I am not sure if I am being abused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
I am not sure if I am being abused
8
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:12am

My boyfriend f 7 years, and the father of my 2 children may be abusing me but I feel like it might just be my fault.
We are constantly fighting, and it can be over the stupidist things. We were young when we got together and I accidently became pregnant with my first child, I was 19, he was 21 when we had her. I was 21 when I had my second child. I believe he might be a narcissist or he has ADD, I am not sure which because both problems have quite a few of the same symptoms. He agrues like a 6 year old, everytime we have a disagreement. He will resort to name calling, like I am crazy, hormonal, bi-polor, a slut, too sensitive, and he always seems to have a way of turning everything I am upset about into my fault.
He claims he does not keep me frm having friends but when I do have a friend he hates them or if it is people he knows he tells them they are monopolizing too much of my time, when in actuality it was a 2 week period where some girls he knows( who are also friends with his younger brother, at who's house it was that I was hanging out at) asked me to go out, after 10pm mind you, kids were sleeping already and he had been home for a few hours playing a video game. He told these girls that they needed to stop inviting me out cause he was getting no time with me, they complied because they did not want to cause any problems for me, since they knew he was being ridiculas about it. And it is not like I was out getting drunk either we might have a few beers in a 3 hour time span but I was never drunk or messed up when I came home cause I had to drive! He would be livid if I came in after 1am, and would not talk to me for a day or two. And then he would accuse me of ignoring him! When the whole reason for me to go out was because I needed some time with some people that were my age not 3 year olds! ANd since he would either be asleep or playing a video game all night I thought it was fine, since he was not paying any atttention to me.
Then I just made a friend in a college class and I will admit she is really imature for 19 but I like her she is fun, and I see a lot of myself in her, like the things she has gone through and where she is in life. I feel as she learns a little more and grows up a bit she will be a great friend, but right now she is a little demanding of my time, of course I am not even sure how to have a friend anymore since I have not had one since I was 17. He also hates my parents, but I am not overly fond of them myself, but I have an ok relationship with my mother.
He does not control the finances it is actually the opposit, if I did not get the bills payed he would never do it out of sheer laziness. Out of one of his I'm sorry please forgive me take me back things he agreed to start taking college classes too to better himself, he flunked out of the first 2 he took because he was to buzy playing video games to do the home work.

He has never really hit me but he has punched a hole in the wall in a fit of anger at me, and one New years eve I was rather drunk and picked a fight with him, I slapped him(not very hard mind you I was drunk..lol) and he shoved me in to the pantry rather hard, enough to bounce my head off the shelf. And then he would not let me leave the kitchen when I want to get away from he he just kept puffing his chest up in front of me and saying you aren't going anywhere. God as I type that it sound bad...
But lately it has been over a lot f stupid things like I was talking about somehting I was learning in a class called kinesiology(the study of muscle memory) in a mystic sense, that you can predict the future and discover your past. My friend and I had been playing around with it earlier that day, and I asked my body if he and i would be together in a year,answer was yes, I asked 2 years? It said no. ( I am not going to get into the details of how to ask right now but if you would like to know I will be glad to discuss it) But anyway I told him about it in a joking manor and he got really mad, and no matter what I said after that statement that we would not be together in 2 years he jsut kept going off as to how stupid that crap is and how can I be basing my whole life on something as dumb as that, "Gee you must really be ignorant if you buy into that load of bs." And on and on, and when I started trying to say something about the idea of soulmates and that there are different levels, and that you can have meny soulmates in one stream, but only 1 other twinflame(of course I should know anything of this nature will set him off) he jsut kept going on that I must be stupid for believing that, but he really didn't listen to anything else I said after the we would not be together forever thing. It is like he tuned me out and jsut kept repeting the same thing over and over again in different terms. And then he was like why are you still going you are not going to convince me it is real, and I said he was a closed minded jerk, and he said I was neive airhead for believing any of that stuff and that my massage teacher was an idiot for suggesting it and that he should not be teaching. but then he fell asleep, and woke up like everything was fine. Later that same night he started cuddling with my leggs as I sat on the couch, and I was on the computer, he says I am sexy, and I laughed it off and said yeah, but I want to have a tummy tuck and I think I do want to have a small boob implant to make them more perky not really any bigger. THen laughingly I said well I am only neurotic every now and then. His response to that with out even so much as a pause was "well why is it always now and never then?" Shocked at this I got mad, after not resolving anything earlier, which I was willing to let slide, he comes off with that? I didn't say anything I just got up and went back to the bed room, he followed me and asked what was wrong, and when I told him he got mad at me for being "too sensitve" he was only joking. It just was uncalled for, and he always makes jokes that are uncalled for. He really has no sense of humor he is just a sarcastic jerk that doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. And that ended up turning into a screaming match, because he just kept saying he hates when I say that kind of stuff and then he exaggerated it by saying I say it all the time when we are naked or being intimate together, which is not true most of the time when I make the "I want a tummy tuck" comment I am in the bathroom getting in the shower or fully dressed and doing something totally non sexual. He tried to say that it was totally discounting the fact that he finds me sexy and that I was trying to talk him out of being attracted to me. Totally not what I was doing, these were just things I would like to improve on myself that no amount of exercise will ever change. He doesn't get mad when I say I want eye laser surgery to get rid of my glasses. No somehow he takes it as a personal attack on him. I don't understand that one. But we kept fighting and all I was trying to get out of him was that he does not want me to say that to him ever again. Which is fine if he just stated that he has no desire to hear those word out of my mouth to him again then fine I will never bring it up, but he jsut kept yelling "what do you want me to say?" When I asked what it was that he really wanted? he jsut kept saying he didn't like to hear it. Fine jsut becuase you don't like hearing it doesn't me I couldn't say it right? I thought I was doing good too cause I never complain about my size other then the typical, no one makes clothes to fit my butt, but I never go around saying I am fat or anything else. I know I have no room to complain about that because I can physically change my weight, but I can't lift up my boobs and flaten sagging skin. But it was because he just wants me to accept it when he calls me sexy and hot, both terms I hate by the way. SO I said fine I will not say those again but you can not call me sexy or hot agian. He got even more mad that that and started yelling I can't tell him what to do! When I thought I was making a compremise.

