Now I Am Depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Now I Am Depressed
3
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 1:20pm

This morning my husband was in his …I need to talk and as usual its going to be all about me…mood. He has been claiming for some time now that he is fighting depression and is trying to hold on to his sanity. He usually uses it to threaten me to make me do what he wants me to do. Unfortunately, after all that I have been through with him, I no longer care what happens to him. I still feel guilty saying that, especially as he is the father of my children and for that reason I think he should be around for them. Having said that I will add that he has not been a very pleasant or good person to be around for my children lately either and they are getting fed up too.

I hope I can adequately explain what has been happening. Its going to be difficult and I think it falls under the category of sexual abuse. He wants me to do things in public places that are of a sexually suggestive nature – things that he knows make me at the least very uncomfortable and some even extremely agitated and terrified. This has been going on for a few years and mainly when there are a lot of people around since the whole idea is to have other people see or at least run the risk of other people seeing. And this includes strangers and family members. This is exciting to my husband and as I said causing me extreme anguish.

Last Saturday we had one of those episodes. I can’t go in to details because it is too humiliating for me to put on paper. However, keep in mind that I am a very private person which is what is causing the most anguish. My husband is well aware of how this has affected me. He is using that full on against me. That is what batterers do, right? They find your weaknesses and when they know you can’t do something they are all the more insistent that this is what they need. On Saturday when this latest incident happened and I was so upset, I made the remark that if he loved me then he would not do this to me.

Well, he gave himself a few days to gather his thoughts and this morning is when he decided to reply to that statement of mine. This is how he justifies his disgusting and cruel behavior: He is fighting very hard to get through his depression and these things that he does to me and insists that I do are helping him, in fact they are the only things that he has to hold on to now or else he will go under and he will totally lose his mind. AND… it is all my fault in the first place that he is feeling depressed and on the verge of insanity/suicide because I insisted on having five kids and an expensive house which we can’t handle the expenses on.

Sooo, it is my duty as his wife and helpmate and because I caused his depression to allow him to do these horrific things to me. Don’t you love his way of arguing his case. He is a lawyer after all (if only he would use his skills in court to make some money for his family so that we could pay some of the bills of our expensive house and kids).

All I could do was cry but of course not in front of him because that would have just brought an angry response from him. I could not defend myself by reminding him that he was an unhappy and depressed person before he met me (which he has told me many times) and that the house is so expensive because of the home equity loan that he used to pay bills instead of earning the money to do so and that I have worked for 30 years to take some of the pressure off of him and that I also have spent many hours working in his office and that I never expected him to work more than 40 hours a week and he didn’t need to to meet our expenses. And that my kids and I are perfectly willing to sell the house as soon as possible and move to a condo where we will not have a mortgage and where we can have a much easier life (and he won’t have to work because he doesn’t anyway). Yes, it was my dream to have a big family and of course I can’t sell my kids but I get great financial aid since he doesn’t make any money and my kids get loans so college is not that expensive and two of them are out of college and will be supporting themselves soon.

I never imagined that at this stage of my life that I would have to put up with such garbage. I see other couples our age and I know a truly loving man would have respect for his wife and never, ever ask her to do such things. Oh, and by the way, when I gently tell him that he can get help for his depression from a doctor he gets angry and tells me that I am trying to get a stranger or pills to do what is supposed to be my job.

I cried because I know what this means… that I will have to submit to all the ugly stuff that he wants me to do because if I don’t then I don’t care about him and am willing to just let him suffer and go crazy or die. Tell me please what would you do? I know I have to leave him and I am planning to but how should I handle this situation in the meantime? I can’t use any reasonable argument since reason doesn’t work on these guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 2:07pm

Hun, I'm not sure what to tell you. You know this is not your job right? You should not have to submit to his public demands or face another dark mood from him. What he is doing could probably be considered rape. Not to mention if you would get caught by the police out is public what would happen there.

Do you have access to a DV women's shelter? They could put you up for a little while until you get your own place, kids and all. I know shelter sounds like a bad thing, but they really aren't I go to one every week for counseling and they are really nice and comfy. They have people who can work on transitioning you out to your own apartment and even help get the divorce papers going.

Please keep posting and let us know you are alright. I am worried for you.

Love and Lots of Hugs,
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 5:14pm

God, honey, I am so sorry he is doing this to you. He knows how bad this is, that's why he's doing it. I'm sure he also wants you to believe you "participated" so you'll be unable to ask for help. But you have asked. Keep up the momentum. I would suggest a call to a shelter. A rape crisis center may be even better, because they may have tighter confidentiality. Tell them you have an immediate need for EXTREMELY confidential legal advice.

About his "depression": if he were so depressed because of you and the kids, he would leave. So he's not really that depressed. He's just abusing. And you're right; you cannot talk your way out of this unless "No" and "The subject is closed" are viable defenses for you. You're going to have to go behind his back and get help. The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network has a hotline that's available 24/7. They can steer you to resources in your area. 1-800-656-HOPE. Meanwhile, can you avoid being with him in public for a few days? I mean to the point of faking sick so he can't take you out and violate you. Would that be safe?

Please do all you can to protect yourself. We're here, hoping and praying. keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 6:12pm

You don't have to submit to anything. You still have the power to say no. Your body is yours and yours alone, and you don't have to do anything against your will. If he tries to force you, then it's time to call the police.

Your husband is a mess, and it's not your fault. When he starts droning on and on about how awful his life is and blaming everyone but himself, just tune him out and start planning your escape. Don't listen to another word the guy says. You can nod and fake it, but don't let the words he says sink in. Gather your strength because you're going to need it.

You sound like a very caring, compassionate, hard-working, responsible person. You deserve much better than to be constantly abused by him.