Crappy day today ...
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| Fri, 01-07-2005 - 9:01am |
its a year today that i lost my Mom. My plan is to go home to see Gramma, pick out moms footstone (which Averey requested an engraved Mary on, she saw it on someone elses grave last time we were there), & see my family. I decided not to bring Ave home this time since it will only be a quick less than 24 hr trip, & i didnt want her to miss school & ballett in the AM. Plus, i dont want her to see me too upset, & i may be. I will bring my fav dog w/ me instead, for company.
I told Ave this AM that it was 1 yr since Gramma went to Heaven & she said "Will you say a prayer for me when you go see her?" I asked her what prayer she wanted me to say & she put her little hand on her head, "picked a prayer out", lol, & stuck it into my head. Then she said how happy Gramma is now b/c her hands dont hurt her anymore. & she also said "Today is a special day for Gramma to say prayers for US to, right?" What would i do w/o this kid???
So, i have obvioulsy kept my distance from Mike & been pretty cool towards him lately. But then, thats really nothing new of late. He still has no clue of my plans. Today he had to go to court for what may be the final hearing on the fire dept issue. He & the other guy suing, may know today which way it will go. 2 weeks ago the judge ordered they be hired NOW ... & today was the hearing to be sure it is being done. Yesterday a letter arrived from teh towns atty saying that they are NOT going to follow the court suggesstion, even at the risk of appeals & further court action. There is NO way we can afford to continue this fight ... we are 12K in now. I am so furious b/c as much of an *ss as he is, he really was robbed. I mean, C'mon, top 2nd score out of 49 people? All for favoritism & politics - totally proven in Superior court. & i knwo nothing will "cure" him, but i know much of his problem has to do w/ being 40, having no career & no self esteem. (which is still no excuse for alcoholism & verbal/emotional abuse, i know that). More then for anyone else, i wanted him to succeed in this for Averey, b/c i think it will give him some much needed stability & pride & mayeb he can be the person he CAN be, instead of the person who feels like crap, so ACTS like crap.
So anyway, he woke me up this AM to say good-bye. He remebered right away about my Mom & asked how i slept, to which i replied i was up every hour. He looked pretty forlorn & was teary-eyed telling me to not get too upset today, to remember my Mom was happy & healthy now & that he would say a prayer for her today too. He also really choked up saying "I really miss her too you know". He wasnt acting, he was totally sincere. He did love her a lot. So i told him good luck today. He said "I am really sorry i have been so sh*tty to you the past month. I dont know whats wrong with me. I love you so much, i dont know why i do what i do." I again reiterated good luck & to call me when he knows anything, & then he said, as he walked out the door "Well, my life could be ruined as of a few hours from now". & all i could think was, "you think THAT is ruining your life? just wait till you find out whats happening to your marriage".
NOT a good day. R~

Isn't it hard? I'm in the same position - getting ready to leave. The only difference is, I told my man I'm leaving. Don't know if that was the best idea. But he's trying to make up with me too.
I've heard his apologies a thousand times and always believed them before. But sooner or later, I was kicking myself, wishing I had never listened to him because once again, I was hurting inside. :(
I hope you have a better day and I'm sorry about your mom.
-Heather
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
Mine SHOULD know since about 1 million times i told him if he starts drinking again, i was gone. & he has. & i also have warned him many times that i wont continue to live like this, w/ the constant mood swings & emotional/verbal abuse & walking on egg shells.
But of course, then there are the good days & you start to worry that if there are TOO many good days, you will change your mind ... but i dont think i have to worry about that, he's not CAPABLE of too many good days! lol
Good luck to you too, R~