I feel like I really have tried, and there is a lot of other things that I have not put on here otherwise this would be really really long, he was a jerk to me thoughout both pregnancies, made me cry constantly, was unsupportive when I was going though post pardum depression twice, he told me "To just suck it up" all the time. I keep giving him chance after chance to change the things that I can not stand about him but he keeps doing it, we will have a blow up, then we can go for somewhere between 3 weeks and 3 months(as longs as I am totally ahnging all over him, showering him with affection and begging for his attention) then he will start to pull away and go back to everything he had just agreed to stop doing. Then I will get fed up with it, and stop showing him any kind of affection what so ever since he pays no attenion to me and I get sick of begging for it, then there will be a big fight over something and it all comes pouring out of me, and he usally will blame shift it all back on to me saying he would show me all the affection and attenion I want if I show him affection and approval,"because that is all men really want" according to him. But it is always me that has to show it first or otherwise I get nothing. And heaven forbid I disagree on something that he feels strongly about, or if he feels he is right, because his favorite saying is that he is 99.9% of the time right and the other .1% he was misinformed. Sounds like a complete narcissist to me. He is the god of all knowledge as on of my teacher put it nicely. He is always right and I am always wrong and if I have proof he is wrong he snorts and won't talk to me about it any more. Tell me is he an abusive narcissist or am I just expecting to much out of a man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:01am
Oh and something else he is not very nice to our children. He believe the psychology stuff I am learning about (haha..yeah that is the profession I plan on for a career) is bs, and that the only way to disapline kids is the corporal punishment. He doesn't think twice about screaming at them at the top of is lungs or spanking them if they do not do what he says quickly with no complaints about it. He expects a 3 year old and 6 year old to pick up thier toys in a matter of 5 minutes and screams that they are old enough to pick up after themselve, but how are they supposed to know they are supposed to do that when they only see mommy picking up after everyone and he does nothing but go to work and then come home and play computer games? And he is not only playing computer games but is on a headset that he talks to other people on, and he does nothing but sware and talk about things like how much they would like to bang Carman Electra. Totally inapropriate things for my kids to be hearing at that age, but he doesn't care, and if they try to talk to him he doesn't hear them and when they poke him to get his attetion he yells at then to go away. On days I have to leave him with them for several hours I worry that they will not even get feed and the little one will be sitting with poop in his diaper all day. And I have come home to this on many occasions. He thinks they bone he trows them every now and then by sitting on the couch and watching a movie makes up for this but all he does when he does that is falls asleep and they tear the house apart, for which he spanks them. I am afraid that they are going to be mentally hurt by this action and any thing I do is not going to improve this untill I leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:17am
Jennifer - You don't even need to question the fact that you ARE being abused. Just because he doesn't punch you in the eye doesn't mean he's not abusing you (and probably your children). If you need some validation from more than just us girls here, go to abigails.org I have been going through a lot recently (I don't want to repost it all, but you can look at my topic right under yours to see), and this site has helped me a lot. If you're worried about him checking you internet history file, there are easy instructions on the site for how to erase it so he can't find out you went to it. It has a REALLY comprehensive list for how to tell if you are being abused, and I think if you look at it and see all these things that he's said or done to you - you will truly be able to see what's happening to you. Your H sounds a lot like mine, has a lot of the same behaviors (including manipulating me in to paying every bill we ever had with my own money that my parents gave me to go to college and then telling me that it was my own idea and that I will never get a cent of it back because it was my bills too). That's abuse also, whether it's not letting you spend any money or making you spend all of your own money on joint expenses and his own wants. If you choose to leave (if he won't get help or you just can't live that way anymore) start contacting shelters and getting legal advice before you try to leave, so that he can't keep you from having your children with you. Good luck with everything!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 9:09am
Who cares if he's bipolar of ADD or whatever. Obviously something is wrong with him or he wouldn't act how he does. Even if he had that stuff he would voluntarily of his own idea and his own initiative have to go get help and stick with it. Which it doesn't sound like he's even close to doing. I think you are being abused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:43am

