I'm leaving 1 day ... & ? it the next ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm leaving 1 day ... & ? it the next ..
14
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 11:39pm

Its no fun, is it?

I am married (6 yrs, together 8) to a very verbally abusive man, we have a terrfic almost 5 yr old dd. I am an educated, RN - who SHOULD knwo better! He is absolutely Jeckyl & Hyde. The reason i have stayed so long, as i suppose MOST abused women do, is b/c i do see the "good" part of him as well. He is a wonderfully involved loving supportive father to our dd. Never ANY at ALL, abuse towards her. & when he isnt in a pissy mood, he is fine w/ me too. It used to be that the good way outweighed the bad ... but it isnt anymore. BUT ... it finally hit me that the way he treats HER MOTHER, often in front of her, is as bad as abusing her directly. She is LEARNING it is ok to be called a moron, a fat C***, a loser, a sneaky coniving B****, - he loves to say how much he hates me - & he snaps at me about the littlest things ... i parked the car crooked, i didnt lock the window tight enough, i made the freakin POTATOES IN THE WRONG BOWL ... Lord, could anything be WORSE? Sheesh! The WRONG BOWL? Get a LIFE! But worse, There have been at least 4 times in 2-3 years where i have had to take our dd & get out, fast, b/c i thought he would hurt me. He just gets into such an absolute RAGE ... he hasnt hurt me ... yet. He did once put his hands around my throat, w/o squeezing, saying he "Wished he could snap my neck". He has told me that if i ever try to make him leave, he will burn down the hosue, w/ me in it - making sure 1st that our dd & animals are out. Nice, ha?

He also in an alcoholic. Not a raging "daily" drinker - but we have had many MANY issues over the years b/c of his drinking - & he is an alcoholic for sure. He didnt drink for almost a year b/c i was leaving him a year ago Aug, but now he slwoly is back to it. He used to be fun when he drank & over the past couple years, he is an angry drunk.

So what the HECK am i ? about leaving?

B/c I so stupidly think that he is like this b/c he feels so poorly about himself & that he has NO self esteem - OR any direction in life. He is about actually, to get a really good job - one that he has waited many years to get - good money, but even better, some furture for him. He works part-time now, he never put into this marriage finanacially even 1/4 what i have - he has no carreer, no retirment, no insurance except for mine. He feels like crap about him self & it is that vicious cycle of Depression & low self esteem. He has always been willing to try (but not get sober!) by taking antidepressants & we have been to lots of individual AND marriage thereapy. Nothing can keep him ok. So far.

I am seeing an atty Wed about filing for divorce. I dont WANT to. My dd is so close to him & it will break her heart. He cares for her when i work eves, all these years, & they have a really close bond. But i really am not in love with him anymore. I keep thinking "maybe this new career is what will pull him out of this slump. Maybe he will be HAPPY with himself, & he can change". But even IF it could change him, how can i forgive all that he has done to me & the names he has called me. When he isnt in a "mood", he is loving & funny & good to me. Sounds weird even SAYING he can be good to me. But he does have his moments.

Ok, someone slap me. (but not HIM! lol)

Am i nutz ot think maybe there is hope? I am thinking that either way i will aim for at the very LEAST a legal seperation & get him out of the house. It may take an order of protection to get him out though. He isnt going to go willingly ... UNLESS he thinks SENSIBLY for once, that an order of protection &/or his getting arressted, will LOSE this job for him in a heartbeat - its a town position. I haev documentation & some actual audio tapes, of the abuse & drunkeness all thru the years. This has been going on a long time & for at least the past 4 years i have been making a case for my getting out - & documentation in case i need it to prove he needs to be removed AND that he shouldnt have joint custody. Not right away anyway, when he is going to be most crazed. He CONSTANTLY uses our dd to get to me - he says all this stuff in front of her AND makes comments that i am going to throw him out & he wont have a place ot live or be able to see her anymore, or that i will find her a new Daddy ... crap, CRAP, liek that. I HATE HIM when he does that. I truly think he is so freaking CLUELESS about how much that can damage her ... if he realized it, he woudltn do it.

