Should I be Scared??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Should I be Scared??
15
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 9:14pm

I am pretty sure I'm in a pretty emotionally abusive relationship although at times I feel like I am going crazy. It is just that he is manipulative and makes me feel like I am the abusive one.

He has said some kind of crazy things that I feel are pretty alarming but he passes them off to be a joke or completely normal. I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced the same thing and if I should be alarmed.

On 2 occasions he has out of the blue started rambling off hypothetical situations about killing me... once we were on the lake in his boat and he started saying 'You know that I could just kill you now and sink your body and noone would ever know.. '
Another time he kept asking me to go back on his boat with him because he knew that had freaked me out and started saying things like 'We could go out on my boat and I could take the concrete blocks, rope and tie you up, put you in garbage bags, sink you to the bottom, etc.' He said he got these ideas from a movie...

He has also said things to try to scare me - ie, that people were waiting outside my house to kidnap me, et

Then he has said things about hurting my dog as well... hypothetical stuff like.. 'Wouldn't you be scared if I put tape around 'your dog's' mouth and tied him up and put him at the end of your bed while you're sleeping?'

In addition, he has done numerous things to try to control me... such as holding me down when I try to leave his house.. or hiding my shoes when I try to leave, etc. Also light slapping, then laughing, pushing..

He works at the apartment complex where I live so it has been difficult for me to avoid him when I have tried to break things off with him. He is also VERY persistent when I break things off - phone calls and showing up at my door. I am attracted to him so it is hard for me to stay away even when I know it is wrong. I have also told my family about him who have told me to stay away from him... so now when I see him I am forced to lie when they ask if I have talked to him.

To top things off - I was recently diagnosed with herpes which I am positive came from him, as I was married for 5 years prior to him and my ex does not have it. I also think he may have known he had it. My self esteem is so low from the herpes that I keep thinking I should just stay with this guy because he knows I have it. Although he also uses this against me by saying that 'he accepts me with this disease and no other man will', etc.

I don't know what is wrong with me at this point that I still continue to talk to him. Sometimes I feel like I am brainwashed or something.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can be strong enough to get out of this ?

Am I in danger when I do get out? Are the kinds of things he has said and done indicative of someone who will try to seriously harm me?

Thanks!!!

L

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:44pm
Scott Peterson did exactly what your boyfriend is threatening to do. They will always find something to put you down about, they want to keep you weak and depressed and demoralized so that you don't ever leave them
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:54pm

He actually did say once 'I could make you just like Lacy Peterson.' When I expressed how crazy that was for him to say that - he just said 'oh that's normal, baby, everyone talks like that. that kind of stuff is all over the t.v.'

I know that he is trying to intimidate me and then when I call him out on it he acts like I am crazy. His behavior will be so bad in so many ways, I will get tired of it and break things off - then he will persistently call acting like I never broke up with him - acting like he doesn't remember. The persistency and the fact that he acts like nothing bad happened makes it harder to stay away from him.

I know that he tries to keep me down... then when I get upset he acts like I am just being silly and that he didn't do anything wrong.

I'm an intelligent person. I don't know how to explain how I'm still in this situation!

Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 12:24am

Hi La Fleur, welcome -


Yes, you should be scared.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:12pm

