Example of how my husband speaks to me
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 08-11-2005 - 4:48pm |
I put this in my respone to my original thread - abusive relationships.
But I thought I also post it in a new one to see if anyone can relate
to this.
Living with my H is like I am going crazy. It is so hard to explain.
It's his facial expressions, attitude, just the lack of respect. I
don't know how to explain how I feel. I think what is wrong with me?
Let me give you an example: We were having a cook out, the house needed
to be cleaned and we were going to do it together. So the day of the
cookout arrives and I started on the house but my neighbor called and
wanted to know if I wanted to use this stuff on the lawn to help with
the bugs. So I said sure. So as my H was working on the house I told
him that I was going outside to work on the lawn. After I was finished
I asked my neighbor if they needed help with the tables I would help
them (joint picnic). So they said sure later. I went in the house and
my H was cleaning and I said that I offered our help with the tables.
My H said your not going to help them until you finished your work in
this house. You said that you were going to help and you haven't done
a thing. I said - I was outside working what do you mean? It's not like
I was just sitting around doing nothing. I didn't say we had to move
them right now anyway and I was going to do some work. Even if we moved
them now what is the big deal? Don't remember much what else was said.
I was just hurt. This kind of stuff goes on all the time. But at the
same time he is nice and I'm so confused. He doesn't hit or throw things
and he doesn't call me names. So what is this? He doesn't understand
how his actions, reactions and words hurt.
When I tell him they hurt me he dismisses it. My mom once told me
she didn't like the way he talked to me sometimes and I told him. He
said he is a grown man and no one is going to tell him how to talk.
This was 2 years ago.
Gal

Hi Gal,
This is all very true to form of most abusers, down to the "no one is going to tell me how to talk."
CL-Blueliner4
I agree with you, Blue, that it is such a stark contrast. I have been dating someone for 4 months now and although there are times that we have a disagreement, the way in which it is resolved feels so much more healthy to me than when I was with STBX. I'm not going to point fingers and say that STBX was abusive, because he has asked me in the past to not call him that so I won't. Perhaps it's a compatibility thing, perhaps it's a meshing/blending of more alike personality thing. I dunno. But I'll give you an example of a disagreement that my new man and I had today and what happened afterward. I wanted to share. :)
I asked him if he was available XX day to get me to a temp agency.
He said he wanted to make sure his kids could be watched by his mom.
I wanted him to not miss out on time with them and thought it would be ok if he brought them - my kids would be in daycare.
He disagreed.
I didn't like the premise on which he wanted his kids in daycare (long story), I saw no problems with him bringing them and doing something in town while I was at the temp agency.
He said that he'd ask his mother and get back to me.
But in the meanwhile, I told him why I didn't like his premise and he got defensive.
But didn't call me names, didn't put me down, just stated how he felt.
It was quiet on the phone line, I was on my lunch break, I needed to head out. He knew that - and so when I said, "Did you want me to let you go"?
He said, "Yeah".
So I said, "Bye".
And he said, "Bye".
So after I leave for where I need to go, he calls twice at my home phone. Leaves a very heartfelt apology on the answering machine and said that he was tired, he had been cranky all day but those were excuses and he wanted to be accountable for his defensiveness. That he didn't want to hide behind excuses.
He also tried to call my cell right after he tried to call my home and I couldn't take his call b/c I was otherwise engaged.
So after I had finished up my obligations, I gave him a call from my cell.
And we were able to talk about other things, knowing that it wasn't the right time to finish talking about the other. So we arranged a time to talk after I was able to get home and his STBX would get his kids and have them for the night.
So I did - I called him an hour before we said we'd talk, he didn't even *bring* that fact up (that I was an hour early) and was open and ready to talk about earlier. And I calmly told him some of the things he said in defense that I wasn't that pleased with and he again said he was sorry. We talked about what some of his stresses were, what some of mine were, and we bonded on the phone for 2 hours, because I had called at 4 and we hung up a little after 6. He hung up because he had to shower and put a few hours of work in to get a bigger paycheck to pay off some more bills. I was able to have my oldest and youngest go outside right when we got home and the middle
Thanks again. It is so refreshing to talk to people who
understand and have experienced this type of relationship.
I am going to start a journal and write down my feelings.
I am going to look to see if the bad times out weight the good times.
That is great advice. Never thought of it that way. I guess
he doesn't have to run around being mean all of time to treat
me like crap most of the time. (not sure if that made sense)
Gal
Hi Gal,
I recently posted under the "differing libidos" message board. FYI, the subject was "sex and threats".
