Need someone to talk to about this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Need someone to talk to about this
8
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:00pm
Hi I haven't posted on here before, but I suppose I'm in a bit of a bind. The relationship I'm in right now has been going on for a little over a year now. After a few months he started to get very possessive and jealous. He became much more nasty with his insults and would put down my friends and family wherever possible. He would go after me for little things like not holding his hand properly or not being a good enough girlfriend. Anyway, at a nightclub in May I was out with many friends, this was an environment I hadn't taken him to before as I knew it might have gone badly but I sort of wanted to see his true colours come out. Anyway, my friend asked me to go and find her cousin with her, and we left him alone for 10 min - 15 tops in the club, which most people are fine with. When I came back he was furious, and started calling me horrible obscenties. Upon walking away he grabbed my arm and kicked me in the back of the leg. Once at the bar he continued to pelt me with names until my friend told him to stop. About a week later at work he went through my phone bill and found that I had talked to my ex (whom nothing has been going on for in years, we're just friends) and he flipped on me. At this point I was so worn down I just wanted him out of my life, only he was at my apartment with a key and some stuff, and he had already shown a tendency to break things. SO my boss knew the ass. chief of police and he said that he could get some cops to escort me over there, have him gather his stuff and get the key back. This seemed ideal as I'd be fine and my apartment would be fine. I had to go to the police station first and they wanted to confirm why I felt the need to have this assistance. I told them some history and they asked if I wanted to press charges, and I said I didn't. They said they wanted some info incase anything bad happened down the road that he couldn't turn around and say I was lying. It made sense to me at the time, only they turned aroundd and arrested him and pressed charges - Canadian Law it's out of your hands once you let them know about any abuse that's happened. Anyway, this completely blindsided me and I the guilt I felt over all of this is killing me, and I wasn't able to go through with the break up as I felt like I was abandoning him during a really horrible experience. Anyway, my friends and family all t hink that it's done and are extremely relieved, but I'm still seeing him. He made me feel so guilty and stupid for having gone, I keep thinking maybe once the court stuff is over and he isn't convicted that I will be able to leave then. I know this is all absurd, and I'm extremely unhappy. While I agree that he didn't deserve to be charged and go through all of this stuff, he blames me for what is happenening, and it's frustrating as it's his actions that drove me to this point. Any advice would be helpful as no one else knows what I'm going through, which in itself is a huge burden to carry around.
Avatar for debbe1959
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:30pm
Dear OVG, I don't know where to start... first of all, he is abusive; don't doubt that a minute. Next, if you felt you had to get a third party involved to get your key from him (which I have had to do also) that states that you are afraid of him. My husband was also arrested after stealing my car and assaulting me in my kitchen; I had asked that they come and talk to him and they arrested him. Ohio law, like Canada law states that they can bring charges against anyone as they deem necessary, whether or not we press charges. Most states here have adopted this policy. I believe your guilt is misplaced.You have not done wrong here. He is the responsible one! Please see the truth and dissolve this relationship ASAP!! Your hiding the fact that he's still around is a REDFLAG that this is wrong-- whether or not you "see" it. I did the same thing too-- it is isolating you from getting him out of your home, so you can get on with your life. Please call and have him removed and then forget the key, just change the locks! Been there and done that too. Your situation reminds me again how glad I am to finally be free to live without fear or embarassment or worry. I hope you do the right thing and post again with news that you are feeling better and are FREE! Hope this helped you make a choice you can truly live with. Your safety comes first, always! Be Safe and post again. Sincerely, Deb
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:37pm

Hi Varga, welcome -


You're not the first person to have come here who's relationship has had this intervention.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 7:01pm

Gosh, honey.

I kinda want you to be the type of girl who has a good boyfriend - a good guy who's nice to you and doesn't blame you for stuff he does. Like, somebody you're proud of. Not somebody who gets arrested.

I think you sound like a nice person who's pretty smart, too. But wow, I can't see you with this guy much longer... he sounds like he's not really a guy someone like you would want to be around... I mean, he's not very nice to you.

