If I talk, anger, If I don't anger..ugh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
If I talk, anger, If I don't anger..ugh!
6
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 7:43am

It seems that no matter what I do, I feel as if I just make myself a target to my H's verbal abuse. When I've been communicative and tried to talk normally, I get abusive comments. He says I spew venom.
When I clam up and stay quiet, I get abusive comments that I have an attitude.
The other day when I couldn't bear it any longer and had to let off steam, he of course started saying he is sick of my venom. That's when I said "that's why I stay quiet, because I can't communicate with you." He said "I can't be quiet enough." What a nice guy!

So when he starts talking nice to me, trying to draw me in, I am as unresponsive as possible and that just sets him off even more saying he can't live this way...etc.

I drive him to the train every morning and I have to listen to him speak this way to me.

The other day our 13 year old was in the car, and once again I was quiet and he started to tell our daughter how "your mother is mean to me and she won't speak to me". I have to sit there and listen to him say this and not say one word in fear that he will go lose it.

When he left the car, I tried to tell my daughter that her dad was not well and that we should just ignore him. She responded that she wished he and I would go to counseling and that we would just get along.

So no matter what I do I always lose.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:18am

There are two books that you should probably read: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. What you described is pretty typical abusive behavior.

I'm worried about your daughter. At 13 she's at a very crucial stage in her development. She's learning about how to be a woman by watching you. If she sees her father constantly abusing her mother, she's going to grow up feeling that that's how men treat women, and that women deserve it and should put up with it. I know. That was my house when I was 13, and it really screwed me up big time.

Please think about removing you & your daughter from that situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:57am

Hi, I forgot to say something in my earlier post. If he starts in on you again, try just telling him to "Stop it!" You don't have to try to change your behavior anymore or walk on eggshells anymore because his behavior is not your fault. If he keeps on with his verbal abuse, then leave the room. Leave the house if you have to. Show him that you've had enough and will not be treated that way anymore.

Abusive behavior isn't a mental illness. It's a learned behavior.

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:50pm
Well I work with alot of teenagers and she knows things are not right and he is a sad little man trying to drag her into it. I know alot of kids who think their parents would be better off if they were not together. My ds was 6 when I left my abusive ex and he still knows mom and dad are not a good pair and glad we split up. In his words," Dad's not so mad all the time and mom's not so sad all the time." My dd was younger and doesn't understand but my ds explains it to her and all is well for awhile. Good luck to you and the only way to deal with an abuser is to leave and not deal with them. Easier said than done I'm aware but your daughter probally has alot of thoughts and feelings about this and my heart goes out to you both. HUGS and Prayers to you dear.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 6:07am

This reminds me of something that happened in the car ..... the car ALWAYS is the worst, isnt it? You cant GET AWAY!


It was about 3 months b4 i had him removed. Our 5 yr old was in teh backseat. I was driving & he was giving me directions to where we were going. As i PASSED a street, he yells "Take a LEFT!" . Well, it was too late. So i started to turn the car around. No big deal, right? NOT.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 7:30pm

Hey Happy,

I understand exactly how you feel. Although I'm happily divorced now, the angry, funky attitude was just one of the many things my AXH used in an effort to control and keep me from being happy.

I eventually realized that he would be angry no matter what I said or did. Even if I said NOTHING, it was the same story.

When I reached the point where I no longer cared, it was EASY to say absolutely NOTHING to him. I'd just look at him with a blank stare if we were in the car, or I'd leave the room and excuse myself to either the bedroom or bathroom without saying one single, solitary word. It used to really get on his nerves because he did it in part to get a rise out of me.

My day of delivery came on 2-28-03. He went off to work (an hour from home) and meanwhile, I spent the entire day packing. Managed to get all of my personal stuff boxed and shipped through the U.S. Postal Service, and 5 postal carriers stayed after business hours (until 9pm) to help process everything.

When I told God I was done and had had enough, He gave me my own "Red Sea" experience. I put my toe in the proverbial water, and the sea (of abuse) parted. Thank God, I was long gone by the time the AXH got home!

Get out of that mess as soon as you can so you and your DH can BE HAPPY AGAIN! ;o)

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 10:37am

This is how my husband does it. He’ll start a sentence with I WANT TO KNOW WHY… and I cringe because I know what’s coming…. Then when I try to give him an answer – he uses it to continue, like I just threw gasoline on his rage which makes it even stronger. If he asks me why I have done something then I try to explain why I did what I did. He fires back with …you are using the word I again turning it around to be about you (Well how else can I explain what I did without using the word I). or he will respond to my answer by saying something like I am never at a loss for ways to defend myself (Well how else can I explain why I did what I did – there is no other way…is there. He asks me why I did something and I am telling him why I did what I did). Or he calls me a liar. Then when I try to say nothing he says: silence… all I get from you is silence… and he keeps on saying that with more and more anger in his voice until I have to respond out of fear, whereupon he goes back to one of the above responses. Then he will attack my facial expression. Or if I try not to have a facial expression he says I have a blank look and he will attack that. Trying to get away fom him just makes him more angry or he will restrain me.

And I have to be very mindful of what I say when he is in his good mood, because often he will store that away to use the next time he needs to batter me.

He also trys to drag my kids into it (with the poor me angle). My daughters totally get what he is doing but my sons (18 and 14) still try to reason with him and, of course, don’t get anywhere, and when I try to talk to them after he is out of earshot they don’t want to hear anything I have to say or they think that I am just as much to blame.

Its all so emotionally draining and exhausting.