Another reason why I should leave .....
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Another reason why I should leave .....
| Wed, 01-05-2005 - 7:17am |
Hi everyone, I am so upset I can hardly breathe this man is amazing. Amazing bad definately not amazing good! We have been fighting the last few days and things are quite tense at the moment so tonight the girls get picked up by a friend to play for a couple of hours and I am fixing dinner and he saunters up and asks me to play ping pong with him and I told him why I didn't want to. Basically I don't like playing with him because he always beats me and teases me. He is just standing there while I offload about the situation for about 5 mins and he walks off mid sentence so the conversation continues about other things and he walks off again, I point out that he keeps walking away when I talk to him and he gets annoyed ' I am just trying to put something in the bin and i am still listening to you' the bin is outside around the side of the house so i back away from the conversation and just keep saying fine ok whatever. I was washing a few dishes and he come over next to me and goes to wipe them up and moves a plate and they kind of fall down a bit and make some noise. He used to love banging stuff when gets mad so i turn around and say' can you please not bang stuff!' so he then proceeds to say that he wasn't which is his standard answer for EVERYTHING and we get into another discussion. I am trying to explain that he has been abusive to me and that I am sensative to his every move always looking for signs that he is about to let loose. So he sits there listening to me explain why we are in this situation and that if he could only get past the whole wright and wrong issue and go deeper into situations he might want to try to be more understanding.....well he turns it all around on my ...he is only defending himself his is not going to say sorry when he has done nothing wrong ( gees he doesn't even day sorry when he does)
So the argument goes back and forward and I am raising my voice and so is he and then wham he is all well why can you yell why can you get peed off and I can't ......because you are the one who is abusive not me!!!!
Then I point out to him that me yelling is pure frustration and usually fear BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF YOU!! I point out the other night twice you yelled and me actually he was growling with his fists clenched at me as loud as he could oh yeah standing over me and he wants me to stop raising my voice ( i wasn't even yelling at the top of my lungs either) and he says well at least thats better than yelling and yelling, 'its a better release in one go'. I could not believe that he could justify scaring the crap out of me and turn it against me like that its just incredible the way he thinks its soooooo abnormal!!!
I got up from the table and said 'what!' he said well it is....I started to get tears in my eyes, I mean there it is plain and simple he just does not believe what he does is wrong! plain and simple one set of rules for him and one for me! I was really upset at this point and went to walk off and he looked at me and made crying noises in a funny voice...I gave him a death stare and he said what are you gonna go cry now.....
BAS..RD!
At this point I walked away and wouldn't talk to him he kept following me around the house asking me to talk to him which I refused he kept saying ' what when you wanna talk we talk and when I want to you won't talk to me!
Idiot I can't stand him he's gone out to a friends house and the girls are home I hope he stays out all night I can't stand the thought of having to sleep next to that flea!!
I don't understand why I am still here trying to make things better with him I mean thats what I am doing I am trying to explain and almost teach him how to treat me and what for.
HE DOES NOT GET IT AND HE NEVER WILL, why am I the one who still thinks that he might change that maybe he will see the hurt he puts me through and change.
I know its not going too and I just need to make my plans to go. I found out today that I can have my old job back in three months so I know I will have a job.
Its time to go I just need to do it this is torture slow painful torture!!
Please girls talk to me tell me how you did it what was the last straw????? what did it take to finally walk out I AM SO AFRAID OF WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I am afraid of what's going to happen when he gets home too!!
I might have to pretend to be asleep....again
M
So the argument goes back and forward and I am raising my voice and so is he and then wham he is all well why can you yell why can you get peed off and I can't ......because you are the one who is abusive not me!!!!
Then I point out to him that me yelling is pure frustration and usually fear BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF YOU!! I point out the other night twice you yelled and me actually he was growling with his fists clenched at me as loud as he could oh yeah standing over me and he wants me to stop raising my voice ( i wasn't even yelling at the top of my lungs either) and he says well at least thats better than yelling and yelling, 'its a better release in one go'. I could not believe that he could justify scaring the crap out of me and turn it against me like that its just incredible the way he thinks its soooooo abnormal!!!