Ok, thanks for listening!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 12:17am
Did you post here before that you were thinking of having another baby with him because you wanted a sibling for your daughter or am I confusing you with somebody else? Obviously something is wrong with him or else he wouldn't do what he does. He may be in a lot of pain himself. He probably didn't have the best upbringing. But too bad. That's not reason enough that you should live your life in hell. And teach your daughter to seek out an abuser when she grows up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 5:30am
Yes actually, that is me! Things had been pretty sane & he had been sober a year - all of a sudden teh drinking began occassionally a couple months ago, & of course, the abuse right along with it. & youre right, he had a pretty horrible upbringing - that alos was my excuse that it wasnt "his fault". But it is. He is an adult & he can seek out treatment if he really wanted to. & the MOST importatnt thing IS our dd. & i can choose to love like this for ME ... but i have no right to choose that for her. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 8:59am
Did you decide not to go forward with the plans for fertility treatment?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 10:17am
Obvioulsy not now ... i did at the time. But now that things have gotten (or had, i should say, b/c of course, now we are in that honeymoom period where he is being super nice) bad again, i decided there is no way in H*ll i am doing it. It looks like i will end up a single Mom. & with an almost 5 yr old who is going to school next Sept, it will be SO much easier with only her. If i had a baby to worry about child care, that would be very tough. Plus, i have realized its not fair at this point, to my child now, or a baby, to add that to this mess. Do i still want that 2nd baby? Absolutely. & if i am single & not involved by say age 40 (i just turned 37) then i will do IVF w/ a sperm donor. But thats a whole nother board! R~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 11:20am
That's great-I mean the IVF part at 40. Don't let go of your dream for a second baby and your child's joy of a sibling just because you aren't married or partnered. You make good money as an RN and you have the option of working flexible hours if need be. Also, they can now harvest eggs and freeze them. It isn't as successful as freezing embryos and sperm, but it's another option to keep in mind. Once they perfect that, it'll really help a lot of women, because we don't have to be slaves to our biological clocks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 12:22pm

You know what i am kind of so mad about? Back in my early 20's, i donated my eggs to an in vitro clinic in Boston, for infertile women. I had a freind once who had chemo & could never have children after. I would have been SO devestated not to have been able to birth at least one child, so i wanted to give other women that chance. They got 19 eggs the 1st time & 21 the 2nd. I sure wish i could just get a couple of those young eggs back NOW! lol

But yes, i do have options. Of course, i think about how i would explain to the poor kid why there is NO Daddy ... but hopefully i wont even have to go that route. There MUST be some wonderful man out there waiting for me .... lol.

R~

ps- but i am not looking for him anytime soon! & if he is a partier, & if he hates him mother ... i am OUT OF THERE!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 1:12pm
It would be tough to explain that there is no Daddy, but if you have a good support system and positive role models in your family, there are worse things that could happen to a child. Just a note about good eggs, have you thought about having your day 3 labs drawn just to see where you are at right now in your egg quality?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 1:44pm
Actaully, i had the whole work up done - i actually had 5 IUI's done - one of which worked & i miscarried very early, this past Nov. According to bloodwork, all is well. But as the doc said, we wouldnt REALLY know unless we actually we able to see an egg - during invitro. Which was my next step - till the drinking & abuse began again. I swear, i am the ONLY person to cancell her IVF appt at 9am on a monday, & call the divorce atty at 9:05! R~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 2:10pm

Hi Rebecca. I haven't posted here often but I have been lurking for almost a year now. I felt compelled to write to you as your situation and mine are quite similar with one exception: I am in the process of a divorce and my STBX has moved into a place of his own.

I too have a five year old daughter. In addition, I have a two year old daughter. The reason that I finally left was exactly as you had stated. Our obligations as parents is to not allow our children to live in an environment like this. I started noticing that the five year old would become really sad when my STBX was abusive to me. It's devistating to see a five year old play "mom" and try to make things better.

What finally got me out of the relationship is coming to the realization that I would not want my daughters to marry a person such as this yet if I were to stay, it would teach them that this behavior is acceptable.

Long story short, please look around at your situation and do what is best for your daughter, not for you.

Thanks,
Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 2:20pm
Jen, absolutley - i cannot let her think it is ok to be treated that way. Your strength & story will help me do this ... i would like to keep in touch w/ you if thats ok. What did you say to your 5 yr old? I am so afraid mine will take is SO badly. Is yur dd close to yur STBX? My email is NwptRN@Yahoo.com Tahnks!

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