I figure I'd rather go without a boyfriend than be with a jerk like him... but then again, I feel sorry for women in movies who get beaten up, too. Maybe you feel the same way, too.

I don't know, I guess I wouldn't be too flattered that someone like him liked me. He's not really a catch.

What if you told him to leave you alone and go away for a long time... not talk to you... that would give you a good chance to meet nice people and stuff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 11:29am

Hugs to you, vargagirl. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. He abused you and you needed to protect your own safety. I can understand your reluctance to have pressed charges and your thinking that what he did wasn't bad enough that he should be convicted. But what he did was a crime, and his being arrested proves it was bad enough for him to be charged. What he is experiencing now are the consequences of his own actions. If the legal system is working, he will be convicted. The fact that he is blaming you for his arrest shows me that he is still an abuser who has no plan to change - abusers habitually blame others for things they cause themselves. You would not be 'abandoning' him by breaking up with him. The fact that you're hiding your relationship from your friends and family shows that deep down you don't feel it's right to continue the relationship. He may be laying guilt trips on you and blaming you, but you don't have to listen to them. Seek out counselling and confide in your family and friends. I think you know what you want and what the right thing to do is - you just need some support to help you through this.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 1:28pm
I totally agree with sang about this experience being the natural consequences of his own actions. This "horrible experience" he's going through is exactly what he should be going through. You reap what you sow. Unfortunately, he's not really reaping what he sowed, you're reaping it for him, so whatever small chance he had of learning that he can't treat you that way and get away with it is gone. You're giving him the message now that what he did was okay with you and that he shouldn't have to suffer negative consequences for it. This is the worst message a guy like him could possibly get because it just reinforced to him that he can commit this crime against women and get away with it. He needs to be getting the message - in no uncertain terms - that violence against a woman is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. The police are trying to do that, I would recommend that you do not interfere and tell the truth through this whole thing. There is nothing stupid or wrong about not tolerating being treated that way and seeking help to protect yourself and your future. I didn't report my abusive ex way back when, but there is no question today that I would be filing that report and pressing charges so fast it would make his head spin if it were to happen to me today - I don't care who he is or how long I'd been with him. NO ONE has the right to touch me in any way I don't want them to, and no one has the right to try to restrict any of my movements, choices, relationships, etc.. NO ONE! And I will not tolerate it for one second. And I wouldn't feel bad about it at all. Believe me, this guy knows that what he's doing to you is wrong and illegal, he just didn't think that you were strong enough to do anything about it. Abandonment and arrest is exactly what abusers deserve. If someone mistreats and abuses you, that's exactly what needs to be done. Believe me, this abuser you're dealing with is only going to get worse. If you don't get out as soon as possible, you're in for some major trouble and pain. This guy you're wasting your life's energy on falls into the category of a very dangerous abuser. The jealousy and possessiveness, trying to isolate you from your friends and family, abusing you in front of others, and his capacity for violence (and you haven't seen the worst of him yet) are signs of that. Those chracteristics are listed on the list of abusers who have the potential to murder their wives and girlfriends and are almost always present in the history of women who have been murdered by their partners. There is no hope at all for a person like him. The best you can do for him is to try to make sure that you get away from him alive and leave him to continue living his life in the misery he creates. He is never going to be okay which is sad but so true when it comes to men like him. And it's good that there is a record of what he has done, so that other women might have the chance to stay away from him before he kills someone. I only hope that he's convicted so it will show up for sure. Even then, not much will happen to him as far as penalties, unfortunately. I have absolutely zero sympathy for what he is going through. He deserves exactly what he's getting. It's nothing really compared to what he really deserves which is to be removed from society altogether in order to prevent the catastrophic damage he will be inflicting on innocent women and children in his future. I remember when I was trying to get out of my abusive relationship a few years ago, no one knew I was still involved with him the last few months because I was too embarrassed to tell them. I had a difficult time breaking free, but I had to just bite the bullet and do it for my own physical and emotional health. The relationship was over. Protecting yourself really is much more important than protecting a criminal from the consequences of his crimes. You are your number 1 priority. And he can deal with his consequences himself. It's HIS problem and shouldn't be yours at all. He is a loser and will never amount to anything as far as his character goes and being a good person. Be sure to read about safety planning on the home page. If you need help in escaping him, you can call your local domestic violence agency and they can help you explore the various options you have available to you. I am an employee of the domestic violence shelter in my area and you do not have to stay in the shelter to get help from them. In our agency, only a very tiny percentage of the women we serve need shelter. Best of luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 3:24pm
Don't let him make you feel guilty, he is just using your emotions against you. NOBODY is going to fault you for getting out of a relationship that you don't feel comfortable in except him and he doesn't count. He has the potential to be very dangerous. If he would try to hurt you at this stage in the relationship, what do you think he would do if the relationship were more serious? If he would try to hurt you in public, what do you think he could be capable of in private, where there are no witnesses? I'm telling you hon, you don't want to find out. Get out of that relationship while it is still relatively easy. Stand up for yourself, stand up for your rights to be with someone you feel comfortable with. Nobody has a right to make you stay in a relationship you don't want to be in......it's YOUR life. {{{{{Hugs, and good vibes your way}}}}}}
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 12:32pm

