Would you call this 'abuse'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Would you call this 'abuse'?
3
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 10:30pm

This is really long but I really want to know if my husband would be considered verbally abusive - I want to give a complete picture. I hope someone has the time to read this.
I have been married for 5 years and have two children ages 4 and 1. We dated for 2 years before getting married and our relationship was a normal one in the beginning. My husband was affectionate and loving. We fought in the beginning as does everyone and I remember if he hurt my feelings or made me cry he would feel bad and try to comfort me. Well, that was then and this is now:
It has been such a gradual process - his criticisms. The first thing I remember was him telling me that my hair was very frizzy and sort of suggestion I do something about it. It came across as constructive. But over time the "constructive criticism" became more frequent and meaner. After my first child was born he would call me a "wide load" and tell me that I still looked 6 months pregnant. One day I was playing with my son who was only 4 months old and my husband was video taping us. Without my realizing it he had zoomed in on what he perceived to be a double chin. Later when I watched the video I was humiliated. I told him my feelings and I do think he felt bad. But the criticizing never stopped and has only gotten worse. Examples of things he says: One day we took the kids to the park and took turns running. When I got done with my run he said, "Your hair looks disgusting, your belly bulge really shows in this outfit and you look like a total idiot while you are running." This is normal. These put-downs are sometimes more subtle even just a look and sometimes not but I don't think a single day will go by without some disapproval of me on his part.
He also will frequently discuss good-looking women he sees on TV or out in public. Just furthering the idea that I am somehow not good enough.
He is no longer affectionate unless it is for sex. Occasionally he will compliment me in a very indirect way. He'll tell someone else that I am a good cook or he said once his friend was nervous around me because I was a good looking woman. These comments are few and far between. He wrote on a dry-erase board "I love you" once this year but other than that he no longer says he loves me. If I cry because he hurts my feelings he is totally unaffected.
I am a stay-at-home mom and he keeps a very tight reign on the money. I have a specific budget and if I go over it he becomes very angry. He never understands when I tell him where the money goes - it is always my fault no matter what.
He makes negative comments about my family constantly. It annoys him that I call them so much. He thinks they are all idiots.
Once we went on a trip to the city where I grew up and met my childhood best friend. It was a total nightmare. The whole time I was made to feel so ashamed of my old house, my old school, my old friend. Just the other day we were having an innocent discussion about where to send our son to school and he brought it up saying I can't compare it to where I grew up because I "didn't live in the best of neighborhoods". Which, by the way, is not true - my neighborhood was fine. But status is important to my husband and middle class isn't good enough.
My husband also tells me frequently that I have a low IQ. When I tell him that is not true he says, "there is no way it is over 110." But I've been tested and it is 128. ANYWAY - over time I have slowly begun to doubt myself. I once thought of myself as an attractive, intelligent, caring woman. But now . . .I'm not so sure. He really has gotten under my skin. I don't think of myself in that way anymore.
There are times when I will verbalize all of this to him and point out to him how mean he is to me and although he doesn't say anything at the time I do notice he'll let up a bit over the next week or so - but always we end up back in the same place.
I feel so sad because I want a good marriage. I want to be loved. I want to feel like I have a companion, a friend in life. But now I never feel relaxed around him. I am always mentally checking myself over: Is my hair behind my ears (he hates it), Is my hair frizzy (his biggest pet peeve), don't let the kids have food on the couch (he tells me I'm careless), speak in a nice voice to the kids (he says I snap at them too much and that I'm gonna f** them up), be veeeeery veeery careful in the car (once he found a pen mark on the leather and went off on me about how stupid I am). The list is endless. When he has a few days off from work I feel good because it is nice to have company but at the same time I am holding my breath wondering what sort of mood he'll be in.

So, I better stop here or no one will read this. I guess I just want to know is this "verbal abuse" or is this just a normal but annoying husband? Please don't tell me the only hope is to get divorce because that is not an option for me for a variety of reasons.

thank you for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 10:59pm

Yes, honey, it is. I have no doubt that he is.

Your husband sounds like a mean bully.

As much as you want him to be a loving husband, he's not and he probably won't ever be. This is the real him, unfortunately.

You sound like a very nice, caring person. Perhaps you could consider being this wonderful person outside of this marriage by leaving him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:41am
It is abuse. What a horrible way to live.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:25am

It's definitely abuse. I recommend that you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, both written by Patricia Evans. These books will help you recognize verbal abuse & give you some strategies to deal with it. However, don't let your husband know that you're reading them. He's not going to get it, and he'll only feel threatened.

If you can't leave this relationship, then at least you can build yourself back up again. Please contact a domestic abuse shelter near you and get into counseling. Read all you can on these messageboards, too.

As for now, if I were you and I couldn't leave the relationship, the second he started criticising me, I'd tell him right away to "Stop it!" You don't have to listen to his crap. And that's just what it is. What he's saying to you is total garbage. If he won't shut up, then leave the room, leave the house. Tune the guy out.

There is strength is knowledge. The more you learn, the stronger you'll get. And this is a great place to start!