Lurking...Feel I should share my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Lurking...Feel I should share my story
2
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 11:51pm

I was just lurking here after a discussion on another board brought back memories of the past, things I would rather push away and not think about.

But maybe my story can help some of you. It's a long one.

When I was a junior in college, I met a baseball coach (he had actually been a pro player but was injured and was a coach instead). He was 10 years older, a good-looking guy, outgoing, and very popular with the ladies. He pursued me heavily, and within a few months, we eloped. As soon as the vows were said, his attitude changed. He suddenly "owned" me. I didn't want to believe it, and so I was in a bit of shock and denial at his behavior. He became verbally abusive and more and more controlling. Eventually, he didn't want me to talk on the phone at all (not even to contact my family). My life was solely about meeting his needs and looking pretty and going on the road with the team (usually hanging out with the other wives and girlfriends while the guys partied) and sitting at home while he partied with his buddies during the off-season. He started having affairs about two months in, and became more and more brazen about it. Now, all this was gradual. It snuck up on me. The verbal abuse, it was just an angry outburst here and there. Then it became more of the norm. As much as I cried, as much as I told him I would not put up with it, he would just go right back into those patterns of behavior. Then he started making comments about "I should just slap you," or "I could put my hands around your neck and it would all be over in two minutes." I left, got my own place the next time the team traveled. When he came back, he left me alone for a couple of weeks, then came over and said he wanted to move his stuff in. I was an idiot. I was trying to hide this situation from my family (I was so humiliated, and no one in my family had domestic violence or divorce in their background. I came from a very conservative, suburban family. And the fact that my parents had begged me not to marry him made it even worse, because I would be admitting what a mistake I had made.)

The physical abuse began with a push (when he got in my face and I wouldn't back down). Then grabbing my arms and leaving bruises from the pressure of his fingers. Then kicking me in the legs. Then hitting me on top of the head. Then throwing me against a wall. Once he hit me in the face, right on the brow bone, and it took a couple of days for the swelling to go down. I became good at lying to everyone. I never called the polce because I didn't want it in the police blotter and in the news as a result. I contemplated suicide a few times. I couldn't believe what a mess I had gotten into. How could this be happening?

Finally, one night one of his girlfriends came to the house, and he yelled that it was none of my business when I went outside to see what was going on (I heard her out there yelling and crying). I threw his precious things out the two-story window, and he ran inside, up the stairs, and began hitting me. I remember running down the stairs and him cornering me in the kitchen. He threw a jar of pickles at my head, and the next thing I remember, the exterminator was kneeling on the floor beside me asking me what happened. I was huddled in the kitchen floor in a state of shock, and it was the next morning, and he was gone.

I called the state police, and after my bruises healed, went home to my family. They accepted me with open arms. I went to church, and my minister was loving and supportive and helped me realize the strength I have inside.

Today, I have a career and a family. My marriage has its own set of problems, but nothing like what I went through before (now I mainly have emotional intimacy issues with my husband). We have a daughter, and I have reclaimed my life.

Please, do not live in an abusive relationship for one minute. LEAVE. IF the abuser gets help and AFTER the deep emotional, mental and spiritual changes are made, then you can consider a life with this person. Don't think that there is any excuse. If you have children, it's even worse because what they see becomes their reality. They should not see abuse as any kind of a normal life. They need to know that it is anot acceptable, and the only way you can show them this and protect them is to LEAVE or kick the abuser out. No amount of financial security or social position or anything an abuser can offer you can ever measure up to the worth of your well-being and that of your children. There is no price that is too big to pay to ensure that you are able to begin to heal physically and mentally. And make no mistake, verbal and emotional abuse (name calling, rages, guilt manipulation) is just as hurtful as physical abuse. Probably more so, because bruises heal, but it takes a lot more work to mend your self-esteem and your spirit afterward.

You CAN overcome. You CAN have a normal, happy life. It just takes courage. You'll be amazed at how strong you can be.

Blessings to all of you.

Edited 12/21/2004 11:55 pm ET ET by newsgal524




Edited 12/21/2004 11:55 pm ET ET by newsgal524
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 2:06am

Hi Newsgal,
I can relate to your story in alot of ways. Particularly in that my husband limits my contact with the outside world. He has never hit me, but he is extremely controlling. I have just recently begun to try to rebuild my relationship with my parents, who i am absolutely forbidden to be in contact with mainly because they suspected abuse early in our relationship and were very active about trying to get me and my daughter out of here. Well, that was about a decade ago, and i've felt so many times that i was so wrong, but i feel trapped at the same time. For one, my parents would be my main support system, and i was cut off from them. Of course i know now, i allowed myself to be, i should have spoken up, but i was a naive teenager and i really believed he was a great person. I thought abuse only meant hitting, police being called etc.I didn't realize that his refusal to support me while i was pregnant was abusive. I blamed myself for being pregnant and felt it was all my responsibility. I took on his daughter from a previous marriage too, and felt that was all my responsibility too. It has been very difficult with her. She was raised to disrespect me, and he and she are now teaching my daughter the same, which really hurts in a major way. He is extremely financially controlling. He would get mad at me for going to the doctor when i was pregnant, even though my mom paid for it, until i got state assistance because we weren't married then. I have always worked, and i've come a long way careerwise. I'm in school (paid for entirely with scholarships, i could never go otherwise.)I've held positions where i've supervised people who were much more advanced than i, and i'm proud of that. Work is the one place i've always felt successful.Yet, he still belittles me, and constantly questions where i got money for every little purchase. Yesterday it was plastic baggies, today it was a container of yogurt. He actually gets mad about this so called wild and irresponsible spending. But he makes huge and major purchases himself, has everything he wants, and the kids do too, esp. the oldest one. He will not carry me on his insurance although i have a thyroid problem that costs me more than it would if he'd provide insurance which his work pays half of before taxes. He also will not help me by loaning me money if i need to go to the doctor for it or need to buy my meds no matter how sick i may be. And i do mean i would pay him back on my payday, too. I've had a hard time controlling this problem with my health and i don't think i would if i could afford the appropriate care. He makes me feel that I'm selfish, and that I'm a problem for our family . I feel that I have given up alot to please him. He works overnight most of the week and, like most women I suppose, i've had the sole responsibility of raising the kids. He wants me to work and make lots of money, but i can only work while they're at school, I have to be here for them, he will no longer allow day care or paying a baby sitter, which, btw, I really shouldn't have to since the oldest is nearly 17, but she's more like a twelve year old with problems. She can't be left alone because she gets into trouble. I could go on about that, but I'm really venting to much anyway.I am thankful though that I have a friend that I worked with and knew as a teen (she's older and motherly to me and the kids)that has helped me alot by caring for them when i'm in school. She's a very good and supportive person, though I really don't talk a whole lot to her about how my husband treats me, except in relationship to the probs i have with him in raising my oldest child, because she has tried to be a role model for her, and tried to back me on a lot of things.

Thanks for posting your story because it is very encouraging for us going through the same thing. I really never thought anyone else had problems like me. I'm glad you're out of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 11:34am
Thank you for sharing your story! You are an absolute inpiration! R~