CL of another board says this is abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
CL of another board says this is abuse
18
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 7:16am

Hi there. I am a frequenter of the Problem Solving for Couples - Relationship Problems board, and the CL there urged me to post my thread to this board and see what you all thought. If you want some background (and the CL's response), I have a thread there right now (I don't know how to paste the link in!).

OK, I'm feeling really discouraged. Last night I called my bf around 8 and he said he'd be over in a bit. 10 o'clock rolls around and he's still not here. So I called him and asked him if he was still coming over, and he said he'd be over in a bit. I was irritated. When he finally got here at 10:40, I had decided to not bring it up, no big deal (because it wouldn't be very nice if the first thing I said to him when he walks in the door is 'why weren't you here sooner?'). I figured maybe later I would ask him if he could let me know a little more accurately when I should expect to see him.

So he got here and could tell within minutes I was irritated and got mad that I was giving him attitude. I told him I didn't mean to, and then told him (very calmly) that I was irritated because I had been waiting for him for almost 3 hours. He continued to yell about me giving him attitude, so I told him I wasn't going to be a part of this conversation. He got up and yelled that he was leaving then because he can't do anything right - he didn't get here when I wanted him to, he doesn't handle things the way I want him to (these things were said sarcastically). I told him (still calmly - no sarcasm) I wouldn't care that he came over at 10:40 if he would have told me so I wouldn't have been waiting for him. He stormed out saying that I need to learn.

Only once did I raise my voice or say anything that wasn't geared towards resolving - I yelled at him as he was walking out the door that he needs to learn to stop telling me what to learn. I decided last night that I wouldn't call him (because when these kinds of things happen, its usually me who chases him out, or calls him in the morning telling him I could have handled things differently, and getting him to talk about what he could have done differently). I was so hoping (though not expecting) I'd get an apology from him today, but that didn't happen. Is this a silly game that I'm playing (not calling him)? Its possible that he'll be very apologetic when we talk. I just don't know how to handle this so that we can still try to move forward. Any advice?

In a follow-up post from me:

I feel like I should clarify my last message...I don't give a hoot when he came over last night. Its the fact the got so angry and couldn't talk to me about it. He had to get nasty and storm out - he was not even here for ten minutes. It makes me wonder some things. Like, why do I make his so angry? That can't be good. I also wonder, am I expecting him to change his "values" when I expect that he not yell at me and get nasty whenever there is anything even slightly negative in the air? (I've just spent some time reading iamlinkgirl's old thread about compromise vs. changing values). I'm just very concerned and upset and he already knows how I feel; we've talked this to death it seems. He just doesn't think a) that he has a problem with him temper, and b)that its wrong to yell and be "passionate" when fighting. So maybe these are his values and I shouldn't expect them to change?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 11:56am

I think you are on the threshold of a very bad situation. You aren't the problem here and you can't learn how not to make him mad. Please look thru the list of red flags the other host has sent you. I grew up in a nice decent home also and ended up in a abusive marriage because I didn't know that some of the red flags were red flags. I thought we just had relationship problems that needed to be resolved. He may not be abusive, but at the least has no respect for you and that is a deal breaker.

I am also troubled that you would wait and let him in a 10:40 at night when he was supposed to be there at 8. If that were my guy, he would not get a open door especially if he had not called to let me know he was going to be late. You deserve better. You are a lady and deserve to be treated as such.

I too felt like we always argued over the same issue that never got resolved. I thought my ex was looking out for me when in the end he just felt entitled to have control over me. Your boyfriends problems will not get better while you are there. It takes intensive therapy for years to unlearn abuse. I believe abuse is more a sense of they feel entitled to what they want, how they want it and when they want it. You can believe if you stay his demands will increase. He is letting down his guard after 6mths and the true colors are starting to show. Your gut is trying to tell you this and you should listen to it.

Have you known any of his exgirlfriends? How does he talk about them? Most women who say they were abused have been. Just some food for thought.

You are so young. You deserve so much more in a partner. He will only drag you down to a place you don't want to see. Trust Me I Know on This One. I have had to send my husband to jail, watch him brought in court in shackles and now have to watch over my shoulder as I never know if he will hurt or threaten me again. You so don't want to live like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 9:48pm

Hi jb. Thanks for your reply - I really appreciate your insight. I've been looking around this board quite a bit, and my mind tends to flop around from "I'm not being abused - I just need to learn to communicate better" to "This is unacceptable, I have to leave". I haven't heard from my bf in nearly 48 hours, which makes me very sad, but is giving me a chance to think about it rationally. At any rate, you're right - whether or not I'm being "abused", I am being disrespected and that can't be accepted. I'm just scared that will go out the window when I do talk to him - I feel so very sad and I know it would feel so good to just have everything go back to normal (until the next episode). But, I know what I have to do.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 2:05am

Thought I'd pop over with the link to your post so the members here can have all the information: Can you suggest a book for my bf and I?


I normally wouldn't post your link on another board without your permission, but you indicated you didn't do it because you weren't sure how. That, and the fact that you told them where they could find your post told me it was okay for me to do.


I'm really glad to see you here, and I'm glad to know you've checked out the homepage too. There is so much great information there. Huge hugs to you.


