I have just realized the abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
I have just realized the abuse
7
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 6:08pm

Hi everyone,

Well it has taken about 5 years but i just realized that I think I am getting verbally abused, and I have been physically abused, but I thought it was okay because it was just pushing/shoving, but so hard it caused pain. The only question I have though is, when is it okay abuse and when is it time to get out. It has gone from punching holes in the wall to shoving me to the ground, and calling me names such as retard, physko, fat bitch, dumb bitch (sorry for the swearing), but it's only when we are fighting , about once a month =(
Here is a example story, it happened this past xmas, it was in the morning and i wanted to start opening presents(he knew this the night before)..normal right? So i simple asked him if he could get up, it was about 9am..he just said yup and ignored me, so i waited, fianlly at 11am i got mad and asked if he could get out of bed..well he flipped..told me to quit being a little brat, physko, demanding, and he got up fianlly, opened his present, than yelled at me.."well arent you gonna open yours", so i did, said thankyou and than he said, now go to your dads and get out of my face...than we met up at my dads later on. He said nothing to me, and acted as if nothing happened...we never really talked about it, all i said to him was that he hurt me..he just said sorry, but i know it will happen again.
Sorry this was so long, I just wanted to give a example, is this bad or is this normal in a relationship. I guess the real question here is when is it time to leave him....
thank you all.




Edited 12/29/2004 6:26 pm ET ET by iv_skorpio
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 10:10pm
It's bad and it's not normal. I used to think that because it only happened every so often that I could deal with it. But it's like there is no foundation to the relationship, no stablity, how caring is a person when they just periodically do this to their loved one? But the real answer is you'll go when it's harder to stay than it is to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 12:44am

Hi Skorpio, welcome -


No physical abuse, under any circumstances, is acceptable.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 3:05pm

thank you so much for replying, just by reading what i have read so far i know i am being abused, but the only thing that still runs through my head is, will he do it again, maybe he was just going through a rough time.

But the scary thing is, I have told him to go to counselling, he went twice, than said i was the one that needed help..so I am going to go . His dad was the same, he would really abuse his mom, threaten to kill her and beat her, even abused the boys. My husband says he will never be like him but he is turning out like him. We have talked about millions of times and frankly i dont think he is going to change, and I really dont want to bring any kids into it, i already feel sorry for our pets =(

He has yelled at people before too mostly friends , and he always is showing aggression, I remeber one time my best friend talked to me about it if he was abusing mee, I got all mad and defensive, but its things like that, when I think back..yeah I was covering him up, all the time...and it pisses me off I never woke up untill now. I feel so stupid. I have lost many friends because he was always telling me how stupid they are, and he was rude to them often. The only person he is nice to is my dad, they get along great, i think that is why its harder for me to tell my family because my husband put on such a good show, and my dad is so old-fashioned he would be like oh just stay married, go to counselling, work it out. Well to be honest I am sick of working it out, he will never change, its in his blood to be a ass.....

I am so glad I found this board, if it was not for yous my eyes would still be closed, but any more advice is always welcome

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 12:17pm
I have the book and I SWEAR BY IT. It's like getting a new pair of glasses. It's clarity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 10:46pm
NOT normal, yes its bad, yes its abuse, yes he is a complete *ss. Sometiems i just have to think "WHERE do they get off acting like this towards another human being, never MIND one they are suppossed to LOVE!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 11:49pm
thank you all so much, really you are all very helpful.
I am just starting to open my eyes more and more everyday, its great, I told my sister today, she told me to get the heck out, she will be behind me 100% which is nice, so with the support of her and you guys, i think im gonna be alright
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 9:26am
You ARE gonna be alright! & once you start to tell people, its easier to see & beleive, & its easier to make the right decisions. Hugs, R