Met w/ the attorney today (m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Met w/ the attorney today (m)
7
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 9:18pm

& i feel pretty settled in what i need to do, i think. Unless of course anything changes in the meantime, like i feel in danger. Then of course, i will move fast & furiously.

1st off - to clarify b/c a few people asked - my idea of not doing the restraining order right off & giving him the chance to do this the sane, peaceful way - does not mean i am letting him off easy. I am trying to make this easier on myself & my dd, if possible at all, & yes, it may save his career in teh meantime - but after the meeting today, i think i will have to do one anyway. & also, when i said i would contact his brother about the "proof", i didnt mean anytime before i filed. It would be after i got the protective order & filed for divorce ... it would just have been b4 he was served - so his brother could be there with him - & keep him from trashing the house or soemthing.

Anyway - so here is what the atty said today:

1. When it is time to do this, i should absolutely file a restrianing order at the same time as i file for divorce. He said i would get an "ex parte" order, i would go to court & under oath, testify why i am in fear of him. They would issue it (I live in RI btw) & an order of protection would be granted absolutely, based on his past behavior & threats to me, & it would stay in effect until a hearing no more than 30 days later. He does NOT feel i can put our dd into the order b/c he cares for her & isnt a "danger" to her, but we may be able to assure only supervised visits w/ a neutral party, based on his making comments to her about me in the past. Also, & most importantly, he says we need to do it THIS way (file the order of protection) without his knowing it is coming, so he cant "take a pre-emptive strike" against me 1st - eg: filing a false report that *I* abused him, which would be a lie, which he has threatened to do).

2. Custody: I was so concerned about having to have joint custody. I was under the impression that "joint" meant i would have to give Averey up HALF the time. like 1 week w/ him, 1 week w/ me ... etc. He said "No way". He explained that "joint" meant we BOTH have EQUAL say in things like school, medical care, etc - which is FINE w/ me ... but it does NOT have anything to do w/ "placement of" or "access to" the child. He said she would absolutely have MY home as her primary residence ... w/ typical every other weekend & a nite or 2 a week, visitation at his home. PHEW! That makes me feel SO much better. Again, he said unless i could or would testify that he wasnt capable or caring for her, or wasnt safe to care for her - they wouldnt keep him from her. Which of course, i wouldnt want that to happen ... UNLESS he is drinking or saying thinsg about me.

3. 50/50 split of assets: ok, so i am NOT happy that *I* am the one who worked all these years, & kept us afloat financially while he worked when he decided it was convenient. Or that the onoy reason we have the beautiful home we do have was due to 20K my Grampa gave us towards our 1st home, which we sold for a large profit ... & now were able to buy the house we have now. We have appx 120K equity in it. He said technically i would have to buy out his 1/2 of the equity, 60K. But 1st all teh assets & liabilities would be set out & we would see how much he woudl get. Also, we woudl have to split the money in MY 401K, & God knows, he has nothing for ME to take. Basically, i woudl have to pay him to leave ... buy him out. Which in truth, although it will make me SO MAD ... it will be worth it. I would then own the home myself ... which will only increase more in value. Also, he said that based on "his conduct in the marriage & the inequity of the money he put into the marriage & assets" - that we may be able to offer less than the 50/50. eg: say i owe him 60K ... we may say that due to the above issues, we are offering you 40K. Take it or leave it. Knowing him having NOTHING to his name, he may see this money as a windfall, & he will be able to start over - & hopefully he will take it. But who knows when it comes down to it. Thankfully i have the inheritance from my mom - although buying him out would go thru all that - but then at least as i said, i would have the house all mine. I COULD swing the mortgage myself ... it woudl be tight - but at this point, there is NO way i am leaving my home. If i realize i cant stay down the road, i will deal with it then. But for now, my priority is to keep Averey's life as stable as possible. I love my home, i love this town & i love my job. He is not chasing ME away.

4. Life Insurance: Given that he has Hep C, he will NEVER get another life insurance policy if he lets this one lapse. I brought it up, asking if i coudl take it over, w/ Ave as benefciary, so that it stays current. He said that based on his history, that would be ordered so i could keep it current for Avereys sake. That is 200K, jic something happens to him & at age 40 w/ Hep C & beginning chirrosis, i want that policy CURRENT!

5. Lastly & most importantly, he thinks as long as I am not in any danger, which so far i dont feel like thats the case - i shoudl hold off filing. For 2 major reasons:

A, He is on the treatment for the Hep C. He is on a form of chemo & most people on this year long treatment cannot work. THAT is his excuse now, why he only works 15-20 hours a week. Of coruse, he always worked part time, or was on disability once, or was unemployed. & he wasnt on teh meds THEN! But either way, being that he is sick & on this treatment regimine, & "unable to support himself" ... while *I* have a good job, an inheritance, money in my own bank accoutn AND the ability to work - i would very likely have to PAY HIM ALIMONY! Can you stand it???? Anyway, he gets off the treatment mid Feb, so he would have no reason he COULDNT support himself ... &

B, if the fire dept position is iminent, & it looks like it is. We will knwo more on Jan 7th - he feels that if we divorce when his salary is 13K, as oppossed to 40 or 50K, "in the long term, a settlemtn could be much more in your favor, by waiting a bit to see how things pan out financially".

