help me someone please i dont even know

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
help me someone please i dont even know
2
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 8:42pm

Hi, I would love to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation. I want to know if he is lying to me. First off, some background info. I am 26, he is 24, we've been together for over 3 years, his longest relationship. We have lived together off and on throughout the relationship. One year into it, we got pregnant and had an abortion. We have been through other difficult times as well. He has always said he would never cheat on me, but then at times, he makes comments about other women, etc. He has been emotionally abusive. But I don't think he is the cheating type. I have always thought he was very honest, actually too honest, hence the emotional abuse. I am very codependently in love with him.

Two months ago, he beat the crap out of me. Yes, I did start the fight. I was drunk and was mad at him, but he went balistic on me. I had about 20 bruises, no broken bones or anything like that. I had him arrested. I moved out, into my parent's house, which I hate. Two days after the incident, I get an email from him, despite the no contact order. The email told me everything I wanted to hear from him, how sorry he was, how I'm the love of his life, etc. So, since that was really the first physical episode, I take him back. I had been crying, broken hearted. We spend the next two months, getting along great almost all the time. Although he claims (and has claimed throughout the relationship) that I am smothering him. He says I want to spend too much time with him. Well, of course at this point, I'm spending a lot LESS time with him because we aren't living together anymore. I am worried about him cheating. I am worried that he's only being nice to me so I will go to bat for him at court.

Last Wednesday is the court date where he can get a plea bargin. I talk to the prosecutor, his defense attorney, tell them how I started the fight and how some things in the police report are inaccurate. They let him plead guilty to a disorderly conduct. He is very happy about that, because of the federal law that states that someone with a domestic assault charge can't own a firearm and can't go hunting.

So we have a little celebration. I'm feeling good because I think I finally have a man who is going to act right and treat me right. We only see each other a couple times a week. I am not working right now, but I'm collecting unemployment, and I actually make more money than he does, although he works. Last Tuesday, I wake up and he is mad at me for sleeping in and not looking for work. He tells me that he has been hit on by other women. He does not want to have sex with me. He leaves without kissing me goodbye. Although we make up that afternoon, later on that evening, it is the same thing. He says I am boring. He wants me to leave. I don't leave, I spend the night, the next morning he leaves without kissing me goodbye.

Now it is the weekend, and he has the weekend off work. He does not want to see me. He says I bother him. Do you think he is cheating on me? Was he lying to me that whole time just so I would get him out of the domestic assault? Has anyone ever had their man do that before?

I am so confused. I am not afraid of him hitting me again, because next time, he will be screwed and probably go to jail for a long time, and I know he hated jail.

I am just worried that he is cheating on me. Of course, you all don't know him or the specific details of our situation. How can I tell if he is cheating on me? Do I stalk him? How do I find out the truth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 11:44pm

Hi Lisa, I'm really glad you decided to post here.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 12:15am

First, let me say that many things you described sound familiar to me. I really understand what you are going through in struggling with this as well as what has happened to you. But my opinion is that it really doesn't matter if he is cheating on you or not. That I couldn't say, but what you DO know, what is FACT, is that he abused you. He is on a destructive path and if you follow, it is at the risk of allowing him to tear you down. Sorry if it sounds kind of harsh, but I just see no questions here about whether he abuses or not. And he doesn't seem to see that, so he will do it again. In my opinion you should not wait for it to happen again.

But if you still wish to understand the habits of a cheating man, I can tell you from my experience.

I NEVER thought AHL was the cheating type. He was abusive, but he always was focused on me (never mind in a bad way). I can't tell you how often he said other women were hitting on him, but that he resisted. He also said I was boring and that he may one day find himself with another woman because of my apparent incredible boringness (never mind why I am boring, it is too ridiculous a reason to describe). But he always reminded me on how he NEVER cheats. Later I found evidence that he had been cheating several times throughout a 9 year marriage, as well as a 4 year relationship before that. If a woman hit on him, I am sure he went for it. (Ok, kind of getting bitter and nasty here) Unfortunately for him he is kind of homely and didn't get that too often. Maybe 4 times during the relationship? When I left, I left because of abuse, not because of cheating. And I was actually hoping desperately the last 3 years that he WOULD cheat on me and run away with another woman (cheating ONLY if he ran away though!). It would have been an uncomplicated way out for me. Unfortunately he would cheat, but still hung onto me because I was his sure thing and his source of whatever he needed. I had to run away myself to get out of it.

So I hope something I have said helps. I think that though you might be alone for sometime after leaving a guy, you would find someone who was completely worth that time later on, and one who will treat you like someone very special.