Spent the day crying...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Spent the day crying...
6
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 10:06pm

He came home from his business trip last night and I told him not to even bother unpacking, just get his sh#t and get out. He went. Pretty peacefully, too. He knows what he did was horrible and wrong and unforgiveable, he's not arguing with me. He knows he needs help. He has no idea why he's compelled to treat DS so rough. He's been in counseling for 3 years and has actually already discussed this issue with his T. So what gives????? Why doesn't he get it????

He's been contacting me (phone calls and tms) regularly today. He worked on our new house for awhile. He asked if there was anyway to work this out that wasn't so drastic as him moving out, not living in the new (extremely expensive) house that we just had built. I know he's trying to make me fold and I'm trying to hang tough here.

If it's any consolation, DD11 (who might as well be an adult because she's so mature and level-headed) keeps telling me that I did the right thing, that dad has to learn that he can't treat DS this way. Believe it or not, I'm getting alot of comfort from that right now...

Actually, everyone has told me I'm doing the right thing. thanks so much for listening. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 12:44am

I have to tell you - what your dd said reminds me of something my mom told me.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:11am

Dear Harmony, thanks so much for responding. I don't know whether the board is slow because people are on vacation or whatever, but I'm just desperate for support. It meant alot that you took the time to throw in your .02.

I spoke to H last night and laid it all out - AGAIN. Told him that he can only have supervised visitation until I've spoken to a counsellor that's been treating him regularly and working on this issue and is satisfied that he finally freakin' "gets it." He claims not to have understood the harm he was placing DS in, and I believe him.

The pattern I see here, though, is a man who doesn't respect his loved-one's dignity. He used to rape me, because it was what he needed and wanted at the time. That, regardless of my dignity and right to get a decent night's sleep and refuse sex if I wanted to. He stopped that, but the anger, or frustration, or whatever it was just "displaced" to DS. He needed to feel like the father of a "normal, healthy" kid so he was overly rough with him. Again, violating DS's dignity and right to be safe because of his own needs.

The trend is disturbing. I'm 42 years old, now the single mother of a physically handicapped child. I don't have the patience to work with him on this. I know it probably goes against everything this board stands for, but when he f*cked with me, that was one thing. F*cking with my kid is another. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT. I know I'm doing the right and admirable thing, I'm just a teench frightened of the future. For now, I'm trusting that my higher power will provide whatever and whoever I need to get thru this with some happiness and peace.

Thanks. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:17am
The boards can be slow during the summer time.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:22am
Thanks, Wishful, I know people go on vacation, etc. Don't know if you can relate, but when I have a problem I need to solve it NOW!!!!!! I really appreciate the effort you put in here and your responses. And I know I'll still be here when everyone returns from their vacations, etc. Thanks again. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:27am

lol yes I know what ya mean.

5yrssm 
Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:56pm
You are doing the right thing. It could be a 10 million Dollar House I would not take my ex back. No amount of money can buy peace and contentiment. Hang on dear and the tears are completely normal and will come back from time to time but it will pass. HUGS and Prayers to you dear.>JO