Opinions, please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Opinions, please
7
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 7:24pm
I have been asking advice here for awhile about my husbands who rund his mouth and calls me names and puts me down. He has been gone for 4 months and due back in 1 week. God, help me! I have had enough and want to get out. But my question is, do you tell them where you get all your advice from? He says that i having talking and acting different and wants to know who I have been talking to. the fact,is that I have been growing stronger since he left and he does not like it and doesnt like the independance that i found. He now says that i am self righteous and selfish for wanting to do this. Just a question, i dont think that i will tell him, this is my only sanctuary, just wanted to know what you all thought. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 8:09pm

Hi hon -


I wouldn't tell him a dang thing.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 8:32pm
Hey, I dont plan on it, he would be first class jerk about it. Thanks for everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 10:22pm
No, a controlling abusive relationship is more like war than a relationship. Give as little information to the enemy as possible. All information will be turned into a weapon to be used against you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:31pm
Hi NOH,
I read your post today and wish I had taken the advice of what the other girls had said my H did the exact same thing kept asking me who was telling me all this stuff (stuff meaning me sticking up for myself!) because in their sick and twisted minds they believe that we couldn't possibly not want to be with them so we must be getting these ideas from somewhere else, they control or at least think that they control us so therefore if its not an opinion of theirs then it must be someone else's. They think that they are so great or least my H does! I made the mistake of telling him that I was posting on a internet site for DV and he was fine at first (don't worry my H hates computers so he wouldn't even know where to start to try and find me on here! plus I have covered my tracks)
then he started to bring it up, what are you doing now are you gonna go tell lies about me to your little friends on the internet, you are hearing all of their stories of way worse things that what i do and blaming me blah blah etc etc
He is so insecure its not funny, I am unfront and honest with him all the time to the point of telling him all and I mean all of my thoughts and it does me no good because no matter how much I tell him even if it not what he wants to hear he still accuses me of hiding things from him and that I am a liar etc. I bought a new diary for this year and he saw it so now I don't even want to write in it because I know he will read it. Over the last few months he has gone through my things a few times, he found a letter that I hide inside my bedside table and yes I was hiding it (you had to pull out the draw to find it) and it was just a letter saying all the same things I had said to his face nothing new to him and he went bolistic, he ripped it up into pieces and threw it at me. I don't write what I truly want to say unless its here where he can't see it. Sorry for the ramble I so angry and have all of these feelings pouring out me!
M
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:41am

Yeah, my B/F used to pull that crap with me, asking me why if being around a bunch of feminist all day at work was turning me against him. Then he would have the nerve to look through my personal journal, that I kept out of site most of the time, but one time I left it on the dresser. He has gone through my emails, not sure hw he figured out the passwords, and would log into my yahoo im and started going though the anmes and stuff. That was one of the times he accused me of having cyber affairs (which I never did) and real life affairs with some guy friends from school. Never did either one, I am not big on the whole cheating thing, but sometime I have an active imagination and would write about fantasies in my journal. He thought they were real, even if I had said right inthere it was a dream. OR I wish. We had a big fight on personal property and that he was invading my space, and he of course blamshifted and told me if I would talk to him about things and stop sneaking around that he would nto have to search through my things.

So jsut to get him back I went on to his computer on day and pulled up his email names and logged into all of them, he is dumd he uses the smae password on everything, and left them all open. So that when he came home and took the computer off screen saver he saw all of his stuff open. He was livid. And I said well I guess if you ahve nothing to hide then you should nto be mad either right? He stopped talking to me but continued to try to snoop into my things to I changed all of my passords and set my computer to erase the history when I log off the internet, and to erase the cookies too. He can't find anything now. IT frustrates him and he will walk up behind me if I am in the kitchen to look over my shoulder to see if I am writing to someone about him. I usually just close out everything when I hear him walking out here, and he gets all mad and is like what I just heard you typing, don't want me to see your internet boyfriend!
I just laugh and say nope.... Sometimes I think I just get a kick out of making him mad. Because I am to a point that his names and crap don't hurt me anymore I know he is just a little 6 year old in the inside and has to act like the big man of the house to feel special, so now I just chide him, and blow him off with snide comments. What is even funnier is when he is in he nice phase he actually asks what is wrong, and if I am mad at him. Wow! How can one person live in such a fantasy world?
Sweetie goodluck to you if you have the courage to leave him. I think I am having to much fun at this point playing with my narcissist to leave just yet, along with the fact that I have only 1 more semester after this one and I will be a certified massage therapist and I will be fully able to support myself and my kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:02am
No!!! Do NOT tell him where you are getting your help from. He will find a way to talk to them and lie and twist everything around so it looks like it's your fault (which it is NOT!!!); and then he will make things up about how these people are telling him that it's not his fault, that it's "normal for couples to argue", and a bunch of other sh** that is totally untrue. He will try to make you not trust these people anymore and manipulate you into not talking to them anymore. You don't have to tell him, and if they are licensed - they are legally required to give him no information at all without your permission which you obviously should not give them. If this pushes him over the edge (which it could possibly do, it's hard to control you if he doesn't know who is helping you and how to mess that up), you can always leave. There is always a place for you to go and be safe. If you need validation that this is actually abuse - check out abigails.org - they are a christian organization, but they have a very good non-religiously-oriented checklist for how to tell if you are being abused. They even have instructions on the site for how to delete the history files and temporary files on your computer in case he checks. My (soon-to-be-ex)husband started out with name calling too, you can read my post called "abuser attempted suicide - help!" to see how that turned out (this is all within a one year time period). Not that your H will do the same, but it's best to realize that you never really know how far it's going to go until it gets there or he gets help. Good luck, and remember that you are strong enough and can handle anything that happens!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 9:32am
Hi guys, thanks for all the replies. i am not going to tell him because he thinks that women who can make it on their own and have independance are "men haters" and self righteous and selfish. Thats what I get called everyday these last few weeks. He says that I have changed since he has been gone and its true and that I now think that I am too good for him and blah, blah, blah, the list goes on and on. Whatever, I am SO tired of hearing that I could just puke. It is a neverending tale of sadness!