profile for AHL
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| Sun, 08-14-2005 - 2:05am |
Oh please let me take up on the idea of making a profile for AHL.......
Headline: Looking for well off, naive ladies.....
I am a 5'10" 35 year old balding guy with a receding hairline streak right up the middle of my forhead. What is left of my brownish, thick, rather greasy hair is pretty much grey now. It started back when I was 25 (both the hair loss and grey) but really makes me look distinguishing. I like people to think I am older than I am anyway. I have a very big, crooked nose and unremarkable hazel eyes that are set far apart and are a bit too small for my face. My neck is short and thick, and one leg is noticibly shorter than the other. It causes an obvious limp when I walk, though I am not physically limited, so please don't feel sorry for me. I have a very stalky build and tend to put on weight rather fast. Perhaps that is caused by my late night computer game playing (I love war games and fantasy roll play, do you?) while eating several large chocolate bars dipped in peanut butter, while drinking 6 or more beers and smoking drugs.
Now that I have tempted you with my sex appeal, let me tell you about my magnetic personality. I am a true romantic. I love to rescue women players on ultima or mechwarrior from mean guys that would kill them, and then to have long message talks with them online. I sincerely hope none of them were really guys in women's characters, because I have a phobia of that. It is part of my denial about myself, since I have a secret (don't tell anyone, I don't think even my ex knew) love of women's clothing. I am a bit agressive, but I like to describe it as macho. I am an ex soldier. Nevermind that I have never been in battle before and it was only the national guard one weekend a month, I am still a born soldier. I also describe myself as a born killer (are you impressed with my machismo yet?) and have occasionally threatened people, including my ex, with horrible acts. But let me assure you, I have only occassionally acted out on those threats and only to my ex, my previouse girlfriend before that, a couple times at a bar, and a girl trying to proposition my and steal my wallet at 1am in the morning in a girly bar neighborhood. I occassionally break things in violent fits, but only things I think you won't need anyway. We can always replace them. Oh wait, I don't like spending money on you or things you will enjoy as well, so scratch that.
What do I do for a living? I am a qualified casino security guard. My ex worked me into a very high paid job the last two years, though I only annoyed the staff with my incompetence. I lost that position but used it to get another high paid job, unknown to my ex, so don't tell her. It's about time people gave me what I deserved. If I lose this job too, you just need to make enough money for me to keep socking away money towards me and support us as well.
The ideal girl for me would be a well off (money is very important to me), but rather naive one so she doesn't walk out by the first date. I tend to show my colors at the very get go, and my chances of finding another young 18 year old are slim to nothing unless I can buy her off with gifts in the beginning phase. I would rather avoid that though because I want to sock away my money (and hers) for my future. I would love to have more kids. I have one, but the ex threw me out of the house and refuses to let me see him unsupervised. What a *&#$*% huh? So I have refused all support and visits because I am not the type of guy who can be pushed around. It is my way or no way. (are you still impressed with my machismo?) If we have more kids, trust me, I will do everything possible to avoid spending any money on support to the ex, so don't worry about that. I will allow you to use the money you make to buy the kids things, but only after I have skimmed what I want from your paycheck. Don't expect to get mine, because I don't share my money.
On our first date I would propose taking you out to a nice restaurant while I gaze into your eyes, in an obsessive way, until you feel mighty uncomfortable. Once you pay the bill for the food (but absolutely do not make it look like you paid, give me the money like my ex did on our first date) we can go for a walk while you hold my sweaty hands. Sorry about the sweat, but I get nervous on dates. I am terrified you will figure me out too soon and be gone. I am a gentleman and so won't treat you like a tramp right off, but after 2 or 3 dates, I figure you will like it and I will be all over you in embarrassing ways in public. But hey, all the other girls will think you are so lucky for the attention and the guys will think I am a stud. A bit after that and my ideal date will be drinking alone in the bar without you, at least until you come to pick my drunk #$$ up, or playing on the computer drinking and using drugs. But don't worry, I have a very convincing list of drugs I have catagorized as bad or acceptable, and I only use the acceptable ones, never the bad. For vacation I will expect you to go where I want to go, and that would be places I can get the 'acceptable' drugs. I won't tell you I have packed them in your suitcase until we arrive home because I am sensitive to your feelings on this. Afterwards we can laugh about it together and remember what an adventure it was.
Please call me sometime, I will certainly call you, over and over and over and over, and ask you who you are seeing besides me and what you are doing and to demand that you do things for me get things for me or whatever. Hope to hear from you soon!

OH my god this was hilarious. Holy hannah, it was so funny - I'm blinking my eyes as I let the fan dry out the tears from laughing so I can see again.
I'm working on a new angle with STBX - I'm trying to respect him. SO I'm not going to participate in this fun profiling. I wish you woulda posted this back in October. LOL.
Thanks for the laugh, and I'm assuming this was
That was absolutely hilarious! I'm sitting here at work and had to cover my mouth so I don't disturb others with my usually really loud laughter...
BTW, my AXH has a profile up on both yahoo personals and match.com. The only thing he wrote about himself was that "he's a fun guy" and then went on to describe the kind of woman he wants. Ironically, all of those same desirable qualities were the very ones he had in me when we first met. Wish I could stamp his profile and big forehead with the word "ABUSER." He can be quite charming but hopefully, other women will eventually see right through him -- sooner rather than later.
Thanks again for the laughter....
Heymum