What you described sounds like my husband. I recently discovered a site on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorders). I would suggest you read up on this, because I could swear my husband has this! The emotional abuse you feel is absolutely frustrating and debilitating. You feel you can do nothing right and even if you do, he will focus on something else that you've missed in order to bring you down. I've only been married 2 months and I fear I have made a mistake. Don't ask why I went through with it...probably because he has alot of good things going for him and when he is in a good mood...he can be the sweetest person. Still...I like your idea of keeping a journal...sounds like something I should do.
I would be interested to know if you think your husband has this disorder. Also sounds like he has a rather unhealthy relationship with his mother. Mine has NO relationship with her...he can't stand her. These are deep scars that I know have alot to do with how he views and treats me.
Anyway, just wanted to respond.
stumpedtoo
Stumped too,
You know I've thought about BPD. I really should look more
into that. His relationship with his mother is good. It
is his father. From what I gather from my H and his entire family,
is that his father use to be abusive to his mother. He would
go to football games when they were little and drink beer.
And they would be afraid that the littlest thing when he got
home would set him off. It wasn’t just when he was drinking
though. Because he really doesn’t now anyway. It’s just
his personality. No one in the family really goes into detail.
My FIL doesn’t seem to be like that now but he isn’t always the
nicest either. My H’s mother said that she just doesn’t take
his crap like she use too. His mother has even told me that she
stayed for the kids and if she had to do it all over again she
wouldn’t. Sometimes my H will talk the way he does and she will
say that he is his father. She also said that was what she had to
put up with all these years with my FIL. My H’s parents don’t
show any respect towards each other. Or maybe my FIL never showed
my MIL respect and in turn she does the same. Because I feel that
now I treat my H like I don’t care anymore. Like I am almost like
him. I don’t know if my H had BPD or if it is a learned behavior.
Like I confronted him this weekend about how he says things to me.
He says that all I do is bitch at him. That nothing he does is
right in my eyes. So I end up feeling like the bad guy in the end.
It’s just so frustrating. I do believe, like I said above, that I
have gotten to the point that I just don’t care and do treat him
differently than I did say 2 years ago. But I told him that years
of him trying to say things just to prove I’m wrong, or hurt my
feelings have made me hard. He said that the people who see him
don’t see me full time. Don’t see how I can be a pain. I said
that all relationship have their moments. That him and I can be
pains to each other, but it is how you resolve them that is the key.
You can’t be mean on purpose. Anyway, I can’t go on because I could
take up 3 pages of us going back n’ forth. It makes me crazy.
Anyway, If you would like to email me where we can talk futher,
please do. We seem to have the same problems and it is nice to
talk to someone going through the same things.
Is it your H mother or does he not talk to her because of maybe the
lack of respect his father shows his mother?
Gal
Hey all -
I just wanted to throw a quick note out here in regards to mental issues and abuse.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi Gal,
My husband basically has not had a conversation with his mother (outside of greeting her at his grandfathers funeral) in about 10+ years. He can't stand her. Apparently she emotionally abused him and his siblings, manipulated them, tried to control them, accused him and his father of molesting his sister, had her boyfriend beat on him and his brothers, etc. This is just the tip of the iceberg! She sounds like a completely horrible person, since I have never met her! She now lives alone in an animal ridden apartment, smokes heavily and has Multiple Sclerosis. My H doesn't want anything to do with her, despite the fact that all his siblings have managed to somewhat forgive her and have some interaction with her. She wasn't invited to our wedding and he wrote her to tell her why.
His father is another confusing relationship. Growing up he was actually a very loving and positive influence in his life, but at 14 it's like he snapped, kicked my H out of the house by telling him one day that he was being moved into an apartment. He stopped showing affection to him.."he was too old for that now" and basically became a bit of a cynical and sarcastic a*#*hole. He didn't even congratulate us on our engagement, didn't offer to involve himself in any way with our wedding and put up barrier after barrier so he never met my parents prior to the wedding day. This from a person who was married 3 times and has 7 children! Even then, he didn't even bother getting up to say anything about my H or me because he thought "everyone was too drunk"...which was completely absurd (it was an afternoon wedding and there was alot of wine leftover from the bottles placed on the tables). At most people were feeling relaxed...but no drunken stupors!
Anyway, I am still looking into BPD, only because it has some good suggestions for non-BPD people when it comes to dealing with someone so hard to figure out and because it feels like I am walking on eggshells at times. I never know what is going to upset him.
If you would like to continue sharing your experiences via this website, that would be great. The email I have, I share with my H and the other is for work. Please tell me more...how long have you been married? Does any of the descriptions I mentioned above have any relevance to your H?
Stumptedtoo
I know my H is completely scarred and never really had a proper childhood, does not feel cared for or loved by his parents and although he keeps in touch with his siblings..sometimes he gets extremely frustrated with them because of their lack of effort to maintain what little bit of family they have left.