abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
abuse?
6
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 12:49am

I reconciled with an x-bf a while back. The first weekend we spent together was very nice at first...but when I mentioned how concerned i was about how much he was smoking, he layed into me later that evening, saying that i had ruined the entire weekend and wasted the thousands of dollars he spent on the trip. He basically witheld any affection, gave me the silent treatment, refused to be in the same room with me, etc. No amount of apologizing or explaining myself made a difference. When I finally convinced him to lay down, he said he just wanted to watch tv. I didn't care what we watched. I just wanted everything to be alright. When he turned it onto a comedy rerun and I started laughing at some of the funny parts, he said he wasn't going to watch the *(^(&^) and he was leaving to watch what he wanted on TV. I begged him to stay by explaining that I really didn't care what we watched as long as we were together. Anyway, the only thing that seemed to make him happy was sex. After that, no more mention of the argument.

Fast forward to a few weekends ago, when he invited me to his house. We again had one pretty good day and night. The next morning, he wakes up early and goes to the living room. Turns on the TV. I am awake, too, so I put some clothes in the washing machine and take some out of the dryer. When I walk into the living room with the clean clothes, he rages at me about how I won't let him get any rest and how I am giving him dirty looks like a hunchback (or something derogatory I can't remember). I am hurt, but I just say that I look the way I always look and I'm not trying to keep him from resting. When I start folding the clothes, he barks at me and orders me to leave him alone--go back into the bedroom. I am extremely upset now, but I do as he wishes. He follows me and slams the door behind me. I am so upset that I decide to stay in the room all day so I don't have to deal with him. Later, when he realizes this, he comes into the room and tries to make light of the situation and says he doesn't want me trapped in the room all day long. He doesn't apologize even though I tell him he owes me an apology. I decide not to leave the room yet. When I close the door behind him this time, he opens it. I close it again. He opens it again. I give up finally.

To put this in some context, this same guy cooks great meals for me and buys me nice gifts, etc. So it's very Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde stuff.

I finally broke up with him after the weekend was over, but I am honestly still questioning my sanity. If anyone has some words of wisdom, I would appreciate them.

Avatar for debbe1959
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
In reply to: beeskneeskneesbees
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:40am
Well bkkb, It looks like stage 1& stage 2 of the abuse cycle to me!There is a great website I want you to visit, ok? type in: www.youarenotcrazy.com and read about the signs of abuse listed and then ask yourself if these signs are recognizable in your situation. Also, read some books from our News and Resources list. I am very happy that you broke it off with him, but unless you back up your decision with some "boundaries" you will leave yourself wide open for a repeat and possibly an escalation to physical violence-- please do not take his calls as most abusive men will call again if they think there is even a small chance that they can weasle there way back into your life! Arm yourself with the attitude we here have adopted---NO CONTACT!!!! I hope you check out the suggestions I have mentioned and post again if you want to! We care here very much about the success of every woman on her way out of abusive relationships and pray that they become able to avoid these types in their future! God bless you and keep you in His safe arms, deb
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
In reply to: beeskneeskneesbees
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 1:49pm

Actually, I am ashamed to admit that I had previously been in a relationship with this same person a few years ago. I broke it off with him and sought him out again. :( I thought maybe I had misremembered what happened or exaggerated it all. Wow about the cycles. I googled for the cycle of abuse and it perfectly describes the way things happen between us. Everything will be perfectly fine, going okay. Then an explosion that I can't fix. Then the eggshells.

Thank you for your post. He has already called me, asking me to call him back. But I'm done this time for good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
In reply to: beeskneeskneesbees
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 8:13pm

I'm really thrilled for you!

Good move, beesknees -- keep up that no contact!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: beeskneeskneesbees
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 8:47pm

If he keeps calling you, put him on callblock.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: beeskneeskneesbees
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 4:56am
I say, you broke up with him once for a REASON ... & now you were smart enough to do it again. Dont 2nd guess youself. R~
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
In reply to: beeskneeskneesbees
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 10:17pm
I think he's been calling me, waiting for me to answer, then hanging up. His number comes up as private. It's really creeping me out. It's happened twice today. I called the phone company, but they say there's nothing they can do because of the type of line I have. :( Anyway, I'm just creeped out. Ugh.