been a while

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
been a while
2
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 7:59am

i am working my way out of it. it is so difficult. he has done everything so far on the list of how to tell he's not changing. right now he's playing big time of how he's the victim. he is playing on sympothy from anyone who will listen. he has put himself on a pedistool these last few months convincing everyone of how he's changed so much and i am not being opened minded. i am not seeing the changes. there are no changes - he's an excellent talker i am seeing through it. he has made me an offer according to him that anyone would jump at the chance for. any lawyer would see how wonderful he is being, i am the one being unreasonalbe. he will so graciously move into a small 1 bedroom room - making it very clear to me he would be so deeply strapped financially - so i can live in the house with the boys and he would give all this money. the catch is he would still be able to come back at any time to see the boys. i made it very clear that NO you will not be coming to the house anytime you feel like it, all the locks will be changed and you WILL have sceduled visits IF this is what you want. again he explained how unreasonable i am being, oh yeah i would agree on paper that he had joint custody. i explained to him that you put this all on paper i will have a lawyer look it over and details will be put in there. again he is trying to convince me to keep lawyers out of it. he kept trying to keep the conversation going. this is what he does. he insists on talking, this last time i explained ok i want of the seperation ONLY. he kept going into the ole feel sorry for me routine i cut him off and said this is not what you said you were going to talk about. he kept putting the conversaton back to feel sorry for him i said this conversation is over, i told you exactly what to do, YOU choose if you are going to write up what you explained with my counter offer and i will have a lawyer look at it. this conversation lasted pretty much all day yesterday. you see if i talk a little the conversaton nevr ends. he has his "version" of things wich is made up lies. whatever i say if he doesnt like it he creates his own version to make him look like the perfect one andhow unreasonable i am being. i dont have it in me to try and convince anyone that is not what was said. i tried that, it drains me. after all he's such a nice guy and he loves me soo much he has done all of this for me, this is all he ever wanted and i have destroyed it.

Avatar for ples62
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ikaratekid
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 8:22am

ikarate!

Sometimes it "scares" me that I pop in here right after you have been here. Listen my friend, you are describing the "perfect" abuser - yes he has the ability to keep looking like a rose without thorns. YOU do not have to justify or explain anything to anyone. You don't have to convince anyone else that he is a rotten apple. YOU KNOW HE IS! And that is all that matters. It is very difficult to let go of that 'need' to explain to others that YOU aren't the bad guy - HE IS - but the truth comes out eventually.

AND - isn't HE the one who hired a lawyer first? If I remember correctly - he had seeked the advice before you had gone that route. Stick to your guns - you are doing things correctly. If you have ANY concerns about anything he may be trying to get you to agree to, talk to your sister. You don't have to convince her, she doesn't have to see or understand what is going on, she should only look at what his offer is and if you are protected. If she can't help, then seek out the advice of a local dv office. They will help you to look over any paperwork.

Hang in there, it is always the most difficult just before the dawn. Perhaps that is where you are now. Take it in small steps and you will continue to move forward.

Remember - I'm here for you anytime you need to vent!

Hugs,
Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: ikaratekid
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 12:08am

Karate, Nerfy still plays the victim, 2+ years on.

CL-Blueliner4