The things a stalker says
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| Sat, 07-23-2005 - 8:01am |
I broke up with my lunatic ex 6 months ago. During the break-up he verbally & physically assualted me. I called the police but didn't give them his name. Having never been through that before and not understanding that I'd been with a narcissistic abusive man, I was confused & felt it was my fault. Six months later, I've given that man every opportunity to behave like a mature, reasonable adult and to stay away from me. He failed miserably at behaving like a mature, reasonable adult. So I finally did what everyone at the messageboards have told me to do. I called the police, gave them his name, and sought counseling.
Here's how the latest incident began. He started driving by my house again, slowing down to a crawl and then circling the block once more. After the second time he did this, he called me from a pay phone. I picked up (yeah, I know!) and agreed to meet him for what I had understood to be one last goodbye.
When I got there -- out in public, I wouldn't dare meet with him in private -- he kept trying to talk me into going to a hotel room with him. I refused and said that we were done, over, and that he should move on. He said he couldn't move on. He said he wasn't obessed that he just loved me, and he thought about me constantly, and that he knew he'd feel the same way one year from now or five, and that it was just a shame that we weren't together. Sounds like obsession to me, and his words gave me chills.
When I brought up that last incident six months ago, he got very agitated, his face started twitching again and he said that he knew I'd use that "excuse," to stay away from him, that he couldn't believe that I'd called the police on him and that nobody who knew him would believe that I did that to him, that I shouldn't have been that scared, that if I'd just listened to what he'd said that we'd probably have resolved everything. Then he said, "See how calm & rational I am right now?" as his face twitched and he sneered and every word he said dripped with contempt.
When we parted for what I dearly wanted to be the very last time, he smiled and said, "Don't get mad if you see me again."
Damn it. I knew right then it was never going to stop unless I took some serious action.
So that evening I told my husband, who is not abusive and with whom I've reconciled, and he went to the lunatic's house and told him to stay away. He didn't. The next morning at around 5:45 am, someone tapped at my window. I didn't look and a couple of minutes later, I heard someone walk away then drive off. Later that day the lunatic drives up and parks in my driveway and knocks on my door. Fortunately, I'd been expecting this and had all the blinds drawn and the screen door locked. I didn't answer the door. He knocked again and then waited. When I wouldn't come out, he stood by his car. Then he shut the motor off and stood there, waiting. That's when I called the police.
While I was making the call, the lunatic finally drove away, but that didn't matter. When the officer arrived, I told him what had happened and gave him the lunatic's name. He ran it through the computer and did a check on his criminal background. Then the officer told me all the steps I needed to take to get this guy out of my life. This policeman was absolutely wonderful. He spent a good amount of time talking with me, giving me lots of advice on how to be safe. What impressed me most, though, was how concerned he seemed to be about this situation. He's been a cop for a long time and seen it all, so it finally dawned on me how dangerous this situation had become.
While we were out there in my driveway, one of my neighbors and her children walked by. She asked if everything was okay, and I told her I'd tell her about it later, which I did the next day. I didn't give her all the details, but I did tell her this guy was stalking me, that he was dangerous, and I gave her a description of him and his cars. It felt so good to talk about it and to let somebody in my neighborhood know. It made me feel safer. Then she said, "Now that I think about it, the other night I heard someone driving around the block over and over around 11:30, 12:00." The lunatic's car is a very loud sports car. It must've been him. We'd been out somewhere, so we had no idea he'd done that. That's another reason why it's so important to let someone in the neighborhood know. We have to look out for each other.
So that's it. Well almost. I forgot to tell you some of the other things he said that last day. All the classic abuser crap. That I was just a victim, that he didn't think that I'd been abused as much as I thought, that we just had some weird chemistry that caused these incidents to happen, that it took two people to cause an incident to escalate, etc. I just stood there listening to this garbage, not saying anything much because I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as I could. As soon as he took a pause for breath, I made up some reason to leave, and I got in my car and drove off.
The moral of the story is...don't wait to call the police. The very first time he gets physical with you, call the police and tell them what happened. Get out, get counseling, stay away from him. It doesn't get better until you do.

Thanks so much for your help, and thanks so much to everyone here at the message board. I've learned so much in the last six months.
The police have his address, his driver's license and social security number. I haven't heard anything yet, so I don't know when he was taken into custody or how it went. I have people at home keeping an eye on things for me and who will get in touch if there is any info.
All of the police officers that I've spoken with and the magistrate were very, very helpful. I was surprised at how seriously this situation was taken, and they all expressed concern for my safety.
I'll never forget the last words my lunatic ex spoke before I drove away. "Don't be mad if you see me again." That was all I needed to hear to tell me that this had gone much, much too far.