Thank you to all of you for your wonderful responses, sometimes I feel as though I'm going crazy or living a double life. Which I suppose I am. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened and I obviously know I am wasting my time with him. It's sick how eventually the rampant over protectiveness and possessiveness starts to feel like love and you become attached to it.
I am going away for 3 weeks in a week and a half, I hope that this will give me the distance I need to come back stronger and detached enough to actively cut the ties. It's so nice to know that other people have gone through what I'm going through and the difficulties of trying to get out of. I feel like there must be something wrong with me sometimes. I would say one of the worst things for me has been becoming completely exhausted trying to explain how his actions in all parts of our relationship are because of him, yet he doesn't take responsibility for anything in his life, he feels as though he's owed something. I guess it's just made me feel as though I'm crazy, like maybe I have a skewed perspective and I can't see properly. I know that it's just that I'm getting worn down.
I will look into a plan for getting stuff, my building has lockers and i'm thinking maybe move his stuff in to a locker and change the locks when he's gone.

Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated,

Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 3:48pm
Hi Nikki,
I am sorry to hear another story from another women who is being abused and can't get out of it, It hurts me and I completely feel for you and want to help you the best that I can.
My advice is #1: there is no best time to leave but IMMEDIATLY-NOW! you never know what he will do to you and when, so why wait around for the REAL damage.
#2: Don't let him make you feel guilty, he is the one doing wrong and no matter what he says you have done in your past to upset him should not lead any man nor women to abuse mentally or physically.
#3; When you get into a relationship you had a choice to get involved in that also includes leaveing the relationship YOU have the RIGHT to CHOOSE to lEAVE, no one can tell you any different.
#4: Him getting arrested and the police pressing charges is what he deserves, don't let him give you giult because HE put HIS hands on you, he is the one in the wrong, he deserves all the punishment that comes to him. I believe that what you do to someone that is negative will come back on you but 3 times worse. #5: All the help that you have around you is great, but remember that when you HIDE something from your friends and family (especially people who care about you the most) it is because you know it is wrong.The more support you have the more likely you can help yourself. Keep them close and in the know.
Just to let you know I have posted my story and how I excaped on this web site to show others what type of dangers guys like yours can put on you and others, the title is " I can breath" I reccomend you read it. Really think about it Nikki, there are so many good men out there and they need good women, don't stick around with this loser, You don't deserve to be with someone who can't treat you with any respect or treat you like a Queen like you should be. I know I have the right to go anywhere I please when i want, see anyone that i want to when i want to, buy what i want, wear what I want, dance how I want, be loved how I want and DESERVE!!
There is lots of help out there as well and you are not alone, Remember that.
Much Luv
Deeva