Is it emotional abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Is it emotional abuse?
2
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:57pm

I've been married 2 years and have a 4 month old daughter. In the past 2 years, my husband has become increasingly hostile to me. He calls me names, uses foul language when speaking to me, tells me I have to do what he says or he will divorce me. He has thrown things in the past when he's frustrated (not at me, though). He yells at me all the time. He says things like shut up and get out of here and on my birthday, told me to shut up and do my job (meaning "clean the bathroom like I told you to.") He also forgot our anniversary and then continued to have sex with me that night after I had said stop. On my birthday, he told me my birthday wasn't important. His religion prohibits him from wearing diamonds and gold, so he gave his wedding ring to his sister. When I bought him a silver one, he wore if for a few months then lost it. He won't wear a ring at all now. He tells me I can't visit my parents because I have to take care of my daughter. When I tell him I can take her with me, he says no because I hve to clean the house. When we argue about it and I say I'm going anyway, he asks me who is more important, my parents or my daughter. He tells me I'm too much trouble and I'm going to make him have a heart attack from stress. He has told me he will divorce me (twice he's said it now) if I don't change. He tells me I have to change and that he's only trying to help me become a better person. He ridicules me because of my weight. He calls me lazy because I don't clean the house every day. He calls me stupid when I do something my own way and not his.

But it's not always like this. He's often unemployed. He drifts from low paying job to low paying job. He quits jobs when they don't pay enough or when he feels tired. He has no real skills (and the skills he does have are for jobs that he's not really physically suited to do). When he's not working, he is the happiest and the calmest. It's when he is working that he is emotionally abusive (if this is abuse, I don't know). So clearly, I want him to stop working so he will be nice again.

From these events, can anyone tellme if this is abuse or if he's just frustrated? Should I make allowances for his job-related disappointments and hope he either finds a better job or I find a better job so he doesn't work? Or is this really abuse? He can be so charming and funny and tender. He's like that fairy tale about the girl with a curl who when she was good she was wonderfule, but when she was bad, she was wicked.

Please give any advise you can. I'm feeling stuck and depressed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 12:51am

Hi Imaginary, welcome -


I don't know where to start.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 6:01pm

hey sweetie,

I myself just realized I am in a abusive relantioship and from reading your post I suggest you get away from him, you can do better, so much better. It's all a control thing they do, my husband does the same thing. They can be so nice, just when they are having a good day, but as soon as they get grumpy..holy, look out. Everything is your fault, blah, blah, you know what im talkin about. Just from this board I have realized that he is still the same old prick deep down inside, and really they will never change, not unless they go to couselling for a looong time and realize there problem. I think in your situation, it is abuse, very much emotional. For your life, and your daughters, you need out.

I also suggest going to a counseller, I was a little emabarssed at first about calling but after i did, we talked on the phone and i go see her monday, but i already feel better. Whatever you decide, know you are not alone,im in the same boat as you, and you can have your life back., stay strong!




Edited 1/5/2005 6:07 pm ET ET by iv_skorpio