~*~*~*Welcome to our Newcomers*~*~*~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
~*~*~*Welcome to our Newcomers*~*~*~
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 1:50pm

Since we have so many newcomers on this board, here are some links so you can find your way around a little easier. Please be sure to look in the upper right hand corner of the board, and follow the links. (For this post, I am going to include direct links, but please note those links for future reference.) Our homepage has links and phone numbers for shelters worldwide, along with many other valuable resources. You will also find Safety Plans, Legal Information (and links), important information, and more. By reading everything there, you will find answers to many questions you are thinking about right now. You will gain a better understanding of the dynamics of abuse, and how an abuser's mind works. You will also find the resources and guides to help you make decisions. Under the page titled "Important Links" you will find a number of websites that have even more information, resources, and guides to help you.

Link to the board homepage (Link says) "Our board website": http://pages.ivillage.com/cl-mizlizzy/recognizinganddealingwithdomesticabuse/

iVillage Domestic Abuse Resource Center (Articles, Guides, and More): http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/features/doms_abuse/articles/0,9632,187050_37725,00.html

Tips for Safety Online: http://www.abanet.org/domviol/internet.html

More Online Safety Tips plus Safety Online while in iVillage: http://pages.ivillage.com/cl-mizlizzy/recognizinganddealingwithdomesticabuse/id14.html

If you will also read all the posts and responses, here, and in the archives that you can, you will find so many stories, with the experiences, that can help you also. You can find the link to the past archived boards by looking at the top of the board. You will see "Archives for this board". http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting/?ctx=4194304

Please also post as much as you want/need to, and know we all care and understand.

*****More Important Notes*****

Please, do not "inform" your husband/boyfriend about what you are learning, and about the support you are receiving. Most abusers, when confronted, will shift, deny, minimize, twist, and more. They are also likely to isolate you further from help and support. This is your "safe haven", where you can vent, ask questions, and receive help and support, without interference.

Please don't let your abuser know about any plans or decisions you make. This is very important for your safety, and so you can protect your best interests. Issuing an abuser an ultimatum is dangerous, and it could make things more difficult for you.

With information, support, and counseling, you can learn, make decisions, and understand this complex, painful issue. If you seek counseling, please make sure it is individual. If your partner says they want to try counseling, that is great, but again, only individual counseling, at least at first.

Joint counseling is not recommended for any couple when abuse is an issue, for many reasons. An abuser commonly uses this to their advantage, and it can do more harm than good. It's also critical that you seek a professional, who specializes in domestic abuse. You can find more information about counseling on this page of the homepage. http://pages.ivillage.com/cl-mizlizzy/recognizinganddealingwithdomesticabuse/id16.html

A few more important points to note:

I'm sorry for the length in this, but wanted to be sure to address several things for our newcomers, and was hoping this would be more easy to read, than within a response.

Our goal here is to listen, share our experiences, offer help with resources, information, and more, so you can make decisions for what is best for you in your personal situation.

We all have common experiences, and some that may or may not apply in your personal situation. Regardless of the form or degree of abuse, it all is equally important. Please don't think "my situation isn't so bad, because____ has it much worse". Each person is equally important here. All forms of abuse do tremendous damage, and the mental scars left by all the forms and degrees of abuse are deep, taking a long time to heal.

With information, support, and help, you can make decisions, you can heal, you will grow, and you will be able to move forward with your life, stronger than ever.

You will not hear us telling you that you "must get out now!", and you will not be pressured by us to make decisions. Only you can make those decisions, and we respect that. We also understand that it takes time.

Breaking free also doesn't always mean YOU have to leave. You have legal rights and options, which is another reason we stress finding out just what the laws are, consulting an attorney, and educating yourself. Several of us, myself included, had the abuser removed, so the kids and ourselves didn't have to *flee*.

Link to the page of the homepage that deals with Orders of Protection/Restraining Orders: http://pages.ivillage.com/cl-mizlizzy/recognizinganddealingwithdomesticabuse/id12.html

Realizing your relationship is abusive is painful, frightening, and overwhelming. Seeking help is a huge step, and we are so glad you are reaching for that. Each person has their own timeframe for taking action, if that is what they choose, and we respect that too. If you are not prepared, emotionally, legally, with detailed safety plans and support, you are likely to return to your abuser, and things will be much more intense. If your life is in danger, we do stress seeking immediate help.

I just wanted to clarify this point, along with our purpose with this board. Sometimes we have some who are offering feedback, and we appreciate that, but it may not be the consensus or purpose here, and I don't want you to feel intimidated or feel pressured to make decisions when you aren't prepared. With time, information, resources, and help, you may reach that point. We do care, and we do understand just what you're dealing with.


Be thankful I’m not a twin.

CL-Blueliner4