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| Mon, 12-20-2004 - 12:19pm |
WARNING, this post has story about sexual abuse in my marriage. I dont know if that is allowed on this board, please remove if it isnt. I think that the story is necessary to my story of physical abuse, etc.
Oh my goodness. I was looking fpor a photograph on the computer and found this. It is a letter that I wrote to DH last year about why I was angry with him. I forgot half the stuff in this letter. What do you all think? I fight back too. I am not at all innocent. The story below about when he raped and beat me on vacation, I was trying to talk to him about his family and their barbs and he just laid there in the bed with a silly grin on his face and it made me so mad that I bit his nose. Then he beat me up and raped me. I mean, I did sorta bring that on myself. Most of our fights have to do with his family and when they call me names or something. I get mad, he doesnt do anything, then it escalates and I end up getting hurt.
Ok, here is the letter... sorry so long, I will try to cut it down.
Dear husband,
I have several reasons that I am angry with you. And am sad that our marriage has failed. I have asked you several times if you would go to counseling with me to no avail. Here is a list of reasons that I think it would be best if we were no longer married.
1.) You have been physically abusive to me. If I remember correctly, the first time that you hit me was December 24, 2000. (It may have been Dec. 23). You were being very secretive about a woman coming to our apartment, and when I confronted you, you slapped me in the face and I fell back onto the bed. I remember thinking, Men are not supposed to hit women. This is not supposed to happen. What had I done to provoke you? I had been upset about you being so secretive (You wouldn’t let this woman in, you wouldn’t let me let her in, you lowered the answering machine after she called the house from outside, and, after I left, she came by and you had made the bed. What was I supposed to think? I think that my yelling was appropriate. I never once laid a finger on you, and you slapped me, in the face.)
After that, the next time you really punched me was in Feb. 2001. You were mad at me and I said, “Come on hit me” You did. You left an orange-sized bruise on my arm that was there for at least a week and a half. Around that time, you stated 3 times that you were going to rape me. Twice, you held me down and tried to get my clothes off. You said at least once that I was too fat and not worth it.
You have called me fat on more occasions than I can remember. I wear a size 6.
You have done other various things from 2001-2002, but the most egregious was in July 2002 when we were on vacation. You held me down so hard that I had bruises on my arms in the shape of thumb prints, you grabbed my underwear and ripped it off and you raped me after struggling with me. You raped me. Do you understand how hurtful that is to have the person that you love the most in the world do something so horrible to you?
In May 2003, you not only hit on a girl at my friend's wedding, you told my friend that you loved her, you told me that I would always be second best. You said this when you were drunk as well as the next morning when you were sober. You cried.
In August of 2003, you told me that you were going to kill my mom, and then after I tried to get you to stop saying how you were going to kill her by throwing water in your face, you threw orange juice in my face. I had recently had 3 moles removed from my face, and had 3 open sores on my face. Acidic orange juice on sores fells pretty bad.
Now, we have just been fighting. The usual thing is, you are cruel, you buy me a gift. I have gotten 3 sets of roses, a pair of gold earrings, a gold bracelet and $500 sapphire bracelet. Price keeps going up, I see, after you are mean. Last week, when you yelled at me, called me a liar and that I was selfish for not going to your mom’s friend's funeral, when I had appointments out of state, and was not willing to get out of them to go to an acquaintance’s funeral, the price was lower, because you only said things, on a scale of 1-10, that rated about a 4 on the meanness scale. So, I got a $10 candle.
For a rape- gold bracelet
Telling me that you never loved me- sapphires and diamonds!!
Verbal abuse- candle/ small items
One punch/ minor physical assault-roses
You did something mean to me about a month ago and I got flowers and a baloon from the grocery store- what was that? I can’t remember, but I still have the balloon.
Your biggest problem with me? When I don’t want to go to your parents house. Let me tell you why I don’t like going over there. No one there cares about me. When we had to leave 2 weeks ago, your sister yelled because we weren’t going to help bring your niece's gifts back. They had 5 adults, and needed us to drive thru traffic when we should have been getting home. And its not that I would have minded helping so much, it was that I was yelled at. When I had a sour look on my face, your other sister even made a snide comment to me about it. No consideration for me at all.
Your mother has, on several occasions, and IN FRONT OF OTHERS, called me an alcoholic. I seriously doubt that you told her to stop, as you would have told me that you told her a long time ago, and, personally, had I made fun of someone to the point that they were offended, I would have called and apologized. I got no apology.
