Serious advice needed, please help...r/o
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| Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:59pm |
I've never posted here before, but I need help. I am really worried about my best friend and have tried everything to help her out, but it’s not working and I want to get others opinions on the situation. She has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for almost 2 years and their relationship is the cause of my concern.
For some background info, he’s 26, currently unemployed (he was fired from his previous job as a golf caddy – a job he had for 5 years - about a month ago), went to college for 6 years, but only ended up with an associates degree because college just wasn’t his “thing”, claims to have a $6 million trust fund (highly, HIGHLY doubtful, plus, with his personality who cares if he has $6 mil) that he is going to get when he turns 30, and as of right now is a couch potato who gets drunk every night of the week, actually he drinks all day and isn’t really bothering to look for a job. He also has an eating disorder – he told her that he’s lost 12 lbs. by not eating, and when he does eat, he throws up, because he feels that he’s too fat for her. He refuses to exercise because it “sucks”.
My best friend is 20, has two jobs, and is a full time student. She is going to have her associate’s degree after this spring. She’s a really sweet, funny person and she is absolutely gorgeous – she looks like a model and could have any guy she wanted – she’s just stunning.
Problem is – I have never seen anyone treated the way she is treated by her “boyfriend” – it really blows my mind, but she thinks that I’m overreacting and because I’m single at the moment I don’t really know what I’m talking about (I think she assumes I’m jealous, which couldn’t be farther from the truth). Here is a breakdown of their relationship – please people, tell me if I’m wrong that she needs to get away from him – I’ve tried to tell her how much better she could do, or even how much better off she would be if she was just single, but I don’t think she wants to be single.
Ok, so, some examples. First off, they get into knock down drag out fights EVERY single time they see each other – almost every night (screaming, cussing, throwing stuff, him lying on top of her car so she won’t go, etc.). They also break up, on average, 3 times a month. There have been many times where I’ve picked her up, crying because they have gotten in a fight and she doesn’t want to be around him because of his temper, although she says he has never hit her. He cheats on her, lies to her, and is just cruel.
He called her last new year’s after not calling for a week to tell her he was with his ex-girlfriend, who “actually had class” and wasn’t a “stupid whore” like she was. They got back together exactly one week later because “I know he didn’t mean it.”
She went to NYC last year – he didn’t want her to go. She did, and he drove her car and picked her up at the airport. He left her car outside, and when he got back – surprise! – he had a ticket that he said SHE should pay because she’s a “stupid f****** b****” who had to go “wh*ring herself around NYC because she’s a sl*t”. Nice logic, huh?
This summer, he walked in the restaurant she was working at while she was cleaning a table and sat down, ordered a vodka tonic and said “I’m dumping you because you are immature and mean to me. I’m good to you and you are unappreciative and I deserve so much better than you, you’re a trashy, dumb little sl*t.” He finished publicly humiliating her and ordered another vodka tonic. Then, he left no tip and left. They actually stayed apart for the entire summer – shock – but then got back together.
When they got back together, she said that he had told her how much he missed her, how great she was, how she was all he thought about that summer, he couldn’t even stand to go out while they were broken up, etc. 1 month later, she found out that only two weeks prior, he had paid one of the girls he was sleeping with this summer (who he had told my best friend was a cheap, ugly skank) to have an abortion because she was pregnant with his baby. He made her take a pregnancy test in front of him – pee on the stick, the whole nine yards. He laughed off the incident. My best friend acted really upset by it, but did she dump him – no. “It’s not his fault” – she instead, hated the girl who he had paid to have an abortion and never spoke to again. Ooook.
Now on to present day. Last night, he dumped her – as with every other time they break up, he calls her about 5 times trying to grovel and cry his way out of it. I haven’t talked to her yet today, but I’m sure by now, they are back together. He bought her a kitten for Christmas that they could raise together, but it was a present for her. She asked him if she could have it last night since it was a gift to her – he said no because she’s “too irresponsible – you couldn’t raise an ant farm, much less this expensive cat I bought – she’s mine, tough sh*t.”
This doesn’t even begin to tell the crap he puts her through – he treats her like she’s an object who has no feelings, tells her she eats too much, is stupid, worthless, mean, and he told her last night – you’ll never amount to anything because you’re just another stupid b*tch who thinks she’ll sink her claws into a man and live off of him for the rest of her life – all women are the same.” He’s a misogynist pig, calls her a sl*t, wh*re, tr*mp, trash, etc – when he’s the only man she’s ever been with and she’s never cheated. She is thinking about moving to RI with him where she knows no one, and would have nothing. She wanted to be a journalist, but now she’s thinking about abandoning that dream and just getting her associate’s because “he is right – why do I need to get my BA, I’ll probably just end up married and never use it anyway” – YEAH, great mindset to have. What is she going to do when they break up in RI when she doesn’t have a place to go, or someone to call to come and get her?
He's also a major drug user and she acts like it's no big deal - he just does it for fun and to relax (coke (!!!) & pot). She doesn't do drugs, but doesn't have a problem with him doing them if that's what he wants to do.
I just can’t fathom this – every time they break up, I’m like – I hope you stick to your word and never see him again, she’s like “yeah I will, I hate him!” and then, a couple of hours later – “well, he called and begged me for forgiveness and I guess if I was him I would have been mad at me too, blah blah blah.” WTF is this?!? I’m not overreacting am I? I guess I feel protective of her because I can see what is happening and she’s 2 years younger than me and I feel like she’s the little sister I never had who is throwing her life away for a complete bastard loser right in front of my eyes. What would you guys do? Since she doesn’t listen to me anyway, should I just stay out of it, even though she drags me into it when she starts venting to me about him? Sometimes, I’ll say something about him and she’s like “Ugh, don’t start, I don’t want to hear it.” Oh yeah, we also haven’t been out together at night in over a year because he doesn’t think she needs to be out “trolling for guys like a sl*t”. When we're out shopping or whatever and he calls, she NEVER tells him she's with me. What should I do?!?

Holy schnikes.
Yes, you are correct.
CL-Blueliner4
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I'll always be here for her and she knows that. When I seriously suggested that she had a problem and needs to get out of the relationship, get help, talk about it - she said I was overreacting and that I was crazy to concoct all of this "BS" because there is nothing wrong with their relationship and she doesn't know what my problem is or what I have against him. She laughed at me like I had just told her that pigs fly or something. She said - "girl, the drama is fun, and I'm in control of him" - UH, being subjected to the kind of abuse he puts her through doesn't sound like she has "control" over him in my book. Plus, relationships aren't supposed to be about control. I clicked on the abusive personality checklist and based on things she's told me and things I've observed, (I also know she doesn't tell me everything) - he fits 40 of the points and it says if you answer yes to just 7 or more a crisis intervention is needed. Also, the Extensive Domestic Violence checklist, based on things she's told me and things I've observed, their relationship fit 64 out of 122 questions. This is terrible. I think I might show her this stuff, maybe as a wake up call? She'll probably treat it like a joke. I just don't understand why she's allowing this to happen to her, she admits it's bad, claims she doesn't love him, but still goes back every time and laughs at me when I try to suggest that she needs to leave him. She just doesn't listen to anyone - I could just shake her. ARRGGGGH!
PS - I went through the "9 Ways To Help A Friend" - and I've already repeatedly done all NINE things, I guess there isn't anything left for me to do except continue to listen to this constant pattern. It's so frustrating, but I guess you can't help someone who doesn't recognize that they need help. :(
Edited 1/6/2005 4:13 pm ET ET by blburson