There are at least 10 things on the ‘Lethal Abuser’ checklist that apply to him and several more that I am just not sure about or if-y.
Is any time that he mentions hurting me or my dog considered a ‘threat’ even if he laughs or plays it off as no big deal? I would think so but am not sure.
For about a week now I have been going along with things… answering his phone calls, letting him come by my place, etc. I have not gotten in the car with him or been to his house though because I don’t have control there. It is mainly when I am over there that he holds me down saying ‘Aren’t you glad that I keep you here. If I didn’t you would leave and that is not what you want.’
Since the beginning of this relationship things were not right. I have never trusted him and he knows that. I have tried to end things repeatedly only to give in to him when he comes back. Part of this I know has to do with my self esteem being low, my vulnerability after my divorce but also he stays away just long enough for me to have forgotten to some degree how crazy he is and how badly he treats me. So the cycle continues… I start seeing him again… he is charming for awhile… then the criticism, the ‘threats’, the controlling behavior, the pouting, the misogynistic behavior, sexual abuse… etc. starts again. When I call him out on what he is doing- he makes me think I am crazy… ‘oh no, I never said that’ ‘you didn’t see me do that’ ‘I don’t treat you that way’ ‘you are too sensitive’ ‘it is all in your head’ – tapping me on the forehead with his finger saying ‘what’s going on in that head of yours, are you thinking crazy thoughts again?’
I have not told the apartment complex for fear of what he would do as he has mentioned on numerous occasions that he is afraid I will tell them if something happens between us. I do not know what he will do… come into my apartment or what. I have also tried to break my lease but it is outrageously expensive. And of course my worst fear is that I tell the apartment, get out of my lease, leave and this crazy guy finds me.
I have told my parents some of what he has done (the ‘threats’), but not everything… so they think it will be o.k. for me to wait this thing out until my lease is up in a few months rather than paying all of that extra money to get out of it. That is part of the reason I have been biding my time with him. I keep thinking when I move it will be easier to get away from him permanently.
So should I tell him AGAIN that I am breaking things off and monitor his reaction to determine what I do next OR tell him, tell the apartment, tell my parents and move?
OR slowly distance myself from him until I can move out?
A shelter would work but I feel like if there are other options I should take them… as I have my job (which he knows where I work), my dog and graduate school (starting next week).
I guess I could take off work a couple of days, go to my parents home (5 hrs away), tell them Everything that has happened, leave my dog with them and go from there.
This is going to be hard to tell my parents I have lied (I’m 27 and grown up but an only child, they are going to be crushed).
When I have broken things off in the past he has acted so many different ways it is hard to determine how this will go - He has gotten frantic and held me down… then suddenly shifted to not wanting me to be there at all and telling me to ‘Just leave’ if I don’t care about him. Sulking, throwing temper tantrums, then calling the next day acting like it Never happened. He has called and driven by persistently. He has also gone for a about a week a few tims (once 2) without calling at all then just shown back up like nothing ever happened.
What should I do?? I know I am probably analyzing this too much, but if I do just break things off and stay in my apartment I feel like a prisoner in my own home like he is always watching me and always around. This is why I wonder if I shouldn’t just go along with things until my lease is up.
I know I am not safe there - but is moving out immediately the only option?
Can i get an RO even though I have continued to go back to him?
In what order should I do these things - tell the apartment, get the RO, move out??

Thanks for your help!!

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:31pm

Hi la fleur,
I've read messages here but haven't posted on this particular board yet, but I feel compelled to respond to your message. I am married to an emotional abuser, but haven't left yet. Made plans, steps toward, but nothing concrete. I just wanted to caution you, regardless of which direction you choose. When I called a domestic abuse hotline for advice and support, I was encouraged to NEVER tell my abuser any of my plans in advance of what I'm going to do. Others who are more educated, knowledgable on this - please weigh in. But like I said, I know you've mentioned a few times you've either informed him of what your plans are, or you are thinking of informing him. Please be very cautious about this. Just as the previous email to you notes, you should be working on an exit strategy - - but don't tell him what you are planning. That was my mistake w/my husband, and it began to unravel the situation in the direction of blowing up in my face.

My prayers are w you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:36pm

I'm 30, also an only, and was scared to tell my parents what had happened (or at least my dad) because I was afraid that it was all my fault.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:05pm

Last night my plan was to get out of my house before my bf had time to ‘stop by’ which he usually does on the days he has to work late at the apartments. So as I was leaving I turned around to lock my door and when I turned back around he was behind me. Scared me to death! He kept saying open the door let’s go in. I said no. The first thing he said was ‘Why – you don’t want to see me anymore again?’ I said no. He asked what he did this time and I said you know that I have been thinking about this and we shouldn’t see each other anymore. So he just said ‘Oh ok. I want bother you anymore’ and walked off so I got in my car and left. He emailed when he got home saying that I had no feelings or heart, saying that it was weird that I broke things off again.’

The thing is it is not weird. He is used to it now so he does not take me seriously. How he acts like nothing is ever wrong blows my mind. Just the other day I told him I couldn’t take his behavior anymore and it is just like he totally forgets everything I say. Then he will say ‘just forget about it and move on baby’ or ‘you remember too much – that is the problem.’ One of the comments about my dog was Just made the other day – that he wanted to put him in the microwave and see what happened (for jumping on him). Of course I freaked out grabbed my dog and told him he was not right in the head. I told him he freaked me out and asked him if he had ever hurt animals. He said only hunting when he was younger. A lie I am sure. Just the day before this he knew I was not feeling well and he proceeded to take my dog’s leash and try to tie my ankles together. I pulled back one of my legs and he just grabbed one, tied the leash around it and proceeded to pull my leg with it. I told him it hurt – to stop – which he did not do right away. That really freaked me out because of all the stuff he had said about tying me up and dropping me in the lake. And the other stuff about tying me to the bed and leaving me there for days. I am in such disbelief when he says these things I don’t think he could be serious so that is how he gets away with them. The same day he kept complaining about a headache, which I ignored. The next thing I know he is sulking and mad because I never offered him something to take for it. I mean he is really mad – always testing me. The sulking and guilt tripping continued to go on until I blew up at him and told him I was tired of his manipulative behavior. Well he finally left but I guess my point is – he pretends like NOTHING happened! Like this stuff is normal in relationships… makes me feel crazy and says thing like ‘well I am happy - I don’t understand why you are not’ or ‘good luck finding someone better because you won’t.'

