Abuser attempted suicide- help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Abuser attempted suicide- help!
19
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:48am

I posted this on the domestic abuse support forum also, before I found this one.

Help please!!!! My husband has been abusive for the past year, but only physically abusive once. He choked me several times one night and I left the next morning. I'm in another state, and can't get a restraining order from my state or his state until he comes where I am or I go back for my car/clothes/etc. He's been harassing me daily since I left right before christmas, he keeps apologizing - but he's still making threats to destroy everything I own and to "make a road trip" to where I am and threatened to kill himself if I didn't "come home". He's active duty military and his command knows about everything, but they couldn't force him to get a psych evaluation if he told them he wouldn't kill himself. Last night he slit his wrists and called me this morning from the hospital. I don't know what to do!!! I feel so bad, like it is somehow my fault; but then I also feel angry at him because I think he might just be trying to get me to come back. He required less than 15 stitches on each arm. I think that means he cut "across" and not the long way (which I think shows that it's more of a cry for attention/help than an actual attempt to end his life, plus he called the ambulance himself). Anyone else been in this situation or know of any resources? Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 10:45am
I had left my abuse husband, and two weeks later he commited suicide(shot himself in the head-oral) I felt quilty for a long time,even had nightmares,but it wasn't my fault,nor would it be yours. It just another attempt at trying to get you back and control you. I'm lucky I left when I did because the police feel he would of killed me,and my children had I stayed. Your husband may not hurt you if you decide to go back(don't do it out of guilt),but why take the chance.Hopefully now that he has tried to do this the military will now step in and demand an eval. He needs help and though I know you want to be the one to do so,it best just to step back and let someone else take over,you've been through enough.You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep me posted on how your doing. I care. God bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 10:59am

Unfotunately, this is a very common and classic line that abusers use to 'suck you in'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:19pm
You are not responsible for another adult's actions. They are. My ex threatened suicide too, maybe I'm a cold person but I told him that's your decision, not my problem at all, do what you want. I really feel that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 2:34pm
Hi, I am sorry to hear that you are going through all this. I was just curious to know if his First Shirt knows, his commander, or the chaplain on base where you live? The chaplain on my base is wonderful and has helped me alot with some of the issues that I have with my husband. Please let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:02pm

My ex-husband tried this one also. Oddly enough, he was military also. When he tried the "I'll kill myself if you leave, I love you so much, I can't live without you. I'll commit suicide" thing on me, I had had enough at that time. So I told him "That's your choice. But for God's sake, please don't make it messy; I would like to get my deposit back on the apartment." To which he looked completely dumbfounded and said that I would miss him when he was gone. I then told him, "No, I won't, but I'm sure the money from insurance/military/etc will help comfort me; hell, I'll be able to pay off the debt you racked up". This left him completely flat-footed and not sure what to say or do, since I wasn't playing his "game" anymore.

I am not recommending this type of response by any means. But it is NOT YOUR FAULT, NOR IS IT YOUR RESPONSIBLITY. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions. You are not his mother, nor did you take him to raise. I would think that now that an attempt has been made, his commander/military doctors/chaplain can (and should) now get involved. You might try to contact one of them (my bet would be on the chaplain or commander)and let them know that you are concerned about your husband's actions and that he needs to be evaluated psychologically. Just my humble opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:29pm
Lurker here...this is such a common stunt to jerk your chain that you'd think it came out of a manual somewhere. Leon the Loony, my psycho ex, tried to pull "If you leave me, I'll kill myself." I looked at him and said, "Fine. Do it." Last I heard, the creep was still alive and kicking. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, and I seriously doubt he had much, if any, intention of actually committing suicide. I like the ideas that others have posted, but at bottom, yes, this is an attempt to manipulate you into coming back. I truly, truly hope that you will stay strong and not fall for his nasty little head games!!!
UCAUTIONIN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP ERIN AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:34am
Thanks everyone! His command knows ALL about it, but isn't very cooperative. This is a nuclear aircraft carrier with over 3,000 sailors onboard - but get this - no answering machine system! How bizarre is that? And they did give him a psych eval and guess what? He has "failure to thrive" or "situational depression" and will not be prescribed any medication of any kind. I'd bet my last dollar that he's bipolar; and even if they don't diagnose him with that - he'd benefit greatly from just a mood stabilizer. Oh well, these people are DOCTORS, high ranking doctors (commanders) and whatever they say is what goes. As for his chaplains - he actually WORKS in the chaplains' office and is training to become an RP (religious petty officer)!!! Ironic, huh? The Naval Hospital he's at is releasing him in the morning, so we'll have to see how that turns out. Legally, nobody can give me any information except for him (he won't give them permission to); so I'm stuck out here only hearing his twisted (as usual) side of the story. Thanks to the state of California and the United States Navy - his rights trump mine on every issue. I guess that active duty abusers are more important than their disabled veteran victims.... any former military spouses or California residents out there with any advice? Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:24pm

Grrrr...I hate to think which carrier he's on.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 2:21am
Aaaaargh!!!! I am seriously at my wit's end here!!! EVERY SINGLE DAY he calls me and says he can't live without me and he has to have me back or he'll die; if I ignore him, he text messages me that he's going to kill himself. I can't deal with this!!!! I know I should probably just ignore him - but what if he tries it again and actually goes through with it? I'll feel bad (not guilty - I know it wouldn't be my fault), but I'll feel bad about ignoring him right before he died. I hate this!!!! He called me over 15 times in the last 6 hours, sent me 2 text messages about killing himself, and called my parents and told them it was "an emergency" and to PLEASE have me call him back ASAP. I'm getting physically ill on a daily basis, I can't sleep well, I have nightmares, and I alternate from feeling happy that I've left and I'm OK now, feeling angry at him for all the terrible things he did to me and that he still has the nerve to demand/beg/expect me to come back and "start over", and sad and depressed about the way my life is going right now and how he keeps doing things to make me feel guilty and I don't know what to do about it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last year, but since I got out of the Navy I have had no health care (he wouldn't sign me up for his Tri-care when we got married, he kept trying to make it seem like I was being selfish and rude by asking him to sign me up.) It's been 4 months and I haven't been able to get my anti-depressants because of this, and it's been REALLY rough. They keep telling him he's required to put me on his health insurance and he keeps saying he's called about it but they were closed, or he can't do the paperwork there because where I am now is in a different region. Excuses, excuses!!! Plus, today is the day we were supposed to have our church wedding (we did a civil ceremony in September for the sole purpose of being able to get an apartment and get me put on his health insurance; but wanted the "real" wedding with all of our family also). And get this! His family has been doing nothing but whining about the $800 they spent on plane tickets for his mom,dad,2 sisters, and little brother(I gave them $750 out of my own pocket - keep in mind I had no job at this time and very little money to do anything with even for myself, but they don't have much and I tried to help as much as humanly possible), so instead of calling and having the tickets changed to go out to where he is after they found out what had happened- they came HERE anyways!!! How messed up is that?!?! Sorry, I just needed to get some of this out.... so if you read all of this - Thank you! I'll post again in a day or two and let ya'll know if anything else interesting has happened. I feel like I'm living in a Lifetime channel TV movie....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 3:41pm

If he is calling that often, call the police and inform them that you are being harrassed via phone and ask them to get your phone records.

CL-Blueliner4

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