**Waving to Blueliner and Wishful -- you guys are great!**


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 6:43am
****Waving back to ya!
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 7:51am

Hi ismileimfine and welcome.

Three hours late and you are to blame for being angry? You are questioning where it is abuse or not. Your story hit me because when I was dating my x, he would pull the same tricks. Show up late and turn it on me when I got mad. The list goes on, just like yours.

You want to know what happens when you stay with a person like that? You end up spending your life around their wants and needs. If you continue to date him, be observant on how it goes when you want to do something he doesn't particulary want to do. Oh, he may do it, but somehow you will pay for it.

Well, I divorced that man after 27 years of marriage. The best thing I ever did. They don't change, you end up changing yourself to please them until there is nothing left of you.

You deserve to be treated with respect and love.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 6:53am
It's not his temper and being passionate that is the problem. It's that you have to put up with whatever he does and shut up also because he is entitled to do whatever he wants and you are not to complain at all(in his mind). If you don't then he yells,doesn't listen, storms out as a means to keep you in line. If this pattern keeps up which it sounds like it will, it is abuse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 6:24pm

Oh dear ): This is long, and mostly me just getting it off my chest.

So my bf has been in the midst of law school exams, and so since the fight we had where he stormed out (in my first post), we haven't seen each other. We've spoken on the phone, once two days after the fight and I told him I needed him to recognize that he has a problem in order for things to improve between us. He kind of admitted that the way he treats me at times is innappropriate, BUT he was certain to add a "but" that our real problem is my obsession with power and control (which he says is about gender and feminism and which I've never heard from him before). So we spoke a couple times after that night, each time only for a few minutes and ending in frustration.

Fast forward to last night, after his last exam. He came over half-drunk and the first thing he did is stick his tongue down my throat, which was not received well. I wasn't mad, but he could tell I was uncomfortable, which made him mad. He said that I have no compassion and that I'm not a supportive gf because I can't be happy at this happy time for him. He left to go to the bar and came back later, full-drunk now. At first things were fine, but then he started making these sarcastic jokes about him abusing me (as if to mock how crazy I am for suggesting that he mistreats me) and my power/gender obsession. I told him that it hurts my feelings when he jokes about those things, and from that point on every word that came out of my mouth was met with his response of "oh, here you go again, have to get the ball back in your court, have to have power again". I was backed into a corner.

He ended up saying some really mean things to me (that he feels sorry for me because I am so deeply troubled, that I'm dumb and mean, that I lack compassion, that I'm not a supportive gf, etc). I told him that if he really felt that way about me, then we shouldn't be together. It was clear that we were breaking up. I went to bed. He didn't have his car at my place, so he stayed in my living room. After laying in my bed listening to him call his old frat brothers for an hour (its now 2 am, and he talks very loud when he's on the phone), I got up to get a sinus pill from the bathroom. He came up behind me, hugged me, started kissing my neck and reaching his hands up my shirt. He was pissed that this confused me, that I couldn't just go with the flow and accept the implication that he was sorry, he loves me, and that he didn't want to fight with me. I told him those things can't be implied. At 4 AM I finally said "let's just forget about it for tonight and go to bed", which we did.

He left town today for 10 days. The thing that gets to me is that while he says he accepts responsibility for the things I tell him, he is still more focused on how I need to fix things than how he can improve his actions. The theme of the entire evening was that I am a power-hungry control freak and that if I can't change, this won't work. I don't get how he turned the whole thing around on me!

But, how do I know that he's not right - maybe I am a control freak, maybe I am unwilling/unable to accept respsonsibility for my innappropriate actions, maybe I should have just been happy to see him. I mean, look at us - we are both saying the other person is primarily the problem - who's to say that I'm right and not him? I'm exhausted (physically and mentally) and don't know what to do. He doesn't seem to want to break up, which gives me this glimmer of hope that he wants to improve. But, he obviously doesn't think very highly of me, so why would he want to stay with me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:28pm

WARNING - this isnt giong to be pretty if you stay with him.


1. He drinks. Have you EVER thought there may be some sort of drinking problem with him? B/c if you have thought so, then its true. & let me tell you from FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE< it only gets worse. & beleive me, combining an abusive controlling domineering egotistical persoanlity like his with alcohol is a recipe for disaster - for YOU.


2. Maybe you are controlling. You knwo what? So am I. & let me tell you a few thinsg i have learned ... the biggest sign of someone who is co-dependant is that they have this sense they need to control. & who do co-dependant women end up with? Abusive alcoholics. Again, take it from me. It SUCKS to live with them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 11:11pm
Even if you are a control freak, you still do not deserve to be mistreated, disrespected and insulted. Which is what he did. If you are a control freak then you have issues to work out, but not while somebody is verbally abusing you. That's a big if, BTW. He puts you down to keep you down so he can be on top.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 12:32am

Thanks, rlch. You sound like you know something about this. To answer your question - I don't think alcohol is a problem for him. He usually doesn't drink until he's drunk - maybe once a month, if that. He does drink beer once a week or so, but usually just one or two. I've never experienced a problem with him+alcohol+abuse before. But, you are right about everything else. Especially that I don't need or deserve this.

Thanks.

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