confused and guessing ... sorry- long

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
confused and guessing ... sorry- long
5
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 9:32pm

Hi -- I am in need of advise and/or putting things in perspective....

I thought that I was finally ready to make the "step" to separate but now all over sudden I am second guessing if it is the right decision to be made. HB (34) and I (32)have been married for 11 years - it was the first for me and the second marriage for him. We started Marriage counseling for the first time a couple of months ago - well he stopped after the second session with the comment" you fix her and you fix this marriage" so I turned the M Counseling into personal Counseling, during one of my sessions the Counselor explained that she thinks that I am Co-dependant and also that he is emotional abusive. Now that she's pointed out several situations that we talked about, the whole picture is coming together. What I don't understand is why I let him threat me this way for such a long time ? ... there was name calling, controll calls, isolation, pushing, making me feel guilty - yet on the drop of a ball he can turn around to be the sweetest guy in the world. I am constantly walking on "egg shells" around him because I never know what will tick him off and the argument is starting. My Personality has changed to the point where I feel depressed, wanting to sleep all the time (not having to deal with anything) and just not in the mood to do anything - not to mention extreme mood swings - yet I don't seem to have the strength to just make a move and get it over with.
I took a huge step and signed for an apartment (fortunatly- I am financially able to take care of myself) - i thought I had everything figured out and that this time "would be it" (tried b4 but never followed through) and now I am sitting here not knowing how to even begin tackling all of this, feeling guilty and selfish for wanting a happier life for myself. Is it fear of the unknown or has he really managed to get under my skin so deep that I lost focus of what it's all about ?
Sorry about rambling for soo long - but it feels good to get it off my chest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 6:42am

Welcome to the board Salome...


First of all from what you described, he fits a lot of the abusive characteristics.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 7:32am

Thank you for your reply cl-wishful.

As crazy a this sounds but I am still getting adjusted to the knowledge that this is an emotional abusive marriage. I was absolutely CLUELESS and thought it was "normal" - if it would not have been for the counselor to point this out I would prob still think the same way - HB was actually the one that suggested counseling. Is it common to go through stages ? .. right now I am just so mad at myself for not defending myself and following through with everything. I don't have any Family support here as my family lives 8000 miles away. This is just draining me emotionally to the point where I just don't care about anything.
Sometimes we are able to have "talks" and I am able to tell him whats going on - well to a point because in the back of my mind there's this "emergency brake" to not open up completely because of what he might say. He is so good with words - it makes your head spin and the end I am questioning my own feelings and opinions - that just adds to my confusion.
I realize that I have a long road ahead of me but reading the other posts also encourages me to make on step closer to the end of the road.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 1:23pm

Salome,

I too want to welcome you. You are here for a reason. Good relationships/marriages do not end up here. It took me 30, 25 married, to be where I am now. Once I gave it a name "domestic abuse" there was no turning back. I wish that no one gives up as many years I did of my life for someone that from the beginning was in it for himself. I am now living, day to day. trying to figure out what to do. As bad as it seams it is still better than having to live in hell. I truly, no I know, if I had stayed I would not be alive. I read two books by Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship " and "Survivors Speak Out" that was the beggining for me and the end for him. Just know that here is the best place to
come and get help. It is saving my life. Be safe and take care,

Luv, Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 5:59pm

Thanks Sherry for your reply

well I received the call that I can have the Apartment for sure (they had to do all their checks etc.) .. I can sign and pay the deposit tomorrow ... and it scares the life out of me.
I keep trying to remind me of everything I had to go through with HB and for some reason not a lot comes to mind ..could it be that I pushed things so far in the back of my head as self protection (to not remember)? is it all just my imagination? am I making a big mistake ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 6:54pm

Salome,

I think we doubt ourselves until "we" decided not to. I have truly decided to block everything out to the pont that I
can't remember anything and then I hit it head on and fall apart. I hate this roller coaster ride that I have been on for
the last 30 years. You are trained to live like this and then you are away from it and you do not know what to do. How
can we "try to be normal" when we don't know what it is. I know that I don't, maybe that is why this is so hard for me
to do at my age. Most "older" women stay if they have been married as long as I was. I now feel like I am living the less
two evils, did I say that right, hope you understand. Just know that here is the best place to find out anything you need
to know and the support you can't find anywhere better. Take care,

Luv, Sherry