Remind me why I'm doing this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Remind me why I'm doing this...
12
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 5:16pm

I wrote in some time ago explaining my situation. I left my husband after he hit my mom in front of me and my oldest daughter because we wouldn't let him take my daughter with him since he was too drunk to drive. Several things have happened since then that I won't really go into because it would take too long and this is going to be long (sorry)...

Anyway, we are working on a divorce and my husband has agreed to it. Whenever I say I still want to go through with the divorce, he says we still love each other but we're not in love with each other. But he continues to act like we are still a couple. He still wants to talk at least once a day and if I don't call him, he gets depressed. We talk about everyday things like we did when we were married or dating. He is acting so nice, has been working on his anger, plays with the girls when we go to visit (which he hardly ever did before), makes dinner for us when we visit the house or takes us out to dinner, says that he has cut back on drinking and all sorts of other things. He is acting like he did when we first got married and I'm wondering if he really is changing.

I can't do the 'no contact' thing because he's not allowed to be alone with the girls because of an open CPS case I had to call based on comments and actions by my oldest daughter and there is no one to supervise that will keep him from being alone with his daughters. I don't know for sure if he did it or not since he won't take the lie-detector test that will answer the question to either close the case or take it to the next level.

But I just don't know what to do since he is acting so much better. If I go back to him, I can't be sure he will continue being like he is now or go back to the way it was before. He was never as bad as my previous boyfriend (who did everything in the emotional abuse checklist including pulling a gun on me) and really didn't play all the mind games, but he did do certain things from the list. He's never hit me, never cheated on me, he was just controlling through guilt or delay, had a terrible temper and drank too much.

Anyway, can someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing by staying away? Or should I believe that he really is changing and try to work it out?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 5:27pm
If he can't be left unsupervised with the children, then there is no reason that you have to be the supervising person. I am not 100%, but I think it's his responsibility to arrange for supervision if those are the conditions for him to see his children.You should look into your legal rights on this matter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 5:53pm

We haven't done anything legal yet. I haven't even filed any paperwork, just printed it out.

And for a superviser, he would pick his parents and they don't think he did it so would allow him to be alone with the girls. The only way I can make sure he isn't alone with them is to supervise myself. At least until the case is closed...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 5:55pm

Hi hon,


All he's doing is trying to play to your sympathies.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 7:12pm

Valerie,

You are doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing.

I can't say it enough.

Keep us posted, honey.

Elyse

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 8:31pm

Thanks for your help and reminding me!

It really is hard to remember that he won't change when he is acting so nice. Of course I avoid discussing anything that could trigger his anger so he stays happy. (I know, classic abusee response.) I know when I actually fill out the paperwork for the divorce and give it to him, he won't be so nice about it.

If I really think about it, there are still signs he's manipulating me. He tries to encourage our daughter to cry when we leave the visitation, he controls when we visit and will even cancel if he's 'too tired'. I don't even tell our daughters we're visiting until I confirm with him just before we leave so they don't get disappointed. The phone calls are even his control of me (isn't it?), if I don't call, I am made to feel guilty.

I'll probably be back for another reminder, venting or support when I get the divorce paperwork done and ready to deliver.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 8:44pm

Val, do yourself a HUGE, HUGE FAVOR and don't give him the papers yourself.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 7:15pm

You MUST protect your daughters. To the point, this man is not worth jepordizing your life or your daughters. Coming out of a 25 yr marriage to an abuser, beleive me when I can see the writing on the wall. They have sick minds and you
will pay for it if you don't stop it now. Please be safe and I hope I wasn't to crule.

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 6:35pm

Thanks everyone! And you are not being too hard. It is just what I need.

By the way, my oldest daughter brought up something on Saturday...She said she had a stick in her bottom and it hurt. When I tried to find out what she was talking about she said the wind blew it in and the wind blew it out. I asked her to show me where and she pointed to her rectum. I asked her where this happened (gave her a bunch of options because she wouldn't say) and she said at Grammy and Papa's house (his parents). I let her and my other daughter spend the night at their house a couple weeks ago and he stayed as well. I know the girls were sleeping in the grandparent's room so it didn't happen in the middle of the night, but I'm a little concerned. She wouldn't talk about it any more after that and wouldn't let me look so I just gave her a big hug and told her I loved her.

It could be something totally innocent since they took the girls to the park and she may have fell on a stick or something. But why bring it up now?

I can call the CPS officer, but I don't think there will be any evidence again and it will be back to where it was before...waiting for him to take the lie detector test. I'm thinking of calling Grammy to see if she did fall on something and they forgot to tell me...But I'm afraid of tipping them off that she's saying something else. He gets extremely upset whenever talk about the CPS case comes up.

Anyway, any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 7:29pm

Call your pediatrician immediately.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 8:01pm
I agree w/Blue on this one, you NEED to get her to see her pediatrician soon and I mean ASAP.
5yrssm 

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