I got up from the table and said 'what!' he said well it is....I started to get tears in my eyes, I mean there it is plain and simple he just does not believe what he does is wrong! plain and simple one set of rules for him and one for me! I was really upset at this point and went to walk off and he looked at me and made crying noises in a funny voice...I gave him a death stare and he said what are you gonna go cry now.....
BAS..RD!
At this point I walked away and wouldn't talk to him he kept following me around the house asking me to talk to him which I refused he kept saying ' what when you wanna talk we talk and when I want to you won't talk to me!
Idiot I can't stand him he's gone out to a friends house and the girls are home I hope he stays out all night I can't stand the thought of having to sleep next to that flea!!
I don't understand why I am still here trying to make things better with him I mean thats what I am doing I am trying to explain and almost teach him how to treat me and what for.
HE DOES NOT GET IT AND HE NEVER WILL, why am I the one who still thinks that he might change that maybe he will see the hurt he puts me through and change.
I know its not going too and I just need to make my plans to go. I found out today that I can have my old job back in three months so I know I will have a job.
Its time to go I just need to do it this is torture slow painful torture!!
Please girls talk to me tell me how you did it what was the last straw????? what did it take to finally walk out I AM SO AFRAID OF WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I am afraid of what's going to happen when he gets home too!!
I might have to pretend to be asleep....again
M

M
The last straw comes when you realize it's abusive behavior (the awakening)and you realize he's not going to change through your love and support, and that his promises to change are meaningless. Like all victims of abuse you remember how he used to be but it really was an illusion, he really is the person who verbally, emotionally, and physically abuses you through yelling, twisitng reality, blaming you for everything, scaring and intimidating you. You realize that he doesn't really care about how his actions and words affect you and your well being.
I just left my EXBF two days ago through the use of a restraining order. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it had to be done.
You're making a plan which is a sign of your strength and resolve, getting your job back and preparing to leave. Enlist the help of a local shelter for their support and assistance in developing a plan. They are there to help you as is everyone on this board. Keep posting and reading it really does help.
Toni
Aw man, he is just working this good.
After crying myself to sleep for almost two months straight and wishing he wouldn't curl up with me, just flop on his side of the bed and leave me alone, we got into a fight that he started about how I totally disregarded the fact he was upset he didn't get a job he'd been after.
CL-Blueliner4
I know what I need to do I am just scared, he came home late last night and I was nearly asleep, he proceeded to make heaps of noise to make sure I was awake and then started asking me normal questions like do you need the alarm set for tomorrow and have you got plans for tomorrow etc acting like nothing had happened... to which I reply with 'are you sleeping on the couch or am I?' (in the past he has always refused telling me its HIS bed and if i don't want to sleep next to him its my problem!) So last night he says, 'why do you want me to?' I didn't anwser and just got up and went into the other room I also proceeded to tell him that I was amazed that he just keeps hurting me and pretending like nothing has happened and I wasn't interested in his reponse to that and I don't want to talk!
So I spent the night on the couch, infact I doubt I slept at all I kept waking up half expecting him to be watching me or about to wake me up and rant and rave both things he has done in the past.
Today I am tired, very tired its hard enough having my crohn's to get through the tiredness without having all of this stuff as well. I am so drained. I know I need to go I am just afraid of the following:
My H making life difficult in any and ever way possible.
If I leave the house he will trash it so that when we sell it I won't get as much money
(that's the way he thinks and threats he has made in the past not that I am caring that much about money I just would like to start a new life with some comfort for my girls)
Being on my own and not coping health wise and having to come back!
My girls blaming me for the breakup of our family.
I know all of these fears are not real and there are anwsers to all of them I just feel like I am spending all of my energy on just getting through the days that I don't have the strength to put more on my plate and be on my own. The pressure of providing for my girls is huge and very scary!!
I am sorry girls to keep the whinge going I just feel like I am at the bottom of a well and I can't climb out!! I am supposed to go for blood tests and a xray today and I just don't have the energy to move .....how I am I supposed to get out of this place!!
M
He will try and make things hard, yes.
CL-Blueliner4
One other thing, hon.
CL-Blueliner4