So, thats it, in a nutshell - in a LARGE nutshell! lol The atty was thrilled w/ all my docummentation over the years, the audio tape & some incriminating pictures of stuff he broke or threw in a tirade or 2 over the years. Plus some emials way back that ? his fidelity. He basically assurred me that i wouldnt ever lose custody of Averey or the right to stay in residence in the home - & that based on all the proof & his history, it will be a better than 50/50 settlement, most likely. & better yet, he is the top RI attorney, & COSTS that! lol His hourly rate is $300 an hour, & he is charging me only 1/2 that an hour b/c the atty who refferred me is a good freind of his. He said "You are a hardworking young woman & i hate to see you blow all yoru hard earned money on this". How nice is that?

& to be honest, i feel sort of FREE right now! As if there is such a lite at the end of the tunnel. I can be patient as long as its safe, or no worse than its been (& of course, he is on his BEST behavior these days b/c he knows something isnt right, i am very aloof -he even changed the FISH WATER today, 1st time in 6 years! ....) so as long as nothing gets worse, i will wait - & then strike while the iron is hot. I am assuming the tiem frame may be 6-8 weeks. & if the fire dept job isnt iminent by that point, i am OUT OF THERE.

Thank you so much for all your advice & support & for reading all this! R~
ps- all the evidence is either with my atty or locked in my locker at work. So he cant find anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 9:35pm
Just one note about joint custody. Avoid it if you can. Often times abusers can't control you anymore directly so they try to do it through the kids. You must agree on big issues,and a lot of abusers are just disagreeable on purpose and then you get hauled into court again and again to do mediation or whatever-it's potentially a neverending process as long as your child is a minor. Lots of abusers do just that, because they won't let go, they abuse you through the court system. After the divorce is over and done with, he could potentially keep you in court for years on end through joint custody. At the domestic violence agency I go to, they always recommend sole custody in cases like this. I myself have sole custody.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:18pm

He feels i couldnt get sole custody at this point, b/c she is left in his care for long periods of time - when i work - so obviously there isnt an issue w/ his being unfit to parent. There has never been any abuse to her, or neglect at all, directly. & there hasnt ever been any alcohol involved at all when he was caring for her (excpet for 1 time, & he wasnt very drunk, just the fact he drank AT ALL b4 coming home to releive the sitter was enough for me to freak out) - of course, the emotional abuse that gets to her thru how he treats me, & what he says around her - that IS abusive. But i doubt it would work, & truthfully, & i may be naive, but i almost feel its unfair for me to have sole custody, imho, when he has taken care of her, as well (of course, again, except for the abuse to me - & its a BIG except, i know that) as i haev & as often (i haev her days, he has bher eves/nites when i work). He is a very dedicated, loving, involved, responsible father when he is with her ... Sh*t, it seems crazy to be saying that w/ how he has been using her in this whole issue.

I will certainly take your advice into consideration & see what can be done. R~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 12:49am
I have sole custody, but the agreement is written that he can have the entire weekend, every weekend, plus 1 weekday for whatever hours he chooses, so that's almost half the time. You can work out whatever visitation you want with either form of custody. At the domestic violence agency I go to, they tell you in cases of divorce get as much as you can up front in a divorce. Don't count on getting anything later. I got all the equity in the house, plus I get to claim all the kids every year, plus health insurance for them. What I told my ex was that if he agreed to give me the equity plus the tax deductions plus the sole custody plus the health insurance I would go along with writing on the divorce papers that his income was very low, I think we wrote 5K a year so his child support would be extremely low. Of course I could always go into court and ask for an adjustment of income, but I'm very happy with the deal I got. My mortgage is very low, and by not having to carry health insurance I can work for higher wage. You know what is important to him, if you offer him something to his benefit, maybe he would. It's a tough situation. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 10:12am
IS your state considered a 50/50 state? I doubt i could EVER talk him into letting me have the equity in the house ... but i will work on seeing what IS most important to him. I would be happy to let him pay a minimal, even NO child support, for the equity in the house. Of course, that depends on what type of child support there would be ordered. I will run this all by the atty when the time comes. R~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 1:23pm
I really don't know. I live in IL. I got one of those cheap divorces, they drew up the papers and filled in the blanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 1:24am
I just discovered this website and message board and have been reading your posts. I am an RN also and have finally admitted that my husband has been verbally and emotionally abusing me for the past 10 years (married 14 years). Your situation almost exactly mirrors mine. He can be very supportive and sweet, and within minutes fly into a rage over the smallest thing. He calls me names "c---", B---h", ect.... He accuses me of having an affair (not happening now, never did), tells me I'm fat, ect. I wanted to e-mail you directly but wasn't sure if your e-mail is secure from your husband and didn't want to put you in danger. After reading your posts I've come to the conclusion that I am not crazy, or over-reacting. Thank You for sharing your story.....
Apk
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 1:00pm

Hi Apk! Welcome & KNOW you arent alone OR crazy, AT ALL. I am glad my story can help you. Please, emeail me anytime. My email is totally secure - NwptRN@yahoo. com

Hugs to you & again, dont hesitate to E me ANYtime. I am here to listen, or commiserate! What kind of nursing do you do? Any kiddos? Hugs, R~