Oh god no he would never get help, narcissist never volentarily get help and if they do it is never for their actual problem, that is why I think that is more the problem then ADD, although abuse and ADD run in his family, I guess the current events that have been happening in his family is what mage me question if it really was abuse or if I realy was a c***. (and yes he has called me that before, but only once I tld him I would tell is Stepfather he called me that, so he never did it again.)

I guess I am just annoyed at myself for getting into a relationship and being blind for 7 years to the abuse. I have thought before about 1 1/2 years ago that he was being abusive and I comfronted him on that and his narcissisum, and he went off the handle saying I was selfish b***h and that I was the one with the psychological problems not him, and I bought it, thinking that maybe I was wrong. But thank you ladies I guess I was right and it is abuse. But I just wanted to make sure I was not just crazy myself, but with all I know about psychology I hnestly say I know myself and I don't think I am crazy, but he makes me question my sanity. And I see now that is part of the abuse.

What made me was his oldest brother has a criminal record of abuse, but now he has a submissive mouse wife that he doesn't need to abuse to control, he says jump she asked how high. And just before x-mas his next oldest brother got arrested for comming home one night drunk, waking up his GF and beating the tar out of her then trying ot drown her in the tub. Somehow she escaped and went to the hospital, so it was reported and the state itself is pressing charges with out her testimony, he has apparently done this 3 other times to 3 other women. He ex wife claim he beat up a few times but raped her often when he was drunk.
My BF is not that bad and I guess I was used to emotional and verbal abuse since I grew up with it. But what scares me is that my BF is not aginst hitting a girl if he hits him first. And it really came to my attention the other night when we were hanging out with his youngest brother, and the subjest came up about hitting a women. His brother said it was not right regardless of the situation, he was said "If a woman was trying to beat me I would walk away, no woman could stop me from leaving no matter what she was doing. Unless of course she had a 2x4 or something, I would just disarm her and leave." And my BF was like " Screw that if a gril is going to hit me like a man she can go down like a man too!" I was shocked. I had never heard him talk about it like that. But I should have know when for the first few years he would bruise me when he would play around wrestling and stuff. He puposly did things that would hurt me so that I would stop "trying to hurt him" or if I was tickling or something he would flick me really hard or pinch me enough to leave a welt or a bruise. And he is still not aginst snapping a towel at me or the kids "just playing" but he does it so hard that he leaves welts. I mean it is bad when you snap a sock and it leaves a welt, you have to purposely do it realy hard to do that. I jsut started putting my foot down that he was not allowed to do that to me anymore, so what did he do, he does it to the kids now, and is snoty to them if they cry from pain saying they are fakeing it just to get attention.

