Is this verbal abuse? long..sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Is this verbal abuse? long..sorry
8
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:35am
This may be a little long but please bare with me because I really need some help. I have been married for 7 years on the 8th. I have 3 beautiful children. I am 32 and my H is 28. My H is an ex-Marine with PTSD, Mild OCD, and Agoraphobia. I knew this when we were dating and was so in love with him. He was strong, outgoing, full of fun and everyone knew him. He has anger management problems and although we have had some pretty crazy fights, he has never laid a hand on me or our children. I have been looking at a lot of sites that deal with verbal abuse and I am starting to think that I am being verbally abused. This is what happens. Every day he tells me he loves me over and over, he will say that no one could ever love their wife as much as he loves me, if I do not reply with “I Love You too” he will say “ UM, I LOVE YOU”. Most of the time when I say I love you too he will reply with “yea right”, quickly followed by ���I’m just kidding” when he see’s I am annoyed. He does things that he know will bother me because, as he admitted, he loves to see me get all worked up, it’s cute. He constantly teases the kids. Teasing more than showing genuine affection. He is always trying to get someone to watch the kids so we can go out or do things because he insists that they will ruin everything. Here is another example, we had a family picnic recently, I had just had eye surgery three days prior. It was really hot out and he was sweating like mad. He came up and wrapped his arms around me and was hanging on me. I told him nicely that “Sweetie I love you but it’s too hot” and moved away. On the way home he told me that I really embarrassed him and made him really feel like crap. He tells me I don’t give him enough affection. If something is misplaced I lost it or I threw it out. I love him but I am not IN love with him anymore. I have no desire for sex either. I feel like a terrible person. He has problems and I knew it when I started out with him. I don’t want to hate him but there are days when I don’t want to go home except for my children. Were it not for the kids I would have left a long time ago. Am I such a horrible person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 12:40pm
I know exactlly what you are going thru because my abuser treated me the exact same way.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:05pm
Thank You so much for your reply. Part of me knows it is abuse but the other part says he is a good guy, even though the account is in his name, the cars are in his name, I can't buy outfits I like if he doesn't like them, That goes for shoes too. His needs and wants always seem to be first and foremost. If he wants it he will get it. If I say the kids need new socks he says where are all the ones they had, or theyhave enough clothes. Okay, Our son grew 2.5 inches this past year and starts school. Lets send him in waders and old shoes that are too small. My only problem now is figuring out how I can get out of this with 3 kids and the little money I make. What did you do? Do you have any children?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:40pm
No I don't have any children.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 12:14am
He sounds overbearing and annoying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 5:55am

Hi lalapet,

Welcome. He very much sounds like an abusive man. The one trait they all have is doing things that will keep the spotlight on them. The "how much do you love me" or "I'm doing this all for you" is one of their favorite tricks I think. Nothing in their mind is about them. Never is.

You need to start reading resources to learn more about what you need to do. Be prepared for a rough road ahead. He wants your heart and soul and if he doesn't have it all it will get ugly. We are here for you though. As far as the $$$, he will have to pay child support and there are programs out there to help get you back on your feet.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2005
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 6:42am

Hi lalapet! First off, big hugs to you... I know exactly what you are going through. I am 27, I also have 3 children, and am married to a verbally, mentally, emotionally and financially abusive husband. I have been lurking on this board for a while now and I just felt that I had to reply to your message to lend my support. I have posted one message before on the Stay or Go board... heres the link if you want..

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlshouldista&msg=11397.1

That comment you made about having to say "I Love You" as soon as he says it... I can totally relate to that. My husband does the same thing, and it drives me nuts... because of the way he acts towards me and the kids, I simply don't feel love anymore either. You get to the point where you just want to scream "I Hate You" instead. With these guys, its all about their lack of self confidence. By making us feel smaller, they in turn feel stronger. It's all about them, and what we have done to make them feel bad, or angry, or whatever. We do not have to put up with that crap, because in the end, how they feel about themselves is determined by themselves alone, not us. That is one of the biggest things I have had to understand, is that I do not set his mood, he does. No matter what I do or say, he will still find something to pick on, so I might as well just do things and say things the way I feel comfortable.

Your husband also sounds like he is financially abusive. Mine is the same way... if he wants (not needs, even, but wants) something... he's just gotta have it no matter what the cost. We will eat Kraft Dinner at home for a week, as long as he gets that certain item. This is definitely a hard thing to endure.... they always respond with the attitude of "well I make the money, I should decide how it's spent too". This is exactly why we have been evicted from houses in the past... his needs have even come before the rent payment.

I don't know if you've already checked out this website, but it has been immensely helpful (along with this board) in recognizing what verbal abuse really is. The website is www.YouAreNotCrazy.com. I highly recommend it... it has some great info, and even a recording of a real couple arguing. Listening to that was a big wake up call for me... it sounded exactly like what my husband is like when he gets angry.

I hope this made a little sense to you... its 4:30 in the morning and I'm really tired. lol I guess I don't have any real advice for you, as I myself am still trying to make sense out of my own relationship. I just wanted to lend my support and let you know that you are not alone. I feel for you and your children... if you ever want to chat, I'm here.

Frances

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 7:55am
That's an awesome website regarding verbal/emotional abuse.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 11:32am
Thank you for all of your replies. I know what I have to do. I also know it is going to be very difficult. Thank you for the sites I will certainly look at them and use them as I make my plans. It is terrible because last night he was so nice. It makes me think I am mistaken. Then this morning as soon as I wake up he is asking me what my problem is, I was getting dressed for work and never even said a word to indicate I was feeling anything. He just laughed and said “I love you”, to which I mechanically replied “ I love you too”.