My birthday last year, (My birthday was on Easter in 2002, so we were at the In Laws). I asked several times for a cake. Every birthday, everyone in your family gets a cake, WITHOUT asking. I didn’t, even though I asked you many times. On my birthday, no one asked me what I wanted to do. We spent the whole day looking for special beer for you, even after I told you that I wanted to do something just the two of us. YOU have no consideration for me.
Your sister, the FIRST THING she said to me on my birthday, was, “Ha, I cant believe that the alcoholic doesn’t know what a mimosa is.” That is rude and cruel, and you didn’t stick up for me.
Mayonnaise face and “American”. I wouldn’t mind this if your family said this out of love or just joking around, but it is said, because, they (and you) think that I am not good enough because of my ethnic background. Other people with your ethnic background have told me how derogatory these terms are and they are OFFENSIVE. On top of that, My mother was called a mayonnaise face. You discount this like it is nothing, but if it means something to me, as my husband, it should mean something to you.
Your cousin, upon hearing that I was from the south, said, “I just hate the south. Southerners have that annoying accent that makes them sound so stupid.”
At your sister's wedding brunch, my mom had to move to another table, to accommodate your cousin's in laws. Suzi said “Thanks, its just that Bob’s parents live far away and we rarely get to see them” Does she not know that my mom lives three times as far away as Bob’s parents? Why couldn’t Suzi have moved? BECAUSE, there is NO CONSIDRATION EVER FOR ME.
At your sister's shower, I was yelled at for being ONLY ½ an hour early. Apparently she wanted me there an hour earlier? I never received a bridesmaid’s gift (All of the other bridesmaids did) and was called by your mom an alcoholic at the shower. When I went to get another cup of alcoholic punch because I was coughing, Your mom and your aunt both called out to me and shook their fingers “No more”.
When I made my confirmation, only your mom and aunt came. That was very nice of them, but had you done the same thing, you know that the whole family would have been there. I embarrassed myself by thinking that they would treat me the same and told my sponsor that they would all be there. When I found out at Friendly’s that night with you and mom, I was crushed that they didn’t have the curtsey or love or respect for me that I thought that they did. Your sisters, your Dad- no one even called me to congratulate me. No cards, nothing. You mom said that my thank you speech would have been complete if I had HER in there. No “Good Job.” Just, “Your speech was incomplete with out me.”
SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS- I have slept on a cot, that your mother informed was for me- why didn’t you get the cot, and I have also been told that it would be inappropriate for me to sleep in your sister's room near your Dad. That was QUITE awkward when, last year, your older sister made a fuss about having to sleep in your younger sister's old room. NO CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS!
My graduation from graduate school- sister and brother in law didn’t even make it, Your family didn’t talk to my family or friends at the lunch, and some common excuses for not coming were:
- bachelor party
- Small child’s birthday party
- I wasn’t planning on coming
- These people didn’t EVEN CALL or send a card or ANYTHING to say that they were sorry they couldn’t come. HOWEVER, I am sure that they will all be at your graduation. I am sure that they will not miss it for
- Bachelor party
- 5 year old’s birthday party
- to soak up the sun on the golf course.
So, basically, we are at a standstill. You don’t stick up for me in situations where I am treated like a 2nd class citizen, because YOU think of me as such. I am, as you said at my friend's wedding, “Your second choice.” But you know what, I am too good to be hit, I am too good to be raped, and I am number one in my book, and in my family’s book. I am too good for this treatment, even if I do get a sapphire bracelet or some gold earrings afterwards. No one deserves the hell that you have put me through beginning in Pheonix. NO! I remember that this began at college- you were yelling at me to get a job when my dad was terminally ill, I was planning a wedding, and finishing college. Did you have a job? NO! But you expected me to get one to save money for AZ. Then, when you were unhappy, we moved, and you wanted to move again, and when we couldn’t get out of the lease, you left me, saying that you didn’t love me, hiding the phones, and leaving me for the night. You have never treated me with the respect and honor that I, your WIFE, deserve.
(PS- I never gave this to him)

Hi bethpc,
It's probably a good thing that you never gave it to him because you wouldn't have gotten the satisfaction you would have deserved from it, but it's a great letter and I'm glad you wrote it, for yourself as it clarifies so much for you.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou