Not the typical abusive relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Not the typical abusive relationship
7
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 7:55pm
I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I can't tell anyone else. It's hard when I've had a bad night and I can't say a word. I love my relationship with my husband but sometimes he get's out of control. It doesn't happen on a regular basis. It seems to happen more when he's really stressed, but sometimes just whenever. There are times that it will happen 2 or three times per week. This last time it had been a couple of months. Last night I got upset because I was trying to get the living room clean because company was coming over within 5 minutes. I was tired and really needed some help and asked my husband to please help me. . I admit I lost it when he didn't get right up to help and went off about how nobody ever wants to help me and I have to do it all by myself. That really upset him, because it's not true. I guess he was ready to get up and help. I know he probably was, but I wasn't being very patient. He came into the kitchen and punched my back 2 times hard and I fell to the floor. I screamed back at him and he kicked me so I kicked him back (which I know I shouldn't have done), and he kicked me again. He dragged me into the bedroom and threw me on the bed. He held me down and wouldn't let me up. I hurt all over today, my back, my legs, the back of my hand. My leg keeps having these shooting pains. There have been three times in the past where he hit the back of my hand so hard I thought it was broken. It took so long to heal completely. But he isn't always like this. And I certainly am not perfect. I think he has a hard time dealing with my sensitivity which interupts into anger or crying and complaining. I know he gets sick of it. And another thing he hates is when I hurt myself. When I get really mad sometimes I hit my head with my fist or bang it against the wall. I know I'm not easy to live with. I am just as bad as him. He's normally a kind, gentle, person, but there are things I do I know he can't handle. There are times I really feel like I did nothing to deserve it, but other times I can't blame him. Like I said, he doesn't do this often and he's never purposely punched me in the face or thrown me against a wall. My husband doesn't drink or do any kind of drugs. He doesn't just come home and get mad at me for no reason. It's just every once in a while, and usually because I'm over reacting to something. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I know I portray myself badly, but I am acting badly alot of the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 10:28pm
Everything you described sounds pretty typical to me as far as abusive relationships go. When he didn't get you to help you quickly enough and you started in on him he could have just said I was getting up to help you in a minute, don't be impatient or something like that. Why did he have to bring the violence into it? It is not acceptable under any circumstances. Every person has stress in their lives and problems and we are all sensitive about something, but we don't deal with it by hitting others. That's how it is for a while-everything is good except for these times that he does whatever-but you may find that it gets harder and harder to stay with him because of all the hell he is bringing to you. Most abusers don't abuse for no reason. There is always a reason-if things don't go their way or if they feel imposed on or if they feel they are losing control.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 12:42pm

Hi banjjo

Again, I agree with Hope!

What you've described sounds very typical to me -- including the fact that you sometimes you feel YOU are to blame because you are "not perfect". Honey, no one is. Relationships have ups and downs and there are moments where we may lose our cool over things exactly like those you are describing, housework, bills, all kinds of responsibilities, but no, punching your lights out and restraining you to the bed isn't exactly a fair "comeback" to that. I wish I could just whisk you out of that awful and frightening situation!

"He never intentinally punched me in the face". You know that line that goes something like "but he always slaps me with an open hand"? Be careful that you are not excusing him and minimising the fact that he is hurting you, and he is hurting you intentionally. Don't find a way to excuse him. Honestly, I think he's just being clever not to punch you in the face -- other people would see the bruises if he did, and he'd get "caught". He's just wiping his fingerprints off.

He absolutely is physically abusive, it is always wrong, and it is never your fault, you never deserve it.

Please read all the lists and the wealth of information that you'll find on this site, and elsewhere. I think you'll find that your situation is actually very typical, and unfortunately very common. Lay low about it, if he knows you're "scheming" against him he'll most likely turn the abuse up a notch, or two. Just gather as much information as you can, and keep coming back here. Don't do anything in a rush. I came to these boards a good while ago, and was met with incredible support, and have seen so many wonderful people posting on here. Don't feel out of place if you aren't getting many replies, Chrismas is around the corner and most are probably very very busy baking cookies and hanging the socks by the fireplace :)

And don't forget to pat yourself on the back for seeing that he is not treating you right, it can take so long for some to discover it, and even longer to admit it to themselves!