He has not called – only emailed – but the pattern is usually that he will lay off for a few days then walk up while I am outside my apartment for some reason (taking the dog out, getting the mail, etc.). By that time I will have started to forget about some of this and he will charm me back into talking to him again in some way. Then shortly after he will start the crazy behavior again. I swear I feel like an addict or something. I have already been second-guessing the decision I made to not see him anymore. It is partly because he knows just how to act to keep me wondering about him. It is manipulation is what it is. The last email said something like ‘well just know that you hurt my feelings today. I will do my best to stay away from you. But know that I care about you and love you.’ Isn't it a little strange that he tells me he loves me, wants us to move in together and mentions marriage after only 6 months? (I do not tell him I love him back. Sometimes I think I am in denial about what is really going on here.

So my plan is to tell my mother most of what has gone on this coming weekend and ask for her advice and help getting out of this situation. I know this is the right thing to do but I still have some doubts. Why do I keep thinking there may be a chance I will stay with this guy and I don’t want her to know everything? Has he brainwashed me that much? I am much smarter than this.

Is it possible that he has manipulated me so much that I have become delusional about this situation?
Have I been around this so much that I've just become desensitized to this behavior? I know that none of this is normal... ??

I keep thinking maybe this time we will stay away from each other, the pattern will not continue and I can stay in my apartment until my lease is up and I won’t have to scare my family with this.
BUT then I remember that one day this guy could snap, come into my apartment and get me.
I know the right thing to do is to tell my mom and the apartment complex this weekend, which should help me get out of my lease… but I am scared of what is going to happen, scared of him and ashamed that I have continued to be with him.

I am afraid when I tell the apartment they are going to say ‘well it must not have been too bad if you have continued to be with him’ or that they just will not believe me at all. If they ask him about it he will just say that I am crazy and he has not idea what I am talking about.

I guess I just need reassurance that I am doing the right thing. It really helps to get all of this out… it makes me feel saner somehow.

Thanks!!

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:00pm

"Isn't it a little strange that he tells me he loves me, wants us to move in together and mentions marriage after only 6 months?"

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 5:57pm

I want to say thanks again for your advice!! It helps more than you know.

In regards to him mentioning marriage and it being so soon... he has been mentioning that he wanted to move in with 'someone' since the very beginning of the relationship. And asking about marriage and moving in with me for a few months now... so it was really quick.

I have not done anything yet since my mom and grandmother were in town all weekend and I had planned on having a heart to heart with my mom but couldn't do it when she brought my grandmother with her.

He has not tried to contact me except for a couple of short emails... nothing serious.

You are right that he has gone out of pattern (no calls or coming by). It seems like he changes sometimes to catch me off gaurd. Is that typical of an abuser?

If he has not come by within the next couple of days that will be REALLY strange. If he DOES come by and I tell him to go away, my plan is to tell him Again to stay away. If he tries to contact me again after that then I am getting the RO and telling my dad - instead of my mom.

Is that giving him too many chances? Maybe I should just tell my dad if he comes by again at all.
This is exactly how I talk myself out of reporting him EVERY Time. It seems like he has moved on and my fear is starting to die down...

It is also hard for me to tell just how much stalking behavior the guy really has since he does work there... It has been very obvious at times when he has followed me around in the parking lot asking me repetitively if he could come in, etc. ... but now if I just see his vehicle ride by or I feel like someone is watching me... or he pulls up beside me saying he just saw me and wanted to say hey... with no phone call... it is harder to distinguish what is his actual work and what is just him watching me and harassing me.
I am sure he used this to his advantage.

I have found that it really helps me to go back and read over these posts. It helps me keep things in perspective. What a blessing to have found this board!

Thanks so much!!!
L

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 7:27pm

Okay, La Fleur, here's my take on the situation.

Mama Harmony

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