Newbie, this is a long one

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Newbie, this is a long one
9
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 10:49pm

Been lurking here, started typing a couple times and can't seem to find the words, but here alot of them go. I know I'm not an idiot, yet still feel like one for putting up with what I do and still loving the man. I should have left two years ago when he put his hands around my throat in an argument, but instead I felt sorry for him because he was so "hurt" by what he had done. He went to counseling, said he was getting something out of it, then quit. Yeah, we got married in the meantime and now I'm even more torn than I ever should have been in the first place. We have no children together, but I have one 11 year old son from a previous relationship. I used to let him get to me, I used to engage in the argument with him and end up getting so pissed off that he was saying those things about me that weren't true, and now, I just cry. The other day he came home and accused me of being in a bad mood again. I told him I wasn't, said I just had a rough day at work, he says that I always have a rough day and that I am just a miserable person and nobody will ever make me happy. When I defend myself, he tells me that I think I am better than him, then tells me that I am "nothing, absolutely nothing". So, I ponder on it a day or so, confront him by asking him if he meant it when he told me I was nothing, and he says no. Then he gets mad, says I'm just trying to rub it in, that I just want to make him out to be this bad guy who treats me horrible. Says I'm playing the victim again, and I am just soooooo abused. This comes after I have tried to confront him in the past telling him that what he is doing isn't acceptable and he's being abusive. Now he uses that all the time and says, "oh, I suppose I'm being abusive again". Anyhow, it's getting worse. I know it will get even worse. He took a butcher knife out of the block on the counter the other night when we were arguing, asking me if I wanted him to hurt himself as much as I said he was hurting me. Started punching himself, and wouldn't calm down no matter what I said or did. I think he is bipolar, that is likely the only reason I've hung on as long as I have, thinking that if he would just get help things would get better. I'm losing hope. I don't know how I can keep "forgetting" about the things he has done and keep moving on until the next time it happens again. I keep remembering other things that have happened, like the night that I got in the car and was going to leave and he came in the garage and was holding a baseball bat to the windshield. Do I sound like a complete idiot for staying or what? I know how it sounds, I know that it's bad, I don't know how to lose my "heart" and leave. Like everyone else has said, things are not always bad, I just don't know how I can stay on the rollercoaster anymore.

I have made appts. for marriage counseling. The first session was after one of his blowouts and he was a complete jerk. The second session I was bawling and he reached for my hand and was all sensitive and sucked me back into believing things would work. But, the knife incident happened after counseling, and I tried to incorporate the techniques they suggested and he was beyond being rational. Am I wasting my time by setting up more counseling sessions? I want to give an ultimatum of "you choose your anger, or you choose your wife", but I know with his personality that he will just walk away. I guess I shouldn't get upset about that. Nobody is going to believe me, everyone sees the calm and sweet side, nobody sees his other side but me. I feel like a failure for not being able to make a marriage work. I just feel so sorry for him, still love him yet don't know how to forgive and forget as he wants me too....... Man, I used to be such a strong person, what happened to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 7:33am

Welcome, Didi. I understand wanting to be kind to him if you believe he has a mental disorder, but sometimes mental illness coincides with abuse, but abuse is a decision. Many people with a variety of disorders do not abuse their SO's. Abuse is a learned skill.

You'll hear a chorus over marriage counseling. Abusers always find a way to use it to their advantage. Marriage counseling is based on the assumption of a normal relationship that needs adjustment. An abuser will not stand for a normal realtionship. He or she wants control. Anger is not the root of abuse. The desire to control another is the root. Anger management won't work, because abusers manage their anger just the way they want to. They use it as a tool to control.

The one thing that has happened to your strength is HIM. It's still there, otherwise you would not be surviving. Abusers keep our strength and creativity focused on coping. They occupy our intelligence so we can't think, our love so we can't care for ourselves. Standing on the outside of your situation, I can see plenty of strength - don't doubt yourself in that.

The incident with the butcher knife is scary. Most people do not pick up deadly weapons during an argument. There's no justification. Once a person does something like that, you can't really know what they're capable of. There's an article in "Off-Topic Conversations" titled "Is Your Abuser Lethal?" Check it out.

I hope you'll stick around - you've found a place where people understand and encourage. Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 8:12am

You're not an idiot for sticking around. We've all been there. But things are escalating, and it's time to get out. Don't feel sorry for the guy. Chances are he's not feeling a damn thing for you except the need to control you.

Marriage counseling & couples counseling don't not work on abusive behavior. Please check out this book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Less than 1% of abusers change.

It sounds like you described my ex. Some of the phrases that yours used, mine did, too. My ex also once grabbed my throat. Unfortunately, it was during sex, and it was "fun" for him. My ex turned out to be a sociopath.