Hugs to you banjjo!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 3:09pm

Oh I can relate.... I was separated in '90 and divorced in '91 due to a physically abusive relationship. My ex-husband could be sweet as pie at times, but then he would snap. If everything wasn't going his way, or if I didn't do what he told me to. It started with him punching a hole in the wall next to me, that happeened a couple times within a few months. Then he punched me in the leg leaving a big bruise (he always seemed to make sure that if he was going to bruise me it would either be easy to cover up, or I could say I fell). Then the abuse became more controlling and more often. He would grab me by the throat and lift me off the ground slamming me into a wall, bruising my spine... my friends would see the bruises and think we had wild sex. It was getting worse.... more hostile. After almost 5 years of marriage, he picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw it into the wall with me in it. On that day I told him that if our son (who had just turned 4 at the time) EVER saw him abuse me, that would be it and I would kick him out. He behaved for a few months and then he was accepted into the police academy... so boo hoo for him he was under stress and I was suppose to understand the abuse. He (once again) picked me up and slammed me into the door, hard. Our son heard it and came out to see what happened. The look on my face must've scared my ex, because he dropped me immediately. I hugged my little boy and told him everything was okay and to go play. I then told my ex to get out of my house!!!!!!!! He came back in a week and packed his stuff. I went through alot after that. My ex was a jerk. Sometimes he'd visit my son on a regular basis, sometimes not. Sometimes he'd call me just to harass me. My son is now 18 and his father is such a jerk, he hasn't even seen him for 4 years.........

Okay, I guess I went on and on..... but it is rare that it ever gets better. My ex didn't even realize that he abused me until one day after we were divorced he called me and told me about this poor girl.... her husband was so pushy and demanding and he threw her into a wall.... it didn't even click that's how he treated me until I told him!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 12:22pm

I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to reply and to thank all of you who did. Thank you all for your support and understanding. My heart goes out to those who have gone through abuse or are going through it.

Sometimes I feel weird, like I'm a strange person. The thought of ever divorcing my husband isn't even an option in my mind. I even feel guilty just being here writing this stuff, like I am betraying my husband. I feel guilty talking behind his back. Sometimes I look at the abuse as just a normal for our relationship. I know I do feel that guilt because I feel like I do things to deserve it sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I deserve punishment. And it's true what all of you said, that no matter what I do I don't deserve abuse. Sometimes he tells me I should leave him or that I should call the police. I would never. He tells me he's worried he will really hurt me someday because he feels so much more out of control than he used to. But then again, for a whole month before the recent stuff, he didn't do anything. I could never leave him and as bad as it sounds, I don't want to. I love him so much; he's my soul mate and my best friend. There's never been anybody I can act myself around completely and I can around him. Granted, sometimes when I do certain things, things don't always go so well, if you know what I mean, but other than that things are great that way. He's been on one this month. He bruised up my arm pretty bad. It hurt for 3 days, and that was when I was just sitting. The next day everybody seemed to want to touch or grab my arm. It hurt so bad, and then to pretend there was no pain at all was difficult too. It don't like lying to everybody, especially when I want to tell somebody. I can't imagine what they would think. I did tell a close friend about it a few years back, but I don't think she believed me. I also wouldn't want to shed bad light on my husband because he is a good man.

Anyways, thanks again for your replies and letting me get things off my chest. And my best wishes and care go out to all of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 1:49am

Hi Banjjo -


I have to agree 100% with what Hope, Ice and Gypsy told you.


I am going to be very honest and straightforward with this post, and I'm sorry if it comes across as not understanding your situation.


Your relationship, and all that you are describing, are abusive.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 8:58am
When your best friend is beating you, even if it's only occasionally and you may or may not deserve it in your mind,it's time to get a new best friend. It's better to live without your soul mate than to get beat occasionally by your soul mate. But it's ok to disagree with me, not everyone has to have the same opinion all the time to post here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 2:22pm

Hi Banjjo,

You replied to one of my posts. I felt the exact same way you do and at times I fall back into that line of thinking. I deeply love my boyfriend too but as you read when he is on he is a monster. Of course when he is off he is as sweet as pie. But the on times are so bad that the off times don't even matter anymore. I want you to read "Why does he do that: Inside the mind of angry and abusive men." Please pick it up, it's only like 14 bucks. the book is VERY insightful. It will teach you that although you may be the reason why he is upset HE decides how to deal with his anger. HE DECIDES. So it's perfectly okay for him to get upset what is NOT OK is for him to abuse you when he does. If you want to stick it out with him, he needs to get counseling. But you will see from reading this book that a VERY SMALL percentage of men actually change but it's possible. Seems like you need some counseling as well to deal with your anger issues. You shouldn't abuse yourself either. We care about you, thank you for sharing your story. We are all anonymous here so feel free to drop a note whenever you need. This board has been such a release for me. It's difficult to talk to family members when you are being abused. But I can guarantee you they will give you the same advice if they realize the severity of the situation. I'm not sure how long you have been with him but it will get worse if it goes untreated. I hope you take this condition he has seriously. He could mistakenly hit you in your spine and maybe even paralyze you. That would be the worse. My BF's friend "mistakenly" punched his wife's teeth out. I'm sure he was just going for a black eye. I'm being sarcastic if you can't tell but not towards you towards him saying he made a mistake. That's total crap. But please be careful. Prayers and Positive Thoughts.