What's wrong with me???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
What's wrong with me???
1
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 11:41pm

I have been with, I'll call him S., for 10+ years....we are not married. I have four daughters, 2 from a previous relationship who are 18 and 20, and 2 with S., who are 5 and 8. I also have an 11 month old grandson who lives with us, too.

I'll try to make this as short as possible. This basically began in 1997 when S. switched from a second shift job to a first shift job, thus enabling him to be home each night. My 2 oldest daughter were 10 and 11. He became very verbally abusive to them over the usual kid stuff....wet towels in their bedrooms, messy bedrooms, you know all the things that ALL kids do, but he feels it's exclusive to my kids only. He swears, screams in their faces (he's a former Marine, boot camp drill sergeant!!) Over time, of course, this began to effect our relationship.....to be blunt how could you be intimate with someone who treats your children that way??? But he doesn't understand this either! He started becoming very verbally abusive with me, as well. To make a long story short, I got a restraining order against him in 1999 and again in 2002, both times going back......as I just could not tolerate the way he would get to me through our two youngest daughters when he had them for his visits.

Needless to say, this has certainly taken its toll on my two oldest daughters, as they've been subjected to this for 8 years now. I am so ashamed of myself due to the fact I feel responsible for how I have "enabled" him to treat them.

Last week he started in on my 20 years old, and she called the police on him after he charged at her and began yelling in her face....I honestly thought he was going to hit her! She was able to get a RO on him and he had to leave until their court date the next day. However, due to her age and the fact she is no longer a minor, the court will not enforce him remaining away from the house, even though the judge did have very harsh words for him in court. He also lied to me about what happened in the courtroom, of course, and claimed my daughter said things that she never did.

Now my 20 year old and my 18 daughter and her baby will not come home and live in this crazy house....can't say I blame them. However, I do not think it's fair that my daughters are now the homeless ones while he gets to remain here. He has never been physically abusive, but I almost wish he would, so that I can press charges against him. I know my older girls are adults now, but it is so not fair. I need to get my own place for all my girls and my grandson's sanity, but I'm such at a loss as to where to begin.

The previous 2 times I've had a restraining order against him he is so conniving in court (the second time he was even able to have it thrown out due to his lies!!) I just don't know why I can't be strong enough to leave once and for all.

Thanks for listening. :)

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:13am

There's nothing wrong with you. Leaving is hard and anyone will tell you that it takes most women several tries to finally be done with it. You at one time loved your husband and wanted to make things work. That's a good thing. And you must have done something right as your oldest was able to stand up for herself and get the RO against him.

Maybe start with getting some information from here and thinking out a plan of how to leave and what you need to do to make it happen. I know I found it helped to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

-Jennifer