Don't worry about what other people think. They don't have to live with him. You do. What's more important than anything else is your safety.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 9:10am
With abusers they live by the motto the best defense is a good offense. They don't see relationships as being about two people working together. They believe some one has to be in control or on top. And they believe it should be them. And they believe the way to do that is attack the other person physically,verbally emotionally,whatever way -having the good offense. That is also why couple's counseling never works, because couple's counselors assume both people want to work together. But abuser's only want to be in control. Nothing good and lasting will ever come out of couple's counseling. If you can't leave because he is your heart, give it time, when the incidents keep happening and happening you won't be able to tolerate any more and then you will leave. Don't worry about making a decision, you'll make one automatically when it's unbearable. Also, when you are choked your throat can swell up in response to the choking several hours after the initial choking, and you will be completely unable to breathe. It is very dangerous and you can die, so watch out for that if he chokes you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 9:12am

I agree w/the other two laides here and I firmly believe that he has you in a very dangerous & possible life threatening situation that is NOT healthy for you.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 10:26am
howdidi...there are just a couple of things I want to add to the other posts. First, the fact that no one else sees the nasty side of him but you tells you that he is in total control of what he is doing. If it were bipolar driving his behavior, he wouldn't be able to control his behavior in front of others and everybody would see how he is. Believe me, I know. My brother is bipolar. If your husband were bipolar then he wouldn't be able to be so calm and sweet towards everyone else. Your husband is just a run-of-the-mill abuser con man who hides his abuse of his partner from the outside world. Just like 99% of the rest of the abusers. There's nothing special about him. I don't doubt that you have everything it takes to make a marriage work, what you lack is a partner who is capable of it. He's not capable of it because he has an abusive personality and that has nothing to do with you. Also, you can't forgive until the injury is over and as you know, his injury of you is not over. Nor will it ever be because he is an abuser and that's what abusers do, they injure you. He is a foolish idiot for trying to make someone forgive and forget such atrocious, horrible behavior. It ain't gonna happen. You deserve better. You are not the problem in your relationship. HE IS. The only way to live an abuse free life is to say no to abusers. My best to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 2:31pm

Thank you to all who posted. I'm sure like most of you did, I still have a hard time believing that he is intentionally trying to hurt me. I guess that is likely just because I grew up being raised that you don't do that. He did not, grew up in a physically and sexually abusive home, which also has earned my sympathy for him. I don't think he knows "how" to love someone, just knows how to "have" them.

I spoke with the place we are going to be doing therapy at today and discussed my concerns and explained what kind of situation this is. Told them that I feel it is domestic abuse and don't want to get into a situation where he does not have to take responsibility for himself. I also said that I am looking for a safe place to tell him that if he can't "change" that I need to leave and that decision is up to him. I know the decision is up to me, but, I feel that I need to put the ball in his court instead of trying to fix this all on my own. I know that the likelihood of him changing is nill, but, somehow I still feel I have to do this.

I greatly appreciate all the support and will be checking back in as often as I can.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 9:13pm

he put his hands around my throat in an argument

He went to counseling then quit

He took a butcher knife out the other night when we were arguing

wouldn't calm down no matter what I said or did

he came in the garage and was holding a baseball bat to the windshield

the knife incident happened after counseling

I have one 11 year old son

**************************************

Howdidi, God gave you a backbone, not a wishbone. Please leave this monster.

I wish you and your son the best.

Elyse

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 8:37am

Please take a look one more time at what you wrote:

"tells me that I am 'nothing, absolutely nothing.'

He took a butcher knife out of the block on the counter the other night when we were arguing, asking me if I wanted him to hurt himself as much as I said he was hurting me. Started punching himself, and wouldn't calm down no matter what I said or did.

I got in the car and was going to leave and he came in the garage and was holding a baseball bat to the windshield."

Please believe us when we tell you that this guy is dangerous, and that he knows exactly what he's doing. He does not respect you. He has told you this when he said that you were "nothing, absolutely nothing." If he thinks you are "nothing," then there is nothing to stop him from continually abusing you or worse.

When men like this start making threats of suicide, they're not only a danger to themselves, they're also a danger to their partners. You are in danger.

You've done everything you can to get through to this guy, and he's not changing. At this point, I'd start making a plan to leave him, and for goodness sake don't let him know what you're doing. You've already seen how he reacts when he feels desperate. Please don't wait for him to actually cause you physical injury because it might end up a lot worse than you could have ever imagined.

We women are only human beings. We shouldn't be expected to be utterly selfless, long-suffering martyrs who live to please & obey men. We shouldn't have to be "perfect" in order to be treated with respect. How much crap are we supposed to endure before we say "Enough!" I say you've endured enough already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 12:29pm

I think also that the police need to get involved so that she can sign off on paperwork for him to be admitted to the nearest mental health facility. I did call the police when STBX wanted to harm himself and was suicidal, and after answering some of the policeman's questions, they decided to take him in. Although STBX managed to get released within 3 hours, I still wanted him somewhere where someone could help him - and if he didn't actually need help and was doing it all to control me, that the mental health facility staff would probably be able to figure that out. And then it was not even 2 months later where he attempted suicide and had some kind of an incident happen downtown in *my* town, not his, and he spent a week at the same mental health facility he had "visited" 2 months prior. And then he got help, and I won't give out much detail past that, however my point is that if it were me and I was in my car and my H had a baseball bat aimed at the windshield, I would have a cell phone for such an occasion on my body or in my purse that I would carry with me at all times with the police # programmed in it, along with knowing I could dial 911 from INSIDE the car, and I'd put an end to being controlled like that and I'd want my H to seek professional help as soon as humanly possible.


And when I did end up calling the police that day at the end of last August, I really had to put up a fight b/c he kept taking the phone out of my hands and if I remember correctly threatened me a couple of times. He didn't view it as threatening. But I did and I felt threatened. He didn't want me to call. I didn't want him suicidal, especially around the children. It was so much to handle emotionally.


My sanity is worth more than anyone can pay me. Ya know?


Good luck to the original poster. She is in definite danger and based apon what she wrote I have no doubts that he'd kill her. And that's really scary.


Me