Are we both abusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Are we both abusive?
5
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 11:40am

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. The first time he slapped me was 4 years ago, December 2000. He was acting wierd about a woman that came over, he wouldnt let me get the phone or the door, and she started honking her car horn, etc. I left, and when I came back the bed was made. DH is not very neat, and neither am I, so the bed is never made at our house. I said, ok, you wont let me get the door, you wont let me see why this woman you supposedly dont know is honking her horn in our driveway, BUT, you let her in, said she was from work and that she had something that you had forgotten at the office, and the bed is made... hmmmm

I was mad and was yelling, because, of course this looks like he is cheating, right? He slapped me so hard that I fell back onto the bed. I was like.... WAIT, this is SO WRONG. MEN DO NOT HIT WOMEN!!!!!!! That was how I was raised, and DH never hit me before.

So, today, 4 years later. We fight. A LOT. When we married, DH was going to attend a prestigious graduate program in a town about 7 hours from both of our families. He decided the 2nd day he wanted to move back to his hometown, which I said OK with, because he got really wierd and said we should both enter into a suicide pact. YEP. I was scared, so I moved. I was about 14 hours away from my family and 30 min. from his, who we saw every weekend.

Unfortunately, since DH dropped out of that prestigious graduate school, he didnt have anything to do that year. In 5 years, he has attended or been enrolled to attend 3 graduate schools (He did complete 1), and has had 1 part-time job (20 hours a week for 8 months) early on in our marriage. Currently, he has not worked in 9 months. That is where the story from yesterday comes in.

I was supposed to be a SAHM. (We dont have any kids though, I would not bring them into this household) DH was supposed to go to the 1st graduate school, get out and get a job, while I had babies and took care of the home. That is what we decided when we got married (even before). DH is from a traditional home, and really that is a big deal with him, to have his wife stay at home with the kids. So, DH didnt go to graduate school, and I thought, hey, I will. I ended up goig to grad school, putting me and DH, when he decided to go back, through. I worked and went to school, and was on a scholarship so I didnt have to pay tuition. DH would party with the boys while I was at the library.

Yesterday, (I took my 2 week vacation off for Christmas) DH and I went shopping. I had not known what he did at home because I am at work and he is "looking for jobs." I realized that he does not get up til noon and plays on the computer all day, etc. I sorta knew that before, but when you see it, it is like, I am at work all day and this is what he does?

So, going home from the mall, we are talking about him getting a job. Eventually, (when we are at home again) the converation heats up and I tell him that I can not afford to support him and if he does not have a job within the year (he has been unemployed about 9 months now) I will have to ask him to leave. I mean, ANY JOB. Even going back to grad school to get a PhD or something, I would even consider volunteer work a job. SOMETHING other than getting up at noon and playing computer games all day.

He went in on how I was a major (bad word) (bad word) and that I was not supportive, etc. He also went in on how my job is stupid (IT PAYS THE BILLS) and how when he gets a job that I will sit on my fat tush and live off him (No way, i love my job too much).

I dont know how the topic changed, but then he staretd telling me how my Mom is trying to break us up, and how he can wait for her to die, how I wont have any family (My mom and sister are all I have, and my sister lives in California and we arent close). AFter talking about my mom for a while, I kept saying stop saying that, I smacked him.

Then I went in and said atleast I have a decent family, your's is all trash, and he smacked the crud out of me. I have a busted top and bottom lip and my head had hurt for 24 hours now in the ear that he slugged.

At that point he would not let me leave the house and disconected the internet and phones. I found my cell phone broken in piece in the laundry hamper thsi morning. He has done this many times, and says that I am not allowed to talk to anyone until I calm down.

I feel like we cant discuss anything without it turning into WWIII. I try to be calm and say how I feel, but then he gets in and digs at me and digs and it escalates like this.

Once he said how he was so happy that my mom would die soon and we were in the parking lot and I had a cup of water in my hand and I threw it in his face. He had a cup of orange juice and he threw it in my face. I had just had 3 moles removed from my face and had big cuts on both cheeks and my chin, and oj stings your eyes too, so it was like, ok, I threw water in his face to stop him from saying that stuff about my family, and he throw oj on me.

I want to divorce him, but I am afraid of life without him. He knows all about our finances, and dont. He has squandered a lot of it away (for example, one summer he didnt want to get a job so he went to europe for a month... on my inheritance from my grandma)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 1:20pm
I don't know if you are abusive or not(although it doesn't sound like it) but even if you were that is a separate issue from his behaviour. Even if you were abusive-do you deserve to live like this? I don't think so, you deserve to be free of all this and then when you are on your own if you decide you are abusive you can go get help. I think it's just human nature to fight back when attacked and I think that is what you are doing. He does not have to work, he can have the benefits of the single life(dating and having sex with other women when he feels like it) and the benefits of married life and the benefits of having somebody to support him and clean up after him-this is a very cushy life for him. But what do you get out of it? It sounds like you want kids one day-what happens if you waste all your time with him and by that time your fertility has run out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 8:52am

Hey Beth :)

If someone said that about my mother I'd be having a serious think about the relationship. Even if she were an annoying old biddy! And your inheritance, was that from your mothers' mother? Well let's just say, I hope he got rained on alot in Europe :)

His excuse for not getting a job is that if he did, you'd spend all his money sitting on your (no doubt) sweet behind? What exactly does he think would be wrong with that for awhile, since he's been doing exactly the same?

Anyway, you asked if we thought you are both abusive. I am certainly not an expert, and it's hard to say from only hearing your side of the story, but I would say that he is. He has physically restrained you, detroyed your things, and slapped you. And actually, from my stand point it is always wrong in a relationship when someone tells you what you are "allowed" or "not allowed to" do.

When we are in a geniunely bizarre situation, our reactions to them can be bizarre too. In these kinds of moments, it doesn't mean that we are abusive if we react in a way that may make us think "Am I any better?". Someone sharing with me their wish of my mother dying would certainly count as a bizarre moment to me, and frankly I don't see how it's possible to "take the high road" on that one! Letting the bananas spoil is not a bizarre and threatening situation, but that's enough for some abusers to start an "angry session". See what I'm saying, or am I not any sense at all? :)

There's one thing I'm curious about; the suicide pact?

Hugs Beth, keep coming in! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 9:46pm

the suicide pact- when we moved away from his family and mine (like 7 hrs away from each so that he could go to school in a new state), he went a little wierd on me, now he says that he had an anxiety attack. Anyway, he looked at me the 2nd day we were there and said that he wanted us to enter into a suicide pact (!!!!I KNOW!!!!!) and I said, "WOAH. If you are that unhappy, then we will fix it, but a SUICIDE PACT?" Then we moved near his family.

He later told me that he hoped that I would kill myself and then he would not go through with it. I don't know if he was joking or not, but it is still upsetting, you know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:25pm
From the outside looking in, that sounds very disturbed-joking or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 12:51pm

Hey again Beth :)

Hope you are doing alright?

I have to say, all that talk of death is really disturbing. And yeah, I can understand that you're still upset over it. Wether it was a joke or not, why would you "joke" about something like that?

He sounds depressed, I'm wondering if he's getting any help with his mental state?
Being depressed doesn't excuse any kind of abuse though, and you should not accept abuse just because he is "in a bad place". Is he someone you see yourself spending your life with?