then she asks me if I can help her move his stuff out of my apt to a storage with her. She thinks I am so horrible but yet she wants my help. I swear it took everything in me not to literally kick her ass out of my apartment. This woman has gotten me so mad it is unreal. She also tells me I cant believe that you would want my son to go to jail. She was talking about something in the past when I called the cops on my ex because he was threatening me and wouldnt leave my apartment after I told him to over and over. He was also trying to take my TV and other stuff that wasnt his. So I guess I was just supposed to let him do this and not call for help. I swear to god the day I met these people were the worse day of my life. I think now I know why my ex is so messed up. So anyway the reason I am ashamed is because I broke down and wrote my ex a letter and mailed it. I was trying so hard to have no contact and I wrote him a damn letter. Thanks to his mother.
Melysa

Hi, just wanted to say you are not alone.
Sounds like we have the same mother-in-law. Oops, sorta, you're not married. I've been thinking of starting a thread on the MIL. She's the woman who raised an abusive man. She probably plays a part in the DV cycle. I know for me, she backs me up one day, then turns on me the next. And she has said those same things to me and I know my dh calls her everyday from jail. At first I was hurt. I thought she would be there to support me and her grandchildren. Emotionally, at least, and maybe even financially (she has money). I was really hoping she'd back me up whenever dh tried to blame me. But she raised him and his problems started with childhood...so I guess i shouldn't look for her to do anything different. The key is: I just need to learn to deal with her differently. I can only change me, right. I don't trust her anymore. And don't tell her my every move. Or confide in her. I'm reading a really good book called "Boundaries" and that's what I need to set up with her. Some things are just not her business.
But I totally relate. She gave me the guilt trip about writing and visiting. And I've had those same feelings about "she's nuts, so no wonder dh is messed up, too." Then I start to feel sorry for her.
Don't beat yourself up about writing him. It's in the past now. Focus on healing you again, and that may mean no contact from now on. Kinda like a diet. If you say I'm not going to eat Fatty Chocolate Cake but you ate a piece. Well, just start over from right now. Also you may want to check out the Codependency Board. I know I have an accountablity partner who's always telling me "move on" everytime I stumble. One day at a time. hope you feel better.