He was raised in a millitary home for the last 8 years of life, but he denies ever seeing his real father abuse his mother in the first 8 years. I know know why because his real father was a bad verbal abuser and only occassionally hit his mother, he never saw that, but he does not think verbal abuse is abuse, he says well I don't beat you so you must not be abused. But that is a load of bs, Thank you ladies for the thoughts, as of right now I can not leave, I have volenteered at the womens shelter before here and I could not bring my kids there. And the state here will nt help you untill you are homeless, so I would have to go there and stay there for 2 weeks or so and then live in a roach infest apartment, I guess that is not an idea that I want to do, I would rather have my A.S in massage and get like 30$ an hr, working 30 hours a week. And to continue going to school I need to stay here for now, but I am finding it amusing to use him as a little psychology observational project, Keep a record daily, nice today, jerk this day, said this did that. I figure if I keep a god recrd of all that happens if he tries to be a pr*k about it and tryto take the kids from me, I will have all the documentation that I need to show he is abusive.

And I guess some part of me want to help him realize what the problem is and to get him help, but I don't think I will ever be able to. And then I wondered if there really are anyother guys out there that are better, or is it just a fantasy idea that men still know what chivalry is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:47pm

Hi Jennifer, welcome -


I don't think he's ADD or bipolar.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:24pm
I've been going to the domestic violence agency in my area since May or June and out of all the staff there only 2 are still there. The rest of the staff have turned over. I'm talking regular staff. Of course all volunteers have left and new ones came, but out of the regular staff only 2 out of maybe 10 are still there and it's only been about 8 months that I've been going. They may not even be the same people as when you were a volunteer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 7:20pm
yeah the shelter here is gross though and not somewhere I would want to subject my kids too. I would rather stick out another year or so with this the way it is. This next semester I am not going to have to leave the kids with him alone at any time. I just don't understand why he acts so nice and sweet for several days and sometimes weeks, and trys to act like he is being attentive but it just seems like he is putting on an act. I know if I ask him to do something for me he would normally, like go to the store and pick up such and such, but if I need attention it feels like it is forced. I just feel really lonely and have been for years now. He claims it is becuase no one likes me because I am abrasive, and bitchy, but I never really act like that around anyone I like. I do have a tendancy to be rather quiet and reserved around his friends but that is becuase I get a vibe from them that they don't like me, like something he said to them tainted they opinion of me. Of course anyone I make friends with he hates, automaticly, either they are dirtbags, or losers or annoying, and I should not hang out with them. But he never says it out right, he will just complain about them until I get mad and say what do you ust want me to not talk to them anymore, and then he will say oh no I am not telling you to dump them as a friend just tell them to not come over or call so often. Well so often turns out to be calling me maybe once a week, or coming over when he is not here or when he is here. But it is fine if his friends or relitives are rude and just stop by at 1:30am and stay all darn night. Or are over here drinking all night and playing on our computers(mine included) till 4am, but he says nothing to them. He brother spent like 2 months straight coming over every night and staying till 2 or 3 in the mrning keeping me up when I have to get up with the kids, but he did not say anything to him untill he started getting jealous and thought I might have a thing for his brother. Yeah, the only thing going for his brother is that he is better looking.

I guess I am just feeling really depressed right now. Like all I want to do is lay down and sleep. My friend called me earlier and asked me to come over and hang out with her but I told her no that I couldn't becuase he was just complaining about her last night and would get pissy if I left on HIS day off to go hang out with someone else other then him. But guess what he is doing, playing a video game as usual. He keeps asking me why I seem cranky, HMMM let me think about that one, well I just realized how badly he has treated me for all these years and I have wasted the past 7 years of my life with a loser. I think that is enough to be cranky over. I just really need a big tall Drink! And a cute guy to have my way with..LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 2:15pm
your man sounds EXACTLY like my man. its completly eerie. I have no advice for you, but i wish to God that i did. He is abusive. because mine is abusive. sounds like he may have a thyroid problem which my fiances father has but is taking meds for it. since taking the meds hes finaly normal and his wife is happy with him now.. my fiance keeps saying he has this thyroid but i think its jsut an excuse for him to use for when he acts like this. I wish there was something i could tell you. just good luck and if you lvoe him then try and get him some help or leave him. but good luck gettin himt o even listen to you bring that up, the thyroid thing! God bless...