can't breathe, can't stop shaking...
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can't breathe, can't stop shaking...
| Wed, 08-10-2005 - 1:26pm |
i can't breathe, i shake, the pain in my chest is sometimes unbearable. the pounding of my day to day migraine is the only thing reminding me i still exist. i hate the mirrors, the reflections. i look no one in the eyes. i go as far as not lookig in the mirror unless it is for make up, and at that, i still cry b/c i do not like what i see. i get called hot, beautiful, etc- but does it matter? it's not coming from H. the one person it matters where it coms from. i get so mad. but yet if i try to describe how i feel it is b/c i made the problems for myself. i can't eat, sleep, function, all i do is cry, hyperventilate, my chest constantly hurts. i keep messing up at work. i love those 3 kids dearly, and would do anything for them, i just am so damn tired! i work about 50 hrs a week, last week was 60. ironically, if he didn't get enough sleep he will go in late, spend all the money that i make, he makes nothing. he'll overexaggerate the kids and use them against me (they brush their teeth but says i don't brush their teeth and they have cavities (i work nights and found he was not always brushing them etc)and only one has a cavity. but makes me shudder and cry so hard i am gasping for breath. what can i do? i literally hate sex now. i do not want to be touched. i want hugged and unsexually touched. does that make sense? i am 27. i should not be this bad. i had a friend that works with me last night just playing with my long hair. nothing sexual- just that. it was so nice to just not have to worry about doing anything and getting criticized. getting a compliment or hug there is just so innocent i am starting to relax and not get those extreme migraines everyday. but it is coming from the wrong ppl. but what can i do? he is dr. jeckyll my hyde exactly! i feel like i walk on glass around him. i freak out whn it is about the time for him to come how i quickly tidy up, clean, etc, for him?! yet when i come home from work it is a mess. i work double his hrs, i clean the house, pay the bills worry about the bills! he just lives here and criticizes me and what do i get out of anything? nothing..

Honey, please call the national DV hotline ASAP - 800-799-SAFE.
CL-Blueliner4
Hun,
I agree with the others that you are in a bad place. Your health worries me. Please take time for yourself and see a doctor. Tell him what is going on. When I told my OB last year what was going on and how I felt he put me on Zoloft and it really helped. I didn't feel drugged, just like I could think without all the emotion. That helped me to see and make decisions with a much clearer head. I think the stress and anxiety are starting to take a toll on you and I worry that you will become sick and then who will be there